Has my OCD escalated to the point of insanity?

[yesman]

I could tell that I'm a very special person. For starters, I consider myself to be a monster. Although I have a conscience the size of two universes, I have accepted that, sometime in the future, I will snap and become a sociopath. I will do things truly monstrous, and despicable. I have also accepted that, just before that point in my life, I have to be ready to kill myself. It's nothing serious, it's only death.

I constantly think. There's never a moment of peace. I think about how I have no social life, how evil and abhorrent I am, and how I can't show any of my true emotions, anywhere. I have completely brainwashed myself, so that every time I feel any positive emotion, a voice tells me "you don't deserve this". I constantly live in a sea of fake happiness. Sometimes, I think about how much I enjoy the pain that this never-ending chaos brings into my life. It feels good not to be bored.

Although my parents assure me that my past was bright, I'm completely unsure of it. My memory is hardly reliable enough to memorize what I've had for breakfast, anyway. Sometimes, I obsess about whether or not I really was a murderer, a child molester, or a truly scary child when I was younger. Sometimes, I wonder if I even was a child a couple of years ago. Who says I'm actually not older than I think I am? I could be 60 years old, considering that my memory has gone to dust!

I have now resigned myself to total isolation and torture, creating a makeshift prison out of my home. I never, ever leave my house, except for when I go to school, and when I go out to volunteer. (I am in the IB program, so I need to have 150 hours of volunteer service collected over grades 11 and 12. Busy!)

I get very jealous at how great other peoples' social lives are. But, I'm only doing all this for the good of everyone else. Like I said, I can't tell just how evil I was back then. But in the present, I know everything about my actions.

 

[surewhynot]

You didn't do anything evil. You're just a student with bad social skills who does volunteering. You're making up (subconsciently?) excuses to hate yourself, which I see a lot on these forums. You need to stop emphasizing on how much of a monster you are just for a second, try to think rationally and accept that you are normal. You're not ''very special'' and you don't have a higher level of consciousness. A lot of people have feelings about being special, it's a defense mechanism.

Instead of worrying about your past, about having molested children or what not, try to find a hobby and learn to socialize with people. You'll see, as soon as you get over your isolation, those feelings will fade out. Try to make friends, it's as simple as this, you don't have to kill yourself or anything. I'm not saying that it's easy, it's going to be hard, but that's the only way you are ever going to feel normal.

 

[laure15]

I used to volunteer a lot during high school and somewhat in college, but volunteering did nothing to alleviate my SA. I always felt different from everyone around me, detached and un-emotional. People say volunteering makes you feel good about yourself because you're helping others, but I didn't get this type of feeling.

 

[cjc]

Have you tried getting into some form of exercise? I know it might sound trite but sometimes exercise can calm the mind, give you something else to focus on and helps you zone out. Even if it's just a short break it might be some relief to you.

I know other people have tried hypnosis with little effect but it might be worth a try to see if that also helps clear your mind for a while. It sounds like you are becoming exhausted.