Have you overcame your social anxiety?

[Moses199]

Have you overcame your SA, if so how did you do it?

It hit me this month that i havn't been trying to overcome SA all these years. In the past i tried some things and gave up because i didn't beleive nothing would work. But now i realize that in order for me to overcome this i will have to dedicate my life to it. Now i read books everday on it and i'm planning on trying different types of therapies. When my finnances are well, i will try other treatment if things dont work. Basically now, i dont care if something doesn't work i will keep trying new things, it's not like i have something better to do with my time.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I had typed something and accidentally backed up and all gone. But that's a good example for what I was going to say.

I don't believe you overcome as in are 100% "over" SA. I've accepted that we all live with it. Always be in our lives. Key though is LIVE. We can manage, deal with, control, get the tools to move past and LIVE with it, thus in ways yeah overcome SA. It's like being an addict. It's a challenge, roadblock, issue, something we deal with our whole lives. That doesn't mean we give up and accept defeat. I've realized it's a PROCESS. Nothing works for everyone. There's slip backs. Sometimes seems like lost all progress aka like me losing what I typed by back spacing.

BUT - instead of giving in and shrugging and being angry - I attempt to retype and you know what? I may be still convoluted but less so I actually have better insight in what I am trying to say. Experience---> progress. Try again. Try something else. Not perfect, I wish I could type shorter more concisely but - this is vastly shorter than what I had Progress. Process.

THUS - it's a PROCESS - TIME - PROGRESS. Nothing is easy. No quick solution. Learning is half the battle. DOING is the hard, but CONTINUE DOING is hardest yet. Naturally we're more negative and harsh on ourselves and have a defeatist attitude.

SA is hard because support is vital for anything imo and more likely to not have it with SA. Why forums like these are important.

You have a key the willingness to try. We can't have unrealstic expectations. Stuff won't work. Failure, set back - but cant give in, try again and find have experience and progress little by little. Hardwork. Hardest thing to do. But we can do it. JUST - DO IT! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. As Shiah LeBeouf says.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

First I had to get my depression under control
Then I had to fix my other health problems
Then I had to get some self-esteem back
And only then I was able to get some control over social anxiety

 

[kihira]

First I had to get my depression under control
Then I had to fix my other health problems
Then I had to get some self-esteem back
And only then I was able to get some control over social anxiety

I'm glad you've posted this because it confirms some thoughts I've had lately

 

[Sacrament]

I had typed something and accidentally backed up and all gone. But that's a good example for what I was going to say.

I don't believe you overcome as in are 100% "over" SA. I've accepted that we all live with it. Always be in our lives. Key though is LIVE. We can manage, deal with, control, get the tools to move past and LIVE with it, thus in ways yeah overcome SA. It's like being an addict. It's a challenge, roadblock, issue, something we deal with our whole lives. That doesn't mean we give up and accept defeat. I've realized it's a PROCESS. Nothing works for everyone. There's slip backs. Sometimes seems like lost all progress aka like me losing what I typed by back spacing.

BUT - instead of giving in and shrugging and being angry - I attempt to retype and you know what? I may be still convoluted but less so I actually have better insight in what I am trying to say. Experience---> progress. Try again. Try something else. Not perfect, I wish I could type shorter more concisely but - this is vastly shorter than what I had Progress. Process.

THUS - it's a PROCESS - TIME - PROGRESS. Nothing is easy. No quick solution. Learning is half the battle. DOING is the hard, but CONTINUE DOING is hardest yet. Naturally we're more negative and harsh on ourselves and have a defeatist attitude.

SA is hard because support is vital for anything imo and more likely to not have it with SA. Why forums like these are important.

You have a key the willingness to try. We can't have unrealstic expectations. Stuff won't work. Failure, set back - but cant give in, try again and find have experience and progress little by little. Hardwork. Hardest thing to do. But we can do it. JUST - DO IT! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. As Shiah LeBeouf says.

This is pretty much where it's at. I spent a lot of time thinking "one day this or that will happen and I'll be all better [like losing weight, after removing my braces, etc]". Obviously, none of these applied. You can wait for all the changes you want, but if your mind stays the same, your outlook will remain the same, and things will stay the same as well (because of how you see them).

SA isn't something that vanishes. Well, it might, but only the 'social' part. What I'm saying is, everyone feels anxiety. All animals feel anxiety. It's the fight or flight response to certain triggers. Your attitude will determine everything, because if you give up or back down, nothing changes; but if you keep going, if you work on yourself, if you trust that you are better than your shortcomings, you will manage social anxiety disorder until it becomes the regular anxiety everyone feels in this or that context. If you deal with anxiety by fearing it and trying to battle it when it comes (or when you're sure that it will), then it'll defeat you. If you're able to tell your body and mind that 'anxiety is a natural process, and it's okay for me to feel it', you'll make peace with it, and you will tame it.

