given up on life :(

G

giantyx

Well-known member
the only thing stopping me from killing myself is because i am afraid of dying...people have told me to think of my loved ones but i just cant help but feel miserable...no one understands...i just want to let out my frustrations...

i am 26 this year and currently in the final year of university. i live in Singapore.

I am a very shy person.At home and outside in public, i am totally 2 different person. at home i can be 'myself' talking to my family without any fear. but in public i am totally mute and would not talk or interact with anyone as i was very afraid(i don't know how that fear came about).

by the time i got to sec school, things got 'worse' for me. i became more shy and quiet and started to avoid people. i onlt had a friend that would talk to me occassionally, but then i wonder if they are really being true friends. sometimes they would make fun of me. i still remember clearly during games day, when all the students are playing games, i would just sit at my own table, putting my head down and pretending to sleep. my heart told me to join them but i was just too shy and afraid to do so. during sec 3 , i suffered a 'traumatic' experience. i was in the military band and on that day i was urgent and needed to go to the toilet. but i did not dare to ask the band rep for persmission and as a result i urinated in the classroom. i still remembered that the stares from the other student, and after that i ran to the toilet and cried. the next day i overheard some of the students talking about my incident. one of them even mocked me, saying that i had 'lost control'. i felt deeply ashamed and my self esteem hit rock bottom since then.

now i am already 26 but i feel that i have accomplished nothing. i believe i have agoraphobia and i am seeing a counsellor in school and a psycologst ouside at the moment. but it seems to be not helping much. its not like i have not tried, i have seen improvements when i had my first depression, but then the bad feeling comes back to haunt me....

i cant find any motivation to do anything. i am homebound most of the time and isolating myself from the outside world. i feel that my life is meaningless...why not die? when i have absolutely no goals......no friends...nothing to work for in life....

i feel lost, pls help me...
 
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userremoved

Guest
I know that this is probably the hardest thing you've ever had to do in life, but you're seeing a psychologist so you're headed in the right direction. It may not seem like it's doing any good but these are habits and fears that are going to take time to unlearn. I know you may feel like you haven't accomplished anything, but the fact that you're going to school and trying to better yourself is more than a lot of people without SA have done, so take some pride in yourself. I'm not really good at this but just know that there's lot of people here who know how you feel and there's always someone you can talk to. So don't give up.
 
AimeeSP

AimeeSP

Well-known member
Hi, first of all welcome to the forum. :)

Like Jneal said seeing a psychologist is a step in the right direction. It's going to take a long time to change the way you think and challenge your negative thoughts but please stick with it, you will get there in the end. I've had 5 years of cognitive behavioural therapy and i've only recently come to realise how much of a help it's been. I know saying 5 years for me to get better sounds rather daunting, but everyones different and you will get to where you want to be in the end. Maybe read some self help positive books before you sleep? Little things like this has really helped me. I've bought some ornaments with positive messages to hang around my room and all these little positive things everywhere build up and help to lift my mood. :)
 
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Helmaninquiel

Helmaninquiel

Well-known member
Don't worry your whole story is exactly like my life, I hate my cousin and uncle they are ****ing annoying as hell. "you have to be this way... Get a job, I'm going to test you on everything, my cousin not so much because he's been through a lot of **** and according to Austin (my cousin) my uncle bullying the **** out of him. My mom is a good person and I love her probably the reason I'm not dead. I have 1 friend and sometimes I think she is only there for herself, like she did stay and help me through **** but I think the only reason she was doing it was because she had nothing better to do. Right now she is going through **** but I'm trying to be there for her but she hardly talks to me on the phone and every time I want to go down there and hang out with her she doesn't want me to. I don't leave my house either, I look after my grandfather but I'm constantly period that when he passes away I'm going to be ****ed. I hate life so much. Nobody wants to be around people who are messed.::(:
 
G

giantyx

Well-known member
i dun understand...y all that has happened in my life has only served to torture me and make me more miserable...26 years of suffering...people always say that bad things will past and good things will come...its not the case for me...
 
Falkor

Falkor

1
Hey I know exactly how you feel.
I am sitting in the garden and a thought comes up in my mind..
I thought.. ''What am I living for? To be in hurt everyday?''
I also have had many traumatic experiences..
Like meeting a friend and then you end up being quiet.. Saying nothing..
Feeling like I could die.
That happened to me this MOnday.
I cried the whole night and my parents were so dissapointed in me.
I felt like I wanted to walk away from home, Nothing can still give me the safe feeling in this world.. Everything is scary because of Social Anxiety.
I hope you will get better times.. And stay strong..
I know how hard this seems.. But keep it up
 
Dronee

Dronee

1
Hey there... If memory serves, Singapore is one of those countries that practice conscription, no? Are you waiting to be called up or have you gone through? Singapore is also noted for having very good universities. The fact that you're a final year student in one of them means that you're a very capable student and very bright.

Are you in Engineering? Anyway, you mentioned that you're comfortable at home... That's a great thing. Many of us are not comfortable even at home. So at least you have that. I know it's hard to see the good aspects in life when all you've had so far is to endure, endure and endure some more. And one bad thing leads to another and before you know it, it's a downward spiral and your thoughts and depression have a life on their own.

But you can beat it man... You have help and more than that, you can work through this. All you can do is to keep trying and live day by day. Focus on your studies and figure out things once you've passed your final year. Maybe give yourself a couple of months to take a break instead of rushing immediately for work. Just a suggestion...
 
agoraphobickatie

agoraphobickatie

Well-known member
i'm sure it seems like listening to a broken record, everyone telling you not to give up because you can overcome this and live a better life.. but it's so true, you must believe that! believing that one day, someday things will look up, that is the biggest change you can make, you must believe in a better future and have some kind of faith in positive things.. that will help you. negative thoughts only support more and more negative thoughts. it may seem silly, but your mind plays such a huge role in your feelings, you do have the ability to change it, you just have to work on it and believe more positive things.

i'm 21 and don't even have the courage to go back to college, you are SO brave to be able to go, i wish i could be like that! you are accomplishing SO much, much more than most of my friends who don't even have any social phobia issues. try to think positively and know that there are tons of people here that you can talk to at any time :)
 
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