He has SA, i told him how i feel, and then...

[TooShyShy]

He said (in a note) he was sorry..and wasn't interested but didn't want to hurt me..now he won't go away and i am confused!!!!! I really thought he'd be staying away or possibly relieved that he let me know and that i would move on. Now he seems so..i don't know, confused, saddened, etc. that i am actually going to move on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even our coworkers (my friends) have commented on the fact that he won't let it..or me go!!!! I have basically froze him out big time!!!!!

I even went out of my way to show him i am moving on but he's still doing all the things that made me think he was interested in the first place; saying hello EVERYDAY (i don't respond anymore..i turn away) its all he could ever manage to say to me really without looking like he would pass out IT WAS ALWAYS A BIG DEAL TO HIM TO SAY IT I COULD TELL but i need to protect my heart now!!!

ALSO...walking past me over and over again STILL, hangs out where ever i am just a few feet away..even if he has no reason to be there, AND HE STARES...WATCHES ME STILL ALOT (from across the room) whenever i am around him STILL!!!

Its getting to the point where i dont know what else to do to show him i am moving on!!!! Friday he walked passed me a few times and i turned my head so he couldn't say hello--i didn't allow him too-i've had to do that all week.


The most difficult part is he looks SO sad now..even more than before.


I haven't seen him smile or laugh since this happened..and he usually always smiling, laughing and talking to EVERYONE at work (accept for me of course) now he hasn't been that way with anyone at all..he'll stop and talk a bit to eople buts not like it was before..he just seems so out of it now...you'd think he'd be glad i don't want him anymore???


He actually looks SHOCKED that i won't give him anymore of myself..my time or attention. I even went out of my way to change my schedule and routine around at work (which he knew by heart) and he still won't stop coming around.

I just don't know what to do I AM BEING VERY OBVIOUS ABOUT MOVING ON AND NOT CARING ANYMORE bcuz he said he wasn't interested don't you think he'd want to stay away..and just drop it since he gave me his answer finally in that note..not even in person????

I am so dreading Monday..i need to get over him and i need him to let me. He broke my heart but i have been showing him that i CAN MOVE ON and that i am not giving him anymore of myself!!!!


But i don't get it though WHY is he doing this to me, i am just doing what he wants..i got the message and i am going forward with my life WITHOUT HIM IN IT and its something i must do.

Anyone have any thoughts ::

 

[SickJoke]

Anyone have any thoughts ::

Yeah I see what you mean, it must be frustrating. Instead of doing things indirectly, why don't you go straight up to him and tell him "I'm not interested, please leave me alone."

 

[aboobooboobooo]

I think he feels that he is undeserving of you. That's how I have felt when some girls show interest in me. It's hard to describe the feelings, especially since I would have loved to have a relationship with those girls.

 

[Off The Wall]

Hm wait. Your post says "he has SA" (meaning the guy your talking about???)

so you both have SA???

and you told him that you liked him?? Then he wrote you a note saying he isn't interested??

sorry im totally lost haha.

 

[Jay Cataldo]

Sometimes your feelings for someone don't really kick in until the other person no longer wants you. It's called a take-away in the sales world.... what you can't have is usually perceived as more valuable. In relationships, knowing you are no longer wanted also bruises the ego which makes you more likely to chase the person.

It doesn't matter that he said he didn't want to be with you... the second you started ignoring him you triggered something inside him and now he wants you back. He may really care about you, but most likely, he just wants you back because his ego is bruised. Don't forget that "freezing someone out big time" hurts more than anything else. Indifference can have powerful effects.

If you want him to leave you alone for good, then call him ten times a day and start having long conversations about your feelings... once he thinks he can have you back AND every interaction with you is boring or annoying, he will start to lose attraction and hopefully begin leaving you alone.

 

[Off The Wall]

^^^ haha spot on! that's exactly what i do its like you act all interested in someone because you don't think you can have them, but once you can.. the game is kinda of over and that mystery of what could be is a reality and you no longer want or need it? i dunno its hard to explain but yes definately as Jay said.. try just being friendly with him again... overbearing.. chatting 24/7...

 

[TooShyShy]

I guess whats getting to me is what did he expect me to do? I wonder if its bcuz i have never given up before..always felt bad not say hello and make ey contact..now i can't even look at him, its much too painful so i just don't look at him or act like i even know he's there..he's invisible to me now.