 

[ff5fan19]

Have you overcame your SA, if so how did you do it?

It hit me this month that i havn't been trying to overcome SA all these years. In the past i tried some things and gave up because i didn't beleive nothing would work. But now i realize that in order for me to overcome this i will have to dedicate my life to it. Now i read books everday on it and i'm planning on trying different types of therapies. When my finnances are well, i will try other treatment if things dont work. Basically now, i dont care if something doesn't work i will keep trying new things, it's not like i have something better to do with my time.

not yet, I've had social anxiety since I was a child. I do force myself to do things that my anxiety doesn't want me to, like asking a stranger questions and ordering my own food but my social anxiety isn't completely gone. whatever makes me anxious, I do. as long as it's logical then I do it.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

This is pretty much where it's at. I spent a lot of time thinking "one day this or that will happen and I'll be all better [like losing weight, after removing my braces, etc]". Obviously, none of these applied. You can wait for all the changes you want, but if your mind stays the same, your outlook will remain the same, and things will stay the same as well (because of how you see them).

SA isn't something that vanishes. Well, it might, but only the 'social' part. What I'm saying is, everyone feels anxiety. All animals feel anxiety. It's the fight or flight response to certain triggers. Your attitude will determine everything, because if you give up or back down, nothing changes; but if you keep going, if you work on yourself, if you trust that you are better than your shortcomings, you will manage social anxiety disorder until it becomes the regular anxiety everyone feels in this or that context. If you deal with anxiety by fearing it and trying to battle it when it comes (or when you're sure that it will), then it'll defeat you. If you're able to tell your body and mind that 'anxiety is a natural process, and it's okay for me to feel it', you'll make peace with it, and you will tame it.

THIS is important too. We often forget anxiety IS normal. EVERYONE has it. We WANT it or we'd be savages BUT - with SA or worse anxiety - our fear response and minds take the anxiety to another level most ppl won't understand. Even WE don't ourselves There's studies showing our limbic system aka emotional part of brain and with the amygdala that controls fear response is highly active not shutting off compared to normal brain pattern. Whether physiological or psychological or both - it just shows THAT'S the process to MANAGE our extra anxieties that control our lives and make us avoid LIVING.

AND that's what I'm figuring now. I've fought against, gotten angry and sad about my SA and other issues its lead to and in ways made it an excuse to "take it easy". Aka - not live the life I want or wish to.

I moved back home a few years ago. Got stuck. Other reasons family commitments too but - felt like progress I had achieved washed away and I was where I was at 10 years ago. That's what I mean by like an addiction - always with us. BUT - I've accepted things and attitudes different. THUS - slowly - I progress in managing. I have many setbacks, but I don't let that make me forget what I've experienced.

EXAMPLE: I am unemployed atm - but I get out EVERY day - I made it vital thing to do (maybe once a week or every two weeks I'll lazy at home all day). I go to various coffee places/etc. and write. I'm a "writer". I don't always get much accomplished sometimes I sit and stare or feel depressed BUT - I STILL GET OUT. We often don't see the positive sides, I would sulk and feel like I wasted my time. BUT I got out. I tried to do stuff. I wouldn't see it that way until I forced myself to ALWAYS find the POSITIVE SIDE to a situation where the negatives shine - like we're color blind to positive.

I've seen many of the same baristas a lot - I wasn't friendly, not rude, not even nervous to order/interact just idk apathetic? Just never felt "in social mood". But I was aware. So - I made another goal.

SMILE more when ordering and don't use stock replies. Say something more, ask them a question, or comment or anything that isn't, "Hey. Yeah. Large coffee. A little room is fine. Thanks! You too!" <--- gets into comfort no progress zone. AND ... more I've done this more naturally and less conscious I am saying more. I don't have a convo it's still quick but I feel better after.

SMALL steps. YET I still naturally AVOID certain things like when friends have a get together, I look for excuses. So natural for me to get into an avoidant phase - BUT - I write down whenever I do that anywhere. Be amazed how we dont think just avoid and dont remember.

