Having the feeling of "I can't win, I can't lose"

[redski]

Hi all,

I am not sure what forum to put this into.

I have for the longest time I know had this feeling that what
ever I do "I cannot win, I cannot lose" and I am just stuck
all the time. No matter what I do this feeling drowns me.

For instance, the only relative example I can think of that might
make other people understand.

Let's say I have arranged to meet with somebody in town.
That is to say, the other person took the initiative called me and arranged we
should meet. I move stuff around in my schedule so that I can make it happen.

I get to the meet spot and wait for 30 min, the person is late.
I usually do not call to check because I often to not have money on my prepaid,
thinking to myself that since it is the other person that is late they should be the one to call.
The person shows up and of course I am a pissed of because that
person is late by 30 min. So I let that person know of my feelings.
The other person starts to get all defensive using the excuse that I should
have called them.

This stuff happens to me often. The "I cannot win, I cannot lose" thing.
I am pretty sure it's tied to my SA and low self worth, possibly depression.
I know I should not let things like this get to me but they do and I get
frustrated and lose enegery. Things like this can really ruin my day.

So I am asking for tips/advice or pointers.

 

[Kat]

Well, try not to beat yourself up for it, sometimes all you can do is the best you can at least you tried. I would think that the person who is late should do the calling but that’s just me, do they know you have SA?

 

[redski]

Well, try not to beat yourself up for it, sometimes all you can do is the best you can at least you tried. I would think that the person who is late should do the calling but that’s just me, do they know you have SA?

No, I do not tell people. That should have nothing to do with it.
I mean in my world the person who took the initiative should follow through.
Then when I question them they get defensive. As if they are more important.
May be my standards or principals are to high in a naive way.
So what I do, when things like his happen more then 3-5 times I stop trying
with that person because I know it will happen again and I know I will just
get frustrated. I read once in a self help book that this is connected to low
self esteem.

 

[Kat]

No, I do not tell people. That should have nothing to do with it.
I mean in my world the person who took the initiative should follow through.
Then when I question them they get defensive. As if they are more important.
May be my standards or principals are to high in a naive way.
So what I do, when things like his happen more then 3-5 times I stop trying
with that person because I know it will happen again and I know I will just
get frustrated. I read once in a self help book that this is connected to low
self esteem.

Well, that’s true. I think it’s a case of showing people how to treat you, if they sense fear or that they can dominate somehow they will try.

 

[Dronee]

No, I do not tell people. That should have nothing to do with it.
I mean in my world the person who took the initiative should follow through.
Then when I question them they get defensive. As if they are more important.
May be my standards or principals are to high in a naive way.
So what I do, when things like his happen more then 3-5 times I stop trying
with that person because I know it will happen again and I know I will just
get frustrated. I read once in a self help book that this is connected to low
self esteem.

Sometimes it's due to the person's poor time management skills. Or that the person is genuinely busy enough not to even call. Or just forget. The person should say sorry though if that happens. And it shouldn't happen all the time.

Hmmm... sorry if I don't understand the context better. Is this a kind of date thing or something? Or going out with casual friends? My group of casual friends are ALWAYS late for ridiculous periods of time (even 2 plus hours)... Due to the reasons I cited earlier. Still great friends with them.

 

[redski]

Well, that’s true. I think it’s a case of showing people how to treat you, if they sense fear or that they can dominate somehow they will try.

See, I think that is so wrong. Exploiting people just because it is an option.

 

[redski]

...
Hmmm... sorry if I don't understand the context better. Is this a kind of date thing or something? Or going out with casual friends? My group of casual friends are ALWAYS late for ridiculous periods of time (even 2 plus hours)... Due to the reasons I cited earlier. Still great friends with them.

No, the example was for casual friends. May be I am a snob? I mean,
I am busy, I probably have a lot more to do then they do. Yet,
I find a way to move stuff around in my schedule and keep my times.
The example was more a principal thing.

 

[Lea]

In my opinion, if you agreed certain time and then they are running late, it's basic politeness that they call and let you know. It happens to me as well sometimes that I can't come on time, but at least I make sure I let them know. I don't understand why they are doing this even regulary, that seems to me irresponsible, not showing respect, as if they were telling you you're a fool and not worth bothering.

 

[Dronee]

No, the example was for casual friends. May be I am a snob? I mean,
I am busy, I probably have a lot more to do then they do. Yet,
I find a way to move stuff around in my schedule and keep my times.
The example was more a principal thing.

Well, like I said, could be time management issues. But they should still be the ones to say sorry. It's unlikely that someone would be going out just to hurt you this way. Possible, just very unlikely.

On the other hand, doing it regularly and NOT calling up... well... that seems to be pushing it.

 

[redski]

In my opinion, if you agreed certain time and then they are running late, it's basic politeness that they call and let you know. It happens to me as well sometimes that I can't come on time, but at least I make sure I let them know. I don't understand why they are doing this even regulary, that seems to me irresponsible, not showing respect, as if they were telling you you're a fool and not worth bothering.

Exactly, but again, may be I am just to sensitive or to old fashioned.
I do not know. I just do not bother with such people anymore.

 

[redski]

Given my initial post. The "I can't win, I can't lose" manifests itself
in the following.

If I have had that kind of experience with "friends" a few times then I stop keeping
in touch with them. So what happens. I lose "friends" and I am alone.
Pretty much all people I know are like this.
Basically it's, "take **** from people and have flaky friends which I cannot
rely on" or "just drop these kinds of people and be completely alone".
See, "I can't win, I can't lose"

 

[Kat]

Having friends can be overrated.

 

[redski]

Having friends can be overrated.

I had a Garfield poster once which said that.

 

[Kat]

I had a Garfield poster once which said that.

Garfield, knows his stuff::

 

[da_illest101]

I usually call the person the second they are late. Am a on time type of person, despise waiting lol. I never stood anyone up and never will, If i'm late or can't come i would inform the other person asap. I already waited 1h30 for a friend, i called over and over again and when I reached her she told me she couldn't come, I was so pissed at her that thrust me she never came late since then ::

 

[redski]

Well I appreciate all the answers but they are very specific to my original
post scenario.
That was just an example of this "I cant' win, I can't lose" feeling
I am trying to describe.