I think freezing him out is the only thing that i can do to protect myself and my heart.


And yes, he has SA big time, i see he has deep rooted issues which i am sure contribute to the way he acts around me (and only me) i am just shy around men i like but i can have relationships and do have opportunities with other men, i just really cared for him alot and thought he felt the same way..all the love-shy-man-signals were there..lol!!!!

I gave him a Valentines Day card that expressed to him how i felt and that i haven't given up hope..he placed a note in my box saying he's not interested and then i made the decision to walk away for good!!!!!!!!!

I just can't believe that he wouldn't know that i would be hurt and need time ALOT OF TIME so i can move on.

 

[Riiya]

So I'm curious.
1. Did he specifically say he has SA or is this an assumption you're making?
2. How necessary is it to "freeze him out" when he hasn't even done anything wrong? (As far as I can tell, and I've been following this lovely shy guy saga since day one, you simply may have read too much into his actions.)

I think you need to acknowledge the problem and perhaps have "a talk" with him. He can't read your mind and you can't read his. Doubtless the conversation will be awkward and uncomfortable, but when it's done with you'll find that direct communication is wicked awesome. Maybe you and the shy guy can even be friends and live happily ever after.

 

[Off The Wall]

that sucks hey! :s. he probably really does like you and is just he is scared? or perhaps he just feels really bad for saying he isn't interested and doesn't want you to be sad so his in your face to make himself feel better and like your the one being mean not him?

meh i don't know. the only way for you to know is to ask him? which will be hard but if it was me, i'd just ask him or tell him that him being overly friendly all of a sudden isn't helping me get over him! It's so extremely hard to move on if they are in your face 24/7!!! not cool... i'd just talk to him

 

[Anubis]

Sometimes your feelings for someone don't really kick in until the other person no longer wants you. It's called a take-away in the sales world.... what you can't have is usually perceived as more valuable. In relationships, knowing you are no longer wanted also bruises the ego which makes you more likely to chase the person.

It doesn't matter that he said he didn't want to be with you... the second you started ignoring him you triggered something inside him and now he wants you back. He may really care about you, but most likely, he just wants you back because his ego is bruised. Don't forget that "freezing someone out big time" hurts more than anything else. Indifference can have powerful effects.

If you want him to leave you alone for good, then call him ten times a day and start having long conversations about your feelings... once he thinks he can have you back AND every interaction with you is boring or annoying, he will start to lose attraction and hopefully begin leaving you alone.

Heh, that sounds like an idea for an episode of a TV sitcom. It could work, but it could also backfire and lead to a wacky and zany conclusion. It'd be perfect for TV ratings though.

 

[TooShyShy]

If i read it all wrong (which i guess i had) then why am i the only girl in the building he would get too nervous to talk to, turn red in the face, get all antsy and is unable to stay still around, stare at all the time, follow around, etc. i see him with the other women in the building and he is fine..at ease, able to talk, laugh..be very funny, etc.

And why care if i say hello and make eye contact or not, etc. he should be glad i'm moving on...i see no reason to change it, its better for me to act like he's invisible, he can't have his cake and eat it to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Off The Wall]

hm at least if you ask him to his face it'll put your mind at ease? even 5yrs down the track it would still annoy the hell outta me. Id be like did he like me? or did he not? omg why didn't i just find out...

probably felt easier for him to tell you he didn't like you. his probably hurting to because he doesnt have you and your hurting because you don't have him!! biggest problem in relationships is lack of communication!! misunderstandings and what not you just have to talk them out! invite him out for a drink so you can have a proper chat?? if he says no then just be nice about it but tell him you don't want him to keep saying hi to you all the time... its not like your friends if he wont even go out for a drink with you! (not a date obviously just two people drinking? eating... coffeeing whatever your into)

 

[TooShyShy]

And thats another thing we are NOT friends, he could never be friends with me..he's way too nervous around me so thats whats so baffling..his behavior then, before i got the note and now! Why be so upset, he walks around like he lost his puppy..he didn't lose anything, i'm the one who was rejected..if he never liked me and we were never friends...be respectful and let me have my space.