EXAMPLE: OUT at coffee place. Attractive girl at condiment counter. I'd wait till she leaves to go spruce up my coffee. Not even realize consciously. Trying to be aware, I'd REALIZE - CATCH myself - then I can either do what I would naturally do or not. Not looking to talk with her. Simply going there fixing my coffee and not letting my SA influence my actions by waiting till she left was the goal. Just that little thing. SO - I do it. I don't let that stop me now and I do it more naturally now. NO - I don't strike up a conversation, that's another step right but PROGRESS. REALISTIC EXPECTATION cant put MORE on yourself like "well I cant just go there say nothing, have to say something or pointless, so may as well wait till she leaves." WRONG. EXCUSE. I thought that way. STEPS. You're not looking to go to the Major Leagues right away. Most start through double AA, triple A, etc. - have to realize that it's a process work way up.

Gosh I ramble as a writer I guess not a surprise. And I'm at coffee place so caffeine vroom VROOOOOOOMMMMMWMDDKMWKDMW

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Yeah, it's something that stays with you but you can definitely make progress. Make life more bearable and liveable. It is a very long process, but worth the shot. Worth trying. Keep trying.

Sometimes I feel so good, like I have done so well and am so proud of myself for all that I have accomplished. And then just like that I will experience a setback and will feel that all is lost. But I keep going, I keep trying. I continue to push myself to face those fears.

I like Lemur's idea of going out every day. Recently I have had more downtime and have spent it at home doing nothing which is such a vicious cycle. And yes, support, so important. That is why I am back here; because you guys understand.

 

[LKK]

I remember one of the first steps was to stop over-thinking. I remember exactly what I said to myself one morning.

"What is the worst that can happen if I don't think it through?"

I answered myself with

"I'll lose some insight maybe, but more likely than not, I achieve nothing"

And so I decided that any insight gained, even on the off chance that happened, was not worth the anxiety. So I accepted that and from that moment on I worked on immediately discarding thoughts when they came into my mind. Took time to condition myself that way but it worked and I believe was an important contributing factor in reigning the anxiety right back.

 

[Deco]

I think that fighting the people pleaser mentality is the most important thing to begin with. You'll notice people respecting you more. Like interrupting you less during conversations and more interested in your opinions.

Being too nice can actually drive people away. Be polite, keep your sense of humour, don't let negative thoughts take over, but be ready to set limits when meeting people and don't make yourself available all the time, even with close friends or any sort
of relationship.

Imho, the best way to start building confidence.

 

[fate12321]

I thought I did. I was wrong.

 

[PugofCrydee]

I think part of the big trap of SA for a lot of people is believing the old 'oh I'm happy having no friends, no communication with anyone else, no friendships or relationships'.

We are a social species, and while we don't need to be social butterfly's I believe we do prefer SOME contact with other people.I believe it feels safe and secure saying 'oh stuff everybody, I don't need anyone.. I am happier on my own'.
I believe it's more comfortable saying this to yourself, but it's not the right option. I certainly know this is the case for me. I don't need a hundred friends, but would enjoy a close circle of friends, maybe 2-3.

But more importantly, not communicating leads to unhappiness, depression and other mental health issues, which in turn lead to other general health problems.

I am fighting SA because I don't want to look back at my life when I'm on my death bed and see that I had given up on myself, see all the possibilities that may have been, see all the happiness that I could have enjoyed.

So I fight SA every day. With the help of a mental health professional I've made great strides. I still have my bad days but I AM winning, I AM taking back what SA has taken from me over the years. And I AM finding I'm generally happier and my life is becoming more interesting again. I will never be and don't want to be an extrovert or social butterfly. That isn't who I am.

The hardest part for me is knowing that when I'm in those moments when SA strikes, being aware of it and not letting the SA faulty thought process take over and win. I've found that THAT is the hardest part - recognizing ones own thought patterns as faulty - and trying to fix/retrain them.

It's hard, but it can be done.

 

[jess14]

I did face anxiety when I was in school and collage. I had to take a lot to courage and efforts to even share something very small. I use to think a lot... thinking about a very small thing for hours. but later I start working to come out of this anxiety and I succeeded at some point but not completing..I try sitting in a chair or laying down and just relax every muscle for a few minutes or as long as you want. listen to music on your ipod or whatever.take slow deep breathes also, try to think of something good or try to clear your mind of any stressful thoughts.sometimes i even take a drive and listen to music seems to help relax me.


As with any part of the human experience, there are so many things about anxiety that can only be understood by having it. If you love someone with anxiety, it’s important to pay attention. There will be wisdom and knowledge that only they can give you. Be open, and be grateful.

 

[Opaline]

I think part of the big trap of SA for a lot of people is believing the old 'oh I'm happy having no friends, no communication with anyone else, no friendships or relationships'.

