H-OCD, does anyone have knowledge of this?

[TiredandUnhappy]

I'm a 28 year old male who has been deeply depressed for the last 10 years. I have suicidal thoughts daily and I simply cannot find joy in life anymore. I have very low self esteem and more recently I have been investigating to determine the root of my problems (which I kinda always knew). I determined that back in my teens I had a adult in my life who by many was considered gay and I was not aware he was at the time; however he was a macho guy who did not fit the stereotypical gay and I looked up to him. He began to do things that were inappropriate to me (i.e. kissing me on the head, hugging me in weird ways in which he would grind his genitals against me, asking me inappropriate questions at the urinals like 'do you ever look down at the person next to you?', and in one instance i remember his fondling his genitals with his hand and sticking his fingers in my mouth while I was lifting weights). I would feel really uncomfortable in all these situations, but I would just shrug it off and pretend it didn't happen and try to keep my distance from him. During this time frame I began to get teased by peers and they would say that I was his little boy and they would make remarks implying that I was gay cause I associated with him, calling me his 'little *****'. I grew to resent him and suddenly I found myself acting very defensive when I was called a 'gay' or 'fag'; Even though my closer friends may have been joking, I could no longer distinguish if they were joking or not. I eventually cut all ties with my friends, cause I could not handle to talk about anything that questioned my sexual orientation. I have been friendless ever since, afraid to get close to people. I have been in three long term relationships with females since, and I love the girl I am with now and would love to marry her and have children. But I'm afraid my inability to be happy will ultimately destroy our relationship. I need to know if what I am experiencing is H-OCD, I just heard the term for the first time today and when I started reading people's stories, it felt EXACTLY like what I was feeling (it hit the nail right on the head, I honestly thought I was the only person out there that felt this way).

I have always had crushes on girls growing up, although I was really shy and had difficulty asking girls out. My friends started throwing the word 'fag' around and because I was a virgin at 19 I started to wonder if it was true. With this added pressure, I suddenly went on this tear to lose my virginity as quickly as possible. I started to pursue girls who were easy and who I didn't have any interest in at all. My first sexual experience was so embarrassing as I could not even get an erection and just caused me to start thinking that was gayer.I finally did lose my virginity at 19 but it didn't change the insecurities I had. I couldn't handle the words of my friends and I eventually severed all ties with them. Ever since my confidence has been at an all time low, and if I don't fix it I'm not sure what my future holds.

I recall back in my teens doing odd things like if I would walk down the sidewalk, I would tell myself I was gay if I stepped on a crack, or your gay if you walk on a manhole in the street, or when playing basketball I was gay for not making a particular basket. If I stepped on that crack, or stepped on that manhole, or missed that basket, I would feel extremely depressed. This behavior went on for some time in various different forms.

I'm not attracted to men, I find myself however constantly comparing myself to other men to see how I compare. It feels no matter what I do, I will never be macho/manly enough for my standards. And by no means am I a feminine guy at all, I just have zero confidence. I can never give myself credit for anything (all aspects of my life). I love a woman's body and touch, but as much as I know that, I continuously have this voice in my head questioning myself.

I find myself calling myself gay for things like:
-preferring man on woman porn versus woman on woman porn.
-for not being able to get and erection for my girlfriend again shortly after having sex (I know there is a refractory period, but it seems like a real man would be able to do it)
-not wanting to get get changed in front of people at the gym

Over the last 10 years I have picked up a horrific gambling problem, losing upto $17,000 in one night alone, resulting in me having to sell my brand new car to pay the debt. I feel this gambling has some relation to the depression I am experiencing. It feels like I want to lose to experience a more deeper pain to take my mind of the actual pain I feel.

I have great difficulty discussing about the topic of gays. The reason I am writing this is because of an incident from last night. We were at a club last night and my gf went to the bathroom, while she was gone a guy we knew sat in her seat next to me. One of our friends in a joking way says 'what has your taste changed in the last 5 minutes?(laughs)'. And I suddenly get really defensive and nervous and don't know how to respond. The crowd at the table noticeably see that i'm nervous, and instantly I get very depressed. Why do I feel this way? Why can't I just go out and have a good time and not worry about weather someone is gonna call me a 'fag' or imply i'm gay. I just can't take a joke it seems.

I need to get my life back, I hear people committing suicide and I can't not help think that that's ultimately the road I am currently traveling. I need expert advice to sort out these feelings I am having. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[DespairSoul]

Hello maybe here u will find your answers OCD ONLINE HOME PAGE

 

[PunkRotten]

No I think what you feel is common among boys/men. Heterosexual males find it offensive to be called gay/fag in a joking/teasing manner. What I think HOCD is, is when you get intrusive homosexual thoughts that you constantly have conflict with. But to me that's the contrast between the two, in my opinion.


