Having A Real Problem Answering This Question

koyaanisqatsi

Well-known member
This may sound frivilous, but this question, or rather my inability to answer it, has troubled me for some time. I ask it as a life-long depressed, SPic. As I've grown older, the question seems more pressing, more urgent, and worst of all more relevant to me.

The question: What makes people continue on? Why do we, and I don't just mean us SPics, keep going about our daily business as best we can? I'm a fairly observant person wrt to people in general. As for me, I keep trying, but just a little, even though I seem to just keep sliding downhill, everything in my life getting worse by the day or so it seems. I don't want to list the things that are now troubling me now--it's far too long. I will make the list and post if asked to do so. I manage to get out of bed at some point during the day, try to get some exercise in ( the only relief I get from extremely serious mental distress ), occasionally look for a job, etc.... Medications provide some relief, but not much. I don't know why I keep trying anymore...haven't known for years.

And I look at people around me ( the observant part ). I see so many people, none of whom smile at me or others. Few people look happy, and most appear to be miserable to varying degrees---truly like a scene from the movie Koyaanisqatsi ( Google ). In the area in which I live, the main outlets are overeating, getting drunk, and getting really drunk. None of these things make people happy...it's a short-term diversion at best. I no longer drink. I quite drinking many years ago because I was well into the "getting really drunk" territory.

So I ask "what keeps _you_ going"? What's the point? I know there are people who have it far worse than I in so many ways, but I simply cannot see a reason for me to keep going anymore. I don't see what I have to gain. It appears that the remainder of my life will be just as difficult and even less happy as in the past.

But what about you people in this group. What keeps _you_ going? I don't think I've ever had an answer to that question for myself, but I could once make some things in my life work and ignore the rest. I can no longer do that. I apologize if I've depressed anyone.

"I want to love but I don't have long,
I want to live but I don't belong,
I close my eyes and I see blood and roses..."

(Blood and Roses--The Smithereens)

k.
 

Chilling__Echo

Well-known member
hey koyaanisqatsi,

i've found myself asking this question over and over again whenever i fall into a depression. at the time, looking back, i was so sure there was nothing to live for. if there's nothing but unhappiness and pain, what keeps everyone trudging forward in this maze that leads to what?... nothing.

i can tell you're deep down... somewhere, but i assure you it won't last forever. i think people (me included) keep going because of change.

nothing stays the same, when i think that my life has gone as far as it's going to go, and it's never going to get better, i meet someone, or find myself somewhere, doing something, and it all changes. you never know where you're going to end up but you can take it to the bank that things won't ever be the same.

for someone happy with where they are, this might be bad news for them. this is why people learn to just roll with the punches. you can't let yourself fall into a rut and not let yourself ever get out. take it one day at a time and keep going b/c you never know what's around the next curve. it could be anything. it's so easy to look at life in a dark light, there's so much suffering. the only thing to do is to try and make the best of it. find some close friends, keep in touch with family, get out there and do something!

are you seeing a professional or taking any medication? you sound really depressed and this topic really seems to be bothering you. until you find the answer for yourself you won't be content. maybe see a counselor? there is hope for you and help out there. keep an open mind
 

Chilling__Echo

Well-known member
also let me add that if you're seeing someone, and they're not causing you to work your way through this, then you should see someone else. i've had GREAT counselors that really made me pinpoint what's bringing me down inside, and i've certainly had others that just seem to make conversation for an hour.
 