IF its love-shyness or SA or just low self esteem (he's the head janitor) and some at work have mentioned that to me that he is very down on himself and moody at times AND he is suffering by all this too then i really don't know what a talk with me will do???? He could very well pass out..or shut down for good which is why i made the choice to just move on. In my heart i know he treated me differently for a reason.

I just don't get why THE NEED to still have so much contact with me when he has friends in the building!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Riiya]

If i read it all wrong (which i guess i had) then why am i the only girl in the building he would get too nervous to talk to, turn red in the face, get all antsy and is unable to stay still around, stare at all the time, follow around, etc. i see him with the other women in the building and he is fine..at ease, able to talk, laugh..be very funny, etc.

I don't want to pretend to know the answer, but the mind often sees what it wants to see. Also, people get nervous for various reasons and not always because they are interested in you romantically.

And why care if i say hello and make eye contact or not, etc. he should be glad i'm moving on...i see no reason to change it, its better for me to act like he's invisible, he can't have his cake and eat it to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He probably just feels bad. Honestly, if I turned someone down and I had no particular hatred against him, I'd want to be nice to him. This isn't one of those black-and-white things, you know. You don't either love someone or hate him to death.

And thats another thing we are NOT friends, he could never be friends with me..he's way too nervous around me so thats whats so baffling..his behavior then, before i got the note and now! Why be so upset, he walks around like he lost his puppy..he didn't lose anything, i'm the one who was rejected..if he never liked me and we were never friends...be respectful and let me have my space.

Again, you're simply reading too much into things. People do baffling things for various reasons - some of which may not have occurred to you. Feel free to make assumptions, but you need to realize they aren't always going to be true.

With all due respect, I think it's unfair to treat him as the bad guy. When I was reading all your posts, what I got was that you kept interpreting everything he did as evidence that he had feelings for you. I think unless he actually left you flowers or romantic notes, you have no right to blame him for sending you "mixed signals" that he didn't even know exist.

It seems to you that you're mostly embarrassed of being wrong about him crushing on you. My advice to you, if you don't want to discuss the situation further with him, would be to get over it. Everyone does something stupid sometimes. Laugh it off, hold no grudge, and remember that you can't have too many friends if you're a member of a forum called Social Phobia World.

 

[Interzone]

Maybe he gave you the note to avoid you because he feels shy/nervous around you, it doesn't mean he doesn't like or love you, he's just afraid to be around you. Or something like that anyways.

 

[TooShyShy]

Thank you Sick Joke, abooboobooo, Jay, Off The Wall and Interzone i don't know why i'm the only one he is this way around (i know i'm not ugly..lol..actually been told the opposite many times..) and alot of people at work are baffled as well, but then again the ones who know him all say he doesn't date..even when they have tried to set him up in the past the answer had ALWAYS been no, without even finding out about the girl..not even seeing a picture or anything, he would just get aggrivated by the offer, so who knows??? It just seems his love shyness has crippled him :-(

Anyway, my choice won't change..it can't for now. I am trying to move on the only way i know how, avoiding him and just taking things one day at a time. Like i have stated, we were never friends to begin with, he could never handle that...so why try?

Whatever his reasons are for his anxieties towards me, their his reasons and that's enough for me now (i can ignore the staring--i can try--and his insistance to say hello) i just hope he can someday find someone who will be patient with him and can possibly help him through some of his issues. I do feel bad for him having SO much anxiety and never being able to have a girlfriend and all..maybe he never will? He's a great loooking guy (i think) so i imagine he's had many opportunities, but as we all know its how you feel about yourself deep down inside that matters.

There are people who have worked with him in the building for almost 16 years who know him socially (happy hour, holiday parties, etc.) and they say he has never had a girlfriend nor have they ever seen him with one and i am sure thats part of the problem..almost 40 and can't talk to a girl he's attracted to, but in the end he has choices, as we all do.

I just feel really good about my decision and hope, eventually he moves on as well. Once i have had more time to distance myself from him and heal my heart..i know that will come in time..i can just forget anout all this. I just hope he has no regrets later on down the road, he'll be 40 soon and i know thats going to suck for him HE ABSOLUTELY HATES HIS BIRTHDAY i remember last year how sad and irritable he got and always takes days off when its approaching..he has all but admitted that to a few people its not a good time for him!!!! I know for some thats an issue.


Well, thanks for all the positive responses guys, you have really helped me so much as always