Happiness doesn't feel like an option

[Lamb]

Having a weird thought. I get spurts of happiness every now and than. I've always been able to maintain some sort of cheerful persona. It felt fake, even if it was truly how I was feeling at the time. Maybe it's because others always told me I was "nice" or "sweet". I never really liked being labeled as such. It bothered me alot. "You're so cheerful", bubbly, sweet.. you name it. My intentions would be questioned or others would be bothered by it. Some appreciated it. Either way, I never took it as much of a compliment and I don't think that's how I want to be perceived.

I'm thinking about what I want to do in life, where I want to get, how much I'd like to push myself; striving for perfectionism. Feeling happy in the current doesn't really feel like it's an option. I keep telling myself I'm going to have to be more serious and focused. You know, to the point where you're only focused on this one desire in your life and it damages everything else because you make no time for the rest.

Maybe it's that I feel I don't deserve to be happy in the current, or that it's a waste of time. I don't really know. Aren't we all seeking happiness in our lives?

What I do know if that if i'm not happy i'm serious and focused or numb. I can't be both serious and happy at the same time. I do prefer feeling numb and desensitized because it allows me to get more things done.

Sorry I'm rambling and it probably doesn't even make sense but it's kind of bothering me.

Has anyone ever felt an emotion to be fake? It's almost as if I don't want to feel happy, I just want to be focused and straight faced and gain positive feelings through other means, not just a part of my personality.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I think I make myself happy through my sense of humor. But, in the end, it all seems empty. My life still sucks-so, why be happy?....right?

I'm feeling pretty hopeless at this point. I don't know what else to say.

 

[Lamb]

I think I make myself happy through my sense of humor. But, in the end, it all seems empty. My life still sucks-so, why be happy?....right?

I'm feeling pretty hopeless at this point. I don't know what else to say.

I can do that as well; find delight in the little things. Don't want it anymore though.. it's a temporary fix and a distraction. =/

That reminds me.. I have to visit my therapist tomorrow. I feel like being really nasty to her.. :idontknow:

 

[coyote]

when you get to be as old as i am

would you rather wish you had spent more time being serious and focused

or more time being happy and enjoying your life?

(there's no right answer)

 

[Lamb]

when you get to be as old as i am

would you rather wish you had spent more time being serious and focused

or more time being happy and enjoying your life?

(there's no right answer)

The first option. I think the first choice opens up more doors for me. I can't seem to combine both.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I know what you're saying about the distraction. Why have happiness in our lives when were like this and leading an unsuccessful life. I totally get that!

Although, my silly disposition makes that impossible. lol

 

[Lamb]

I know what you're saying about the distraction. Why have happiness in our lives when were like this and leading an unsuccessful life. I totally get that!

Although, my silly disposition makes that impossible. lol

Yes, you've worded it better than me. Yet it's not exactly enjoyable to just be serious day to day. But I want that demeanor. Is that even possible to change?

There are people who would claim we're lucky to be able to look up sometimes in spite of issues we may be dealing with.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Yes, you've worded it better than me. Yet it's not exactly enjoyable to just be serious day to day. But I want that demeanor. Is that even possible to change?

There are people who would claim we're lucky to be able to look up sometimes in spite of issues we may be dealing with.

I totally get where you're going with this. You want to kick a** and take numbers (including your own). Have a no nonsense type of attitude.

 

[Lamb]

^ Yes, preach! I fully believe I can get there too, it's just that I'm going to have to sacrifice happiness.. or that's the way I see it. More like gaining a very tough shell and destroying this one made of sunshine and lollipops.

 

[coyote]

^ Yes, preach! I fully believe I can get there too, it's just that I'm going to have to sacrifice happiness.. or that's the way I see it. More like gaining a very tough shell and destroying this one made of sunshine and lollipops.

what's the point exactly? :idontknow:

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

So, this is no longer your theme song?

Sunshine lollipops and rainbows - YouTube

 

[Lamb]

what's the point exactly? :idontknow:

I'd like to change my personality as I feel it will result in a better outcome. Don't know if this has ever been accomplished before.

 

[coyote]

I'd like to change my personality as I feel it will result in a better outcome. Don't know if this has ever been accomplished before.

"better outcome?"

this is the part i don't understand

 

[Lamb]

"better outcome?"

this is the part i don't understand

Better outcome meaning in school, a career and friendships. If I don't find temporary happiness so often, am not as positive as I sometimes am, I will be better able to focus on my goals and being the best that I can.

There will be little time for me to be bombarded with emotions, people won't be able to take advantage of me, and I'll be focused on one thing forever striving. It feels like my cheerfulness gets in the way. Sorry if I'm not making sense.

 

[coyote]

Better outcome meaning in school, a career and friendships. If I don't find temporary happiness so often, am not as positive as I sometimes am, I will be better able to focus on my goals and being the best that I can.

There will be little time for me to be bombarded with emotions, people won't be able to take advantage of me, and I'll be focused on one thing forever striving. It feels like my cheerfulness gets in the way. Sorry if I'm not making sense.

i'm just wondering where you suppose it will all take you to in the end?

what is your ultimate goal?

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I remember reading an article in the Wall Street Journal about the negative effects of optimism. The writer went on to say that optimism give people a false sense of hope and keeps us in ruts and prevents us from striving. He wasn't saying that optimism is entirely bad but he was pointing out some of the negative aspects of it.

 

[Lamb]

i'm just wondering where you suppose it will all take you to in the end?

what is your ultimate goal?

To be a world renowned doctor. Feel embarrassed admitting it because it seems like a long stretch. That's why I often feel like my attitude, the way I am isn't going to cut it. I'm going to need to change who I am entirely to make it in this world.

 

[coyote]

To be a world renowned doctor. Feel embarrassed admitting it because it seems like a long stretch. That's why I often feel like my attitude, the way I am isn't going to cut it. I'm going to need to change who I am entirely to make it in this world.

why do you want to be a world renowned doctor if it means you have to be somebody other than who you are? :idontknow:

 

[Lamb]

why do you want to be a world renowned doctor if it means you have to be somebody other than who you are? :idontknow:

I never really liked who I was to begin with. This desire to change was bound to occur at some point. I'm setting my hopes on the notion that this career path will ultimately bring me the most happiness. I know, that's a dangerous and foolish notion. All I'm saying is that I would like to switch some of my traits for others.

 

[coyote]

I never really liked who I was to begin with. This desire to change was bound to occur at some point. I'm setting my hopes on the notion that this career path will ultimately bring me the most happiness. I know, that's a dangerous and foolish notion. All I'm saying is that I would like to switch some of my traits for others.

change is good - we all do it

i take it you have a passion for healing people?