Mary

Well-known member
A few years ago, like 10 or so, I attempted suicide because I had gotten to that point of feeling like life just wasn't worth living and it was never going to get better. So I took sleeping pills w/either vodka or tequila, I can't remember which. Afterwards I got scared at what I had done and called poison control to ask exactly what could happen to me. The lady said I would either die or go into convulsions and become paralyzed for the rest of my life, that I wouldn't be able to function anymore but would still be alive. She urged me to give her my address but I hung up. I was terrified but didn't want to go to the hospital and get my stomach pumped.
So I tried making myself throw up but couldn't. With great fear I just prayed and asked for God's help. I asked His forgiveness and then laid down and tried not to fall asleep..afraid I would never wake up again. That is all I remember, and then it was the next day and I was still alive and well!
Not only that, but unknowingly at the time, that was the night I met my future husband, I had been introduced to him like 5 minutes after I took the pills and barely looked at him, because I was so involved in thinking what I had done. I also remember thinking, it doesn't matter anyway I will be gone soon. He had just come into town for a visit w/his family that very day. This all happened outside a church parking lot, and I think, what if I had just gone inside and told people how I felt? They would have helped me, I'm sure. But instead I sat in my friends car and took the pills
and told no one.
Now I think what if I had succeeded and died? The life that I have now wouldn't even exist..I would have never known and married my husband
we've been together 8 yrs now and he is the love of my life. My life is so much better now than it was back then, you just never know what tomorrow may bring you. That is why you get up and keep going...because there is allways hope for things to get better, as long as you are still alive there is allways a chance for change.
May God bless you and help you allways.
 

brownbag

Well-known member
Chilling__Echo said:
i've found myself asking this question over and over again whenever i fall into a depression. at the time, looking back, i was so sure there was nothing to live for. if there's nothing but unhappiness and pain, what keeps everyone trudging forward in this maze that leads to what?... nothing.

i can tell you're deep down... somewhere, but i assure you it won't last forever. i think people (me included) keep going because of change.

nothing stays the same, when i think that my life has gone as far as it's going to go, and it's never going to get better, i meet someone, or find myself somewhere, doing something, and it all changes. you never know where you're going to end up but you can take it to the bank that things won't ever be the same.

for someone happy with where they are, this might be bad news for them. this is why people learn to just roll with the punches. you can't let yourself fall into a rut and not let yourself ever get out. take it one day at a time and keep going b/c you never know what's around the next curve. it could be anything. it's so easy to look at life in a dark light, there's so much suffering. the only thing to do is to try and make the best of it. find some close friends, keep in touch with family, get out there and do something!

are you seeing a professional or taking any medication? you sound really depressed and this topic really seems to be bothering you. until you find the answer for yourself you won't be content. maybe see a counselor? there is hope for you and help out there. keep an open mind

yea, that is so true.. thing will keep on changing and you NEver know - you might meet someone nice, even if u have sa, or something good happens, even what little it may be for us. Yes, it's so hard sometimes to even expect anything good, when some days just don't have anything good for you - but just living to the next day and going out (or staying home) and doing something, there's always something, there's always a change.

and Chilling__Echo, i wanna say thanks for that part where u mentioned "take it one day at a time, u never know what's around the next curve", because it acted as a reminder and encouragement for me to know that good, surprising and the most unexpected nice things Can happen along the way (which have happened for me the past week),and to keep on trying! as I'm working on my sa now, focusing on improving and there were times when working on it just didn't seem to bring me anywhere. :eek:

Mary said:
Now I think what if I had succeeded and died? The life that I have now wouldn't even exist..I would have never known and married my husband
we've been together 8 yrs now and he is the love of my life. My life is so much better now than it was back then, you just never know what tomorrow may bring you. That is why you get up and keep going...because there is allways hope for things to get better, as long as you are still alive there is allways a chance for change.

i myself have contemplated suicide, i guess as much to the point as alot of u guys have,where you are really so down and feel so dreaded of this life. and i must say that what you said Mary, was really something to think about, and rather inspiring to keep on living. yes, you never know what Tomorrow may bring you, and there is always a chance for change as long as you are alive, no matter how difficult a situation may be. :D

regards, and God Bless.
 

forgetit

Active member
Most people do not think about this existential question because they are always distracted with something . . . they always find some ways to forget their misery (shopping, watching TV, drinking, smoking, partying, aimless mating, etc.).

