Has anyone ever noticed...

[flake__]

How we base ALL our self-worth on what other people think of us?

In particular we base it on our social skills with them, which we are not very good at anyway!

If someone judges us badly in social situations, we reject ourselves entirely as a complete 'failure' as a person, not just a failure at the particular socal moment.

So basically our self-worth depends entirely on other people.

This does seem a bit stupid.

 

[deleteduser]

I know, we shouldn't even care what these people think of us. But we do, that's the problem

 

[flake__]

I mean, if we are actually rubbish at social skills, why do our minds base our self-worth on them? It's a bit self-destructive. Why not something else like intelligence or heart or something. Something we're better at.

Seems like our minds don't work for us!

 

[recluse]

That's the problem of being shy/social phobic; worrying too much about how others see us. If we (social phobics) could get that thought out of our minds then we wouldn't have the problem we have.

 

[flake__]

Yeh that's exactly rite, but i am trying to understand why we worry so much what other people think.

Maybe it's not that we're afraid of other people rejecting us so much, as i thought in a previous post, but because we're afraid of rejecting ourselves.

Because everytime we perceive we perform badly socially don't we say to ourselves, 'i am a total failure'... 'i don't deserve other people's company' etc etc. Don't we? And that's what hurts. That's what makes us feel so horrible and depressed in social situations.

I failed at this one part of a particular conversation, therefore i am a failure as a person! That does seem a bit crazy.

So I'm with Vancouver's post, and Steve Conway (www.zoism.co.uk/sp), the key to getting out of this is learning to LOVE yourself and accept who you are.

Then you won't care what others think, because their reaction won't determine your entire self-esteem.

Then the fear will subside.

 

[blackcap]

Yeh that's exactly rite, but i am trying to understand why we worry so much what other people think.]/quote]

Personally, I believe it's biological. There's an area in our brains that is over-stimulated and causes us to be extra-sensitive to what other people think. Mind you, I believe all mental illness has a biological basis and that medical/surgical treatment is the only possible cure (depending on the severity of the problem, of course - mild/moderate cases may be treatable with a band aid).

So I'm with Vancouver's post, and Steve Conway (www.zoism.co.uk/sp), the key to getting out of this is learning to LOVE yourself and accept who you are.

Then you won't care what others think, because their reaction won't determine your entire self-esteem.

Then the fear will subside.

While I think this might be true, I think it's extremely difficult to achieve. For me, I know my social skills suck - this is not an irrational belief, I have evidence to back it up. Although I'm naturally anxious anyway, knowing I'm likely to perform badly makes the anxiety even worse.

The only way I see being free of this anxiety is to either a) improve my social skills to an acceptable level, or b) accept my lack of skills and not worry about how others may perceive me.

For me both of these options seem out of reach. I've never been a talkative person, and never will be, so no amount of toastmasters or anything else will improve my conversation skills significantly (and yes, I've tried). My brain just does not work that way.

So that leaves option b. However, performing badly at anything in life, whether it be sports, computer games, etc, makes me feel really bad and I either keep trying until I improve, or I give up. I can't be one of those people who sucks at something but is happy to keep sucking at it. To me it's unacceptable (and yes, I get frustrated at other people who are hopeless at something but continue to do it - it really annoys me).

Maybe the answer is a combinatin of medication and therapy, however from what I can tell the science isn't quite there yet. Maybe in a few years, or decades, we will have medication that works better than what's out there now, and therapy that's more effective. We can only hope.

 

[Waybuloo]

This might sound unrelated but,

Today at work i took a phone call (my office is open plan so everyone can hear). It was my recruitment agent calling for one of my managers, who actually left. I said 'oh she is no longer with us'. After the call the guy on my table goes you made it sound like she died or something and laughed it off. i cringe and laugh at it the same time. I personally think if someone else did that i would think it funny but I think ppl think me incompetent when I am the one doing it.

 

[Victoria]

I personally think if someone else did that i would think it funny but I think ppl think me incompetent when I am the one doing it.

I know how you feel about that. Like no matter how you handle things people seem to react differently than they would to other people. I usually just tell myself i'm being parinoed. No matter how it usually makes me feel, I do my best to respond as confidently as possible to whatever they say to me. There are times though when people say things to me and I try to respond but instead I just freeze and stutter and blush. My mind goes blank I don't know what to say.

As far as what other people think of me, I usually worry and care that people like me, only though when I like them enough to want them to hang around.

Does anyone else feel extremely confident and comfortable around strangers, yet turn into a super uncomfortable mess around anyone you know even a little bit? I can't figure out why my confidence can't hang around for the people who actually seem to enjoy my company..

 

[Victoria]

I personally think if someone else did that i would think it funny but I think ppl think me incompetent when I am the one doing it.