We are a social species, and while we don't need to be social butterfly's I believe we do prefer SOME contact with other people.I believe it feels safe and secure saying 'oh stuff everybody, I don't need anyone.. I am happier on my own'.

I believe it's more comfortable saying this to yourself, but it's not the right option. I certainly know this is the case for me. I don't need a hundred friends, but would enjoy a close circle of friends, maybe 2-3.

YES. I've mentioned this point so many times. It's sour grapes - can't make friends or find a partner so you conclude "I don't NEED anyone anyway, people all suck and I'm better on my own." Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Maybe 0.5% of the population could say that and mean it. You can distract yourself from the emptiness but don't think it isn't there.

I actually find that when I go for long periods without socializing with much of anyone it becomes painful but almost manageably so - but as soon as I have a fun time with someone and then it goes back to nothing, it hurts even more, like a tease. I can see how it might be tempting to avoid socializing not just because of anxiety but because of the pain of realizing what you're missing, like having a taste of food when you're starving but not having an entire meal.

All the points made here have been good- about taking small steps at first, about not wasting your potential, getting stuck in an avoidance cycle, etc.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I thought I did. I was wrong.

This is what I'm saying, and sorry you feel that way I KNOW how you feel. But we all stumble and it is like taking a drink and getting right back into the SA thought/feels/habits. But progress was made, experience occurred, have to realize and process.

I think part of the big trap of SA for a lot of people is believing the old 'oh I'm happy having no friends, no communication with anyone else, no friendships or relationships'.

We are a social species, and while we don't need to be social butterfly's I believe we do prefer SOME contact with other people.I believe it feels safe and secure saying 'oh stuff everybody, I don't need anyone.. I am happier on my own'.
I believe it's more comfortable saying this to yourself, but it's not the right option. I certainly know this is the case for me. I don't need a hundred friends, but would enjoy a close circle of friends, maybe 2-3.

But more importantly, not communicating leads to unhappiness, depression and other mental health issues, which in turn lead to other general health problems.

I am fighting SA because I don't want to look back at my life when I'm on my death bed and see that I had given up on myself, see all the possibilities that may have been, see all the happiness that I could have enjoyed.

So I fight SA every day. With the help of a mental health professional I've made great strides. I still have my bad days but I AM winning, I AM taking back what SA has taken from me over the years. And I AM finding I'm generally happier and my life is becoming more interesting again. I will never be and don't want to be an extrovert or social butterfly. That isn't who I am.

The hardest part for me is knowing that when I'm in those moments when SA strikes, being aware of it and not letting the SA faulty thought process take over and win. I've found that THAT is the hardest part - recognizing ones own thought patterns as faulty - and trying to fix/retrain them.

It's hard, but it can be done.

Yep -it's a long process of ups and downs and set backs and you're also fighting a mental attitude, or thought process. It's a tangled web. If most of our brains's fear response area is overactive and doesn't regulate or shut off like a "normal" brain - regardless how that happened - it's years of reinforcing with negative self-talk and low-esteem and fighting against ourselves.

The best thing and I'm still learning is yeah with age - my expectations about SA and my "ideal life without it" becomes - more realistic? I have to realize we all will have anxiety, because it's part of our DNA. But I can learn to manage and control the excess anxieties that become SA and make me avoid living my life.

I've accepted some things I've fought against: I am not an affable engaging person naturally. YES, I can be fun and funny, but I'm more of a sniper. I'm not a Commando in the fray center of attention kick social butt. I line up my thoughts and fire my mouth when I find the right target of topic or situation. HOWEVER - I also HAVE extroverted qualities it's finding the right comfort and mindset to allow those qualities to be displayed.

SO - I've been very aware how much WHITE NOISE we have of negative talk in our heads and doubts and inward thinking in social situations or performance situation. And how I tune to it's feed not even realizing. So often I let nerves make me apathetic almost or have an unrealistic expectation how I should be now with absolute thinking "If I can't say anything about this, I'm a stupid moron how can I blank out?" or "If I don't make them laugh I'm a hopeless and boring." --- absolute expectations.

SO knowing being half the battle you gotta be AWARE of these thoughts, have a journal write down.

3 CCCs. CATCH the thought, CHALLENGE the thought, CHANGE the thought.

Each one is its own exercise, just catching the thoughts is hard because you have to be aware it's part of our "negative self-talk and perceptions". Then countering or challenging is another, and changing is the hardest because you have to at least half BELIEVE the challenge part.

RAMBLE AGAIN YAY YEEHAA!