I guess there are only four ways of answering your question:

a) Suicide (not recommended)

b) The ways above mentioned (to forget your misery).

c) Keep living a meaningless life (till death comes).

d) Find some valuable thing (an idea, a quest, a person, etc.) which is significant to you and stick to it.

I have tried already the first three . . . now I’m trying to follow the d) option (which is not as easy as it seems).

Of course, this is only my opinion (as good as any other).
 

triceratops

Well-known member
Good post. For me personally ive always seen life as a challenge there have been so many times ive felt like giving up but I actually look at all the things ive accomplished and ive been a lot more fortunate than a lot of people. Social phobia made me feel like i was a failure and I over the years ive convinced myself than im better than people and that ill be sucessful and it makes me dertermined to prove people wrong that have douted me in the past. It may not be the best attitude to have but it keeps me postive.

What ever happens your life is going to get worse and better as you get older so you may as well make the most of it.

I always compare myself to my sister who has cerebral palsy mentally she is fine but pysically she cant walk and cant use one of her hands properly. Im here worrying about silly things such as getting married and having to stand up in front of all those people when even thou its harsh my sister will prob never even get the chance to marry someone as its a lot harder to meet people in her situation and the chances of her having kids are slim to none she cant do anything for herself nevermind looking after someone. I always think of this and get angry at myself for feeling sorry for myself when she has to go through a lot worse than me. she'l have to depend on people for the rest of her life at least if i can be sucessfull i can do my best to help her out in the future.

There are people out there a lot worse than you so be fortunate for what you have. You just gotta keep moving forward whatever life throws at you.

Sorry if I waffled a bit but this is what keeps me postive.
 

koyaanisqatsi

Well-known member
Thanks for for replies.

I didn't think I'd get much back, esp. after noting that many had viewed but not replied. Lots of lurkers I guess. That's OK. I'm going to try to respond to all replies, if only a little.

scyth: I've felt for years that life *should* be a challenge and somewhat demanded if you were living it right. Unfortunately, I'm finding it to be those things though I'm living my life entirely wrong. I had a good/excellent career while it lasted. Since then, it's all fallen apart. I just can't pick up the pieces. As with you, SPia has made me feel like a failure and I've lost all my confidence. I just feel so worthless. I am very sorry about your sister. IN many ways, she is one of those people who have a far more diffcult life than I. But, I wonder if I could adapt far easier to a physical impairment than my mental disabilities. I just can't find the weapons to fight the battles I need to fight. The problem is that I'm _not_ moving forward. You didn't waffle--you reminded me that though I feel bad, but others have it worse.

forgetit: Well, I make poor sue of my time. Option a) is truly an option for me. My 357 Magnum is loaded but I will not use it. Option b) is simply not possible---I go to bed feeling miserable/depressed and truly scared and the second I awake, I feel those same sensations _immediately_. I'm nearly paralyzed by these feelings. c) is what I'm now doing--it's no acceptable. Option d) is what I'm trying. I'm helping a friend move tomorrow. I'm volunteered to pick up my aunt at a NYC hospital, deliver her home in NYC and then stay with her for 5 or 6 days to make sure she was OK. But, I Googled her today ( she was an actress) and realized that she is 90 yo. I now fear that she will not be leaving the hospital. But, I'm trying to be useful/helpful. You are right--Option d) is no picnic. Thanks. We're in agreement that d) seems the best option. But I don't always choose the best option.

socratic: Koyaanisqatsi is the first of a trilogy of movies by Godfrey Reggio. "Life out of balance" is only one meaning. " A way of life that calls for another way of life" is another. I chose that ID for obvious reasons since I've felt it applies to me with any of its meanings. The word is actually a Hopi Indian word. The Hopi Indians are from the SW U.S. I suppose I can check out some of the materials you recommend, but my attentionn is poor right now, possibly due to the Wellbutrin I now take--it makes me quite jittery. I have the choice to go on or not. Many of the things you mention happen because of natural causes...no sentient being is directing these things. You are right in that I'm failing to enjoy some of the simple things around me. I don't want to become a bitter, hateful old man. This is no one's fault. Thanks for responding.