I know how you feel about that. Like no matter how you handle things people seem to react differently than they would to other people. I usually just tell myself i'm being parinoed. No matter how it usually makes me feel, I do my best to respond as confidently as possible to whatever they say to me. There are times though when people say things to me and I try to respond but instead I just freeze and stutter and blush. My mind goes blank I don't know what to say.

As far as what other people think of me, I usually worry and care that people like me, only though when I like them enough to want them to hang around.

Does anyone else feel extremely confident and comfortable around strangers, yet turn into a super uncomfortable mess around anyone you know even a little bit? I can't figure out why my confidence can't hang around for the people who actually seem to enjoy my company..

 

[coriander1992]

Maybe it's having high expectations of ourselves.

Being bad at social interaction (or so we think) brings us down because suddenly we aren't perfect at everything and that bugs us.
We find faults in ourselves because we want to be these amazing perfect human beings, but we can't be so we get depressed and anxious about it.

Like paranoia.

Just a though.

 

[Vancouver]

Hey, I heard my name mentioned. 8)

It's true. Putting all of my faith in myself has given me the strength to take off my mask, and this can apply to everybody here. I find that I don't look so hard to find acceptance anymore, when I'm confident that I already have it inside.

The hardest part is the self honesty though, I have to admit. It's easy to pop that old mask back on, but the more accepting of your own emotions you become, the more comfortable inside your own skin you begin to feel.

I used to actually (don't tell anybody!) put on a face of optimism when inside I really felt like shit, but as soon as you let your emotions go and just accept them, the more inevitable a sense of well being, and well... even optimism arises. It's like some kind of weird paradoxical shit, but it's absolutely true!

 

[flake__]

Hey, I heard my name mentioned. 8)

lol!

I too have changed recently. 18 years of absolutely zilch change, being stuck in a permanent rut and thinking whatever i try you cannot change it...but you can!

I no longer beat myself up. I am starting to accept myself. This takes time. But every day i am getting better at it!

Vancouver and whoever wrote before yeh i think you're right, social phobics are CONTROLLING! We want to be perfect. You totally have to let that go to get over your fear. I have got to the point where i realised losing the fear is more important to me than achieving my life-long goal of being a social success and impressing people. You just gotta let it go. Accept yourself for who you are no matter what you are! And if you happen to a be a natural amazing socialite then great, if not you are like tonnes of other people in the world! But you will be HAPPY. You will be happy whoever you are. Yes you can be absolutely crap at social situations but you will be happy and enjoy them still, is this not better than what you have now?

And i used to think i didn't know who i was sorta thing, in social situations my mind goes blank and i'm like who am i, i don't know, i can't think of anything to say, have no personality etc!! Now i am letting go of trying, i am finding i am having much more success! I say stuff without thinking, and i am finding out who i am by not caring.

 

[Vancouver]

Lol. You just finished the other half of my conundrum thread. We're the masters of... SA or something like that.

 

[flake__]

wohoo!!

and i came on here a few weeks ago thinking my life was over at 18 lol

 

[Vancouver]

Haha. Same exact thing i thought.

 

[sidbarrett]

Of course, there are people out there who love to tear people down. I work with one such bloke who loves to see you fail...it makes his day.

 

[Closet_Rock_Star]

Hey I know this thread is a couple of weeks old but I thought I would chime in with my two cents. Personally I don't base all my self worth on what people think of me. Maybe I am different from the typical SA sufferer, maybe not, you be the judge as I do not know anyone else with this disorder so I have nobody to compare to.

Nearly all of my friends and acquaintances, (there are many and despite my SA I am fairly well known in my city), are extroverts who don't have a clue about my SA. I have fairly decent social skills (at least in the most obvious areas) and am considered charming and even charismatic. And that is true..to an extent...but not always. Sometimes I feel very relaxed and confident in a situation, where other times I will feel extremely anxious. I have no idea why this wild fluctuation occurs, though I know I am not bipolar. And there are some situations that I NEVER feel comfortable in, and so I am very good at avoiding those and also in avoiding detection that I AM avoiding them.

Despite my world being hell for over 20 years and a complete waste of time if you consider the unfulfilled potential I was born with and the extremely low position I have sank to in society, I think my self worth could be a lot worse if it was merely generated by others' opinions of me. Then again, my actual rank in society is not reflected in how well respected I am by my peers, many of whom are rebels and outcasts like artists and musicians and the like, so who knows.

It is true that I also have high expectations of myself and for any situation that I encounter, and that is one of the things I am working on overcoming with the aid of a CBT Psychologist. But I still find it extremely frustrating that I can attract people to me like a magnet sometimes, and yet other times I want to melt away in the corner. I appreciate any comments.