EDIT: And BTW, I suggest seeking professional help and seeking out some support groups. Sounds like you got alot of bottled up problems. It would do you good to talk about it.

 

[PunkRotten]

I find myself calling myself gay for things like:
-preferring man on woman porn versus woman on woman porn.
-for not being able to get and erection for my girlfriend again shortly after having sex (I know there is a refractory period, but it seems like a real man would be able to do it)
-not wanting to get get changed in front of people at the gym

I would also like to add that above is not abnormal at all. Second, if you know yourself and you know you are not gay, it does not matter what others think. As long as you know you are heterosexual that's all that counts and you don't have to fear others are having ideas about you being gay. To be honest, it's not so easy to tell the sexual orientation of a person unless they tell you or they express themselves in a way where it's really obvious. (kinda like a really openly gay guy). Just keep reminding yourself of this whenever you start to worry.

 

[Hastings & Main]

Hi, and sorry to hear about your condition, and how inappropriate actions from some guy years ago has affected you so badly.
I've never heard the term H-OCD before. But I don't think - from reading about the symptoms - that you have the clinical H-OCD. Probably just an exaggerated fear of what most guys (and some women) feel when they're much younger.

I recall being by myself in a mall when I was around 14. I was going up an escalator and two men were in front of me, and I noticed they were holding hands. My eyes went wide and my field of vision was narrowing with a white fuzziness around the edges. I realized I was at the point of fainting .
Anyways, I went and sat down in the food court and thought about it for a while, feeling really embarrassed with myself. "Why did I freak out!?" etc. Keep in mind this was around 1983 when places like where I lived were still way behind in the acceptance area.

Being gay was such a "bad" thing with peers in my teens that a lot of people got defensive about being called names, making harsh jokes to combat anybody's character being maligned by the "homo" tag. Lots of damage comes from all of it.
I had this weird fear of being thought of as gay up until about 8-10 years ago, even with gay friends and total openness of alternate (to hetero) sexuality. It's a strange thing to fear.

It's alright to be gay. Even if you're not gay. These days? Someone makes a joke about me being gay (I'd substitute the expletives but there are too many) I just act it up so they don't know if I'm joking or not. Not too much to make them really defensive and get even more homophobic, but enough to make them think how actually normal it really is. Next time a friend pokes fun at you, brazen it out with a flipped hand and a "Honey, you don't know the half of it!" and see what the reaction is. Laughter and GTFO. They won't think you're gay, but also won't think you're being anti-gay either.
And acting through like that is one way of getting to your own fears and demolishing them. Soon you'll realize that it's no big deal at all to be thought of as gay - it just doesn't matter anymore.
Most men would rather die than admit that once or twice or more, they've slipped in a homosexual fantasy to test the waters.

And "real men" don't exist. They live on screens that we stare at for entertainment.
Most men lose interest in sex soon after the first act because the physical exertion just makes us sleepy. It's normal, and if you have any doubts? Ask women!

And I agree with PunkRotten - you really should think of seeking some professional advice for the extent of some of your fears.

 

[Feathers]

Hey there.

Sorry to hear about your problems too.. Beeing sexually harassed in your teens can have consequences... There are books and websites about this, even listening to radio shows can be helpful.. People who have been harassed can have unrealistic expectations of themselves etc, I heard it on the radio... Thinking one 'ought to have sex all the time' (or something like that) was one of the things mentioned too...

I found this, it's a psychology study, hope it's okay to post it? Psychological Consequences for High School Students of Having Been Sexually Harassed - by Jim Duffy, Stacey Wareham and Margaret Walsh http://www.springerlink.com/content/q1428710n0t72645/ They also mention being upset by jokes or by other people mentioning they might be gay or such.. (page 9/10)

Yup, professional help and support groups would probably be really good, make sure you get good help, with the gambling problem and other things, not just someone to give you meds or such, some people had to look at a few therapists before they found someone good that they clicked with... Some therapists specialize in OCD, there are articles about it online...

EFT (emofree.com) or TAT (tatlife.com) might help too, to work with old bad experiences and feelings, and fears and worries in the now etc.

If friends tease, it's probably best to joke it off, yup...

You are lucky to have a woman you love!! Know that happiness can also be connected to nutrition and lifestyle, so it's good to learn about that too...