brownbag: You've pointed out some important issues for me. I'm in a rut that I've largely created for myself. When depressed, it's hard to get out of the rut, hard to do _anything_. I got dressed to, but did not go for my run today. I feel far more relaxed if I had. Yes, things _can_ change. But, I'm seriously concerned that they will change for the worse. I truly am depressed and I think I know why--an unrequited infatuation with a women I'll never see in person, never meet, never talk to, never get to know in any way. I am to her as Quasimodo was to the beautiful Ismerelda, anyway. Damn, I'll never watch women's figure skating again. Time will cure my depression, but I'm largely paralyzed right now. Sorry, I'm getting a bit disoriented here and responding to brownbag and chilling_echo at the same time. I never meet anyone nice ( I actually make an effort to meet some people on my rare outings, but I always feel shut out bu people ), nothing good ever _seems_ to happen to me. I contemplated suicide back in the 1970s.

Mary: You failed at suicide because you did not really want to die. That's good. rarely is failure a good thing, but this is one such case. The simple reality is that none of us really wants to die---we just want the pain to go away! Should I make the choice for myself, I will not fail. The choice is too serious and I don't consider faiure to be an option for me--not in this case. I wonder what it would be like to never have been born or to suddenly die. Just nothingness I guess.

worrydoll: I'm going to have to give your reply a lot of thought. It's profound enough that a complete understanding will take some time.

Chilling_Echo: I'm way, way down right now. No doubt. The reason is given above, although I generally experience a low-grade depression all the time. I take clonazepam for anxiety, but have taken it so long that it seems to not be very effective anymore. I'm prescribed Wellbutrin for depression. It didn't help much years ago and it's not healing much now. The reality is that I take mainly to make my psychiatrist feel better. I go to a free clinic and I appreciate their efforts. The counselors are quite good and helpful The psychiatrists I see are abysmal. The first saw me for maybe 5 minutes, and asked no questions even though my records clearly said I had suicidal ideations. I dumped him right after that session. My second psychiatrist cancelled 3 of the last 4 sessions...this is not helpful. I've dumped her. She generally treated children anyway, and that may be why I didn't seem to relate well to her. I have seen the third psychiatrist once and I'm hopeful. He was very direct with me. I decided that I might be somewhat better off on Wellbutrin than off---not really sure. SSRIs are out as they _all_ sedate me too much and always have. You name the SSRI and I have tried it. MAOIs are good for both the depression and anxiety. I prefer Nardil since I had a hypertensive reaction on Parnate. I wasn't really afraid of dying. But the crisis was over by the time I reached the hospital anyway. But, I now have Coronary Artery Disease and though I have no physical limitation, I'm taking many heart-related medications and there could be some interactions. I should talk to my cardiologist about this.

The question remains unanswered, but I have been given much to think about. Need to print out the replies and think them over. After reading all the replies, I now wonder if the answer is not within me. It could all be right there hiding inside me, if I could only change my mode of thinking.

Thanks to all. I hope I've not violated some rule by responding to everyone ( hope I missed no one ) in a single post.
 

newshyguy

Well-known member
12

i know sometimes i feel the same when i read so many replies, which one u listen to? whos got the best reply? which one is an advice ? which one is guidance? which one is correct ? which one sounds too cliche?

and then after i read 3 intense ones, i dont know if i can take one more.,,

so let me tell u koya, this psychology business is very tricky[/i]
 

