Polly_Princess
Active member
OCD (with OCPD symptoms) is ruining my life more and more! Here is just an example of what important parts of my life is like...
1. I become completely anxious and start to feel EXTREMELY dirty and tarnished if anyone in my presence is doing or talking about something that I consider unclean. This started off with things like smoking, serious binge drinking or drugs, but now it's come to the point where I have a minor panic attack if someone offers me so much as a glass of wine. Alcohol has become a particularly bad one for me. I had just a few sips of wine at a family dinner party (to please my great-uncle who told me to "lighten up and have a few drinks!") and I felt so disgusting it ruined my night.
2. My sexual phobia is so bad I am completely physically unable to have sex.
3. Both my obsessions and my compulsions are getting worse. My obsessions are so bad I'm reduced to about 4-5 hours broken sleep a night (not enough for me!) because my mind just won't shut off. And my compulsions are taking up more and more time in my day (I spent 8 hours tidying and cleaning one small room the other day).
4. I've been doing some job selection tests and interviews for positions that I really really want, but I am completely unable to perform because I am paralysed by anxiety.
5. I know that I SHOULD seek help, but I am completely unable to because I'm scared of tarnishing my medical record and I've got a HUGE fear of medical professionals (based on a string of bad experiences with them!). I'm also very very hung up on the stigma thing (I have a huge obsession about what people think of me). Likewise, I have a major fear of medication, because it makes me feel dirty inside in the same way as being in the same room as smoke, or drinking alcohol. I can't even take one over-the-counter painkiller medication once a month without feeling awful about it.
6. I'm experiencing suicidal ideation over all of it, but I know I won't be able to act on it because I'm too caught up with " I can't kill myself because I would completely ruin my reputation. People will remember me in a bad light." Though I have attempted before (less than two years ago) my attitude towards it has certainly changed.
My mood is ok (I'm not badly depressed or anything, my suicidal ideation is largely about the frustration and fear I'm feeling), but my obsessions and compulsions are getting a LOT worse.
How do I come around without seeking professional help?
1. I become completely anxious and start to feel EXTREMELY dirty and tarnished if anyone in my presence is doing or talking about something that I consider unclean. This started off with things like smoking, serious binge drinking or drugs, but now it's come to the point where I have a minor panic attack if someone offers me so much as a glass of wine. Alcohol has become a particularly bad one for me. I had just a few sips of wine at a family dinner party (to please my great-uncle who told me to "lighten up and have a few drinks!") and I felt so disgusting it ruined my night.
2. My sexual phobia is so bad I am completely physically unable to have sex.
3. Both my obsessions and my compulsions are getting worse. My obsessions are so bad I'm reduced to about 4-5 hours broken sleep a night (not enough for me!) because my mind just won't shut off. And my compulsions are taking up more and more time in my day (I spent 8 hours tidying and cleaning one small room the other day).
4. I've been doing some job selection tests and interviews for positions that I really really want, but I am completely unable to perform because I am paralysed by anxiety.
5. I know that I SHOULD seek help, but I am completely unable to because I'm scared of tarnishing my medical record and I've got a HUGE fear of medical professionals (based on a string of bad experiences with them!). I'm also very very hung up on the stigma thing (I have a huge obsession about what people think of me). Likewise, I have a major fear of medication, because it makes me feel dirty inside in the same way as being in the same room as smoke, or drinking alcohol. I can't even take one over-the-counter painkiller medication once a month without feeling awful about it.
6. I'm experiencing suicidal ideation over all of it, but I know I won't be able to act on it because I'm too caught up with " I can't kill myself because I would completely ruin my reputation. People will remember me in a bad light." Though I have attempted before (less than two years ago) my attitude towards it has certainly changed.
My mood is ok (I'm not badly depressed or anything, my suicidal ideation is largely about the frustration and fear I'm feeling), but my obsessions and compulsions are getting a LOT worse.
How do I come around without seeking professional help?