Chilling__Echo

Well-known member
Chilling_Echo: I'm way, way down right now. No doubt. The reason is given above, although I generally experience a low-grade depression all the time. I take clonazepam for anxiety, but have taken it so long that it seems to not be very effective anymore. I'm prescribed Wellbutrin for depression. It didn't help much years ago and it's not healing much now. The reality is that I take mainly to make my psychiatrist feel better. I go to a free clinic and I appreciate their efforts. The counselors are quite good and helpful The psychiatrists I see are abysmal. The first saw me for maybe 5 minutes, and asked no questions even though my records clearly said I had suicidal ideations. I dumped him right after that session. My second psychiatrist cancelled 3 of the last 4 sessions...this is not helpful. I've dumped her. She generally treated children anyway, and that may be why I didn't seem to relate well to her. I have seen the third psychiatrist once and I'm hopeful. He was very direct with me. I decided that I might be somewhat better off on Wellbutrin than off---not really sure. SSRIs are out as they _all_ sedate me too much and always have. You name the SSRI and I have tried it. MAOIs are good for both the depression and anxiety. I prefer Nardil since I had a hypertensive reaction on Parnate. I wasn't really afraid of dying. But the crisis was over by the time I reached the hospital anyway. But, I now have Coronary Artery Disease and though I have no physical limitation, I'm taking many heart-related medications and there could be some interactions. I should talk to my cardiologist about this.

i'm sorry you've had such bad luck, and trust me, i've seen my share of psychiatrists and counselors, it took me a while to find the right ones for me. i wish there was something else i could say but it's hard to give hope to someone else. and i've been there, where i was so sure there wasn't anything left, sheer nothingness. and i hate it for you. maybe the answer is within yourself, and i hope you find it. but for all it's worth, keep posting and we're always here to provide you with support, however long it takes to convince you that there is something to live for and there is a reason we all keep going and to help you find yours, we'll be here. good luck :(
 

bluenow

Well-known member
I don't know the answer to your question. When I don't think I can stand another minute, I do it anyway. One day at a time, sometimes one minute at the time. For my family or anybody that would be hurt if I was gone tomorrow. I also focus on task at hand and TRY not to get into thinking negative, heavy thoughts about why, why, why.

You are robbed of hope. I believe you need to find the right combo of meds. You may know there are lots of other kinds of antidepressents besides SSRIs and MAOs. There are many tricyclics and others like Effexor and Buspar and more.
 

Quixote

Well-known member
There is no philosophical reason to be happy and willing to live, just as there is no reason for being unhappy and unwilling to. It's like trying to decide whether a source of light is intense or dim, you can only do once you set a standard average for it, which is a bit hard in this case.

So I think in the case of life pleasure, most people are genetically tuned to adapt to their present condition and feel neither very happy nor unhappy for the majority of their time. Short periods of happiness, when a result is reached, alternate with short periods of unhappiness, when a failure/damage happens, and the craving for happiness and fear of unhappiness work as stimuli to keep us going. The balance is more or less even, normally. Not so for depressed people, always stuck in the "minus" area of the graph.
 

koyaanisqatsi

Well-known member
All replies have ben helpful

Yes. All replies have been helpful. A couple clearly require a lot of thought. If I can find a way to print everything out, I will. Never liked reading at a monitor. And having things in print gives me more time to sort through things.

Today was not a bad day. I spend much of the day helping a High School Classmate move. She's had it tough. Married with two children---divorced or lost husband. Serious illness and hospitalized, during which time her boyfriend of 13 years dropped off her clothes and terminated the relationship. She' out of the hospital, tried to live with her 85 yo father, but it was just too hard--he is too set in his ways and very inflexible. She's now living alone for the first time in her life. Now she is someone who has clearly had it far worse than I...well that would be true if not for my depression. It's hard for her to get around and she has no car. She's moving from a simple apartment to a facility intended for people with physical impairments and she has a smalll, but comfortable place now. It just felt good to help someone for no other reason than I just wanted to help her. I've been unemployed for some time, so every day is the same and I rarely have anything important to do. Today I did and it felt good. I will be helping again on Saturday. Then it is likely that I will go back to life as normal---depressed, SPic. But for much of one day I was able to almost ignore my depression. I say almost because that depression was with me all day in the background. At least it wasn't in the foreground most of the time. But every once in a while, all I could say to myself was that "I still feel so damned bad". Overall, today was mostly a relief from the pain.
 
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