Getting sicker but too scared to seek help...

Polly_Princess

Active member
OCD (with OCPD symptoms) is ruining my life more and more! Here is just an example of what important parts of my life is like...

1. I become completely anxious and start to feel EXTREMELY dirty and tarnished if anyone in my presence is doing or talking about something that I consider unclean. This started off with things like smoking, serious binge drinking or drugs, but now it's come to the point where I have a minor panic attack if someone offers me so much as a glass of wine. Alcohol has become a particularly bad one for me. I had just a few sips of wine at a family dinner party (to please my great-uncle who told me to "lighten up and have a few drinks!") and I felt so disgusting it ruined my night.

2. My sexual phobia is so bad I am completely physically unable to have sex.

3. Both my obsessions and my compulsions are getting worse. My obsessions are so bad I'm reduced to about 4-5 hours broken sleep a night (not enough for me!) because my mind just won't shut off. And my compulsions are taking up more and more time in my day (I spent 8 hours tidying and cleaning one small room the other day).

4. I've been doing some job selection tests and interviews for positions that I really really want, but I am completely unable to perform because I am paralysed by anxiety.

5. I know that I SHOULD seek help, but I am completely unable to because I'm scared of tarnishing my medical record and I've got a HUGE fear of medical professionals (based on a string of bad experiences with them!). I'm also very very hung up on the stigma thing (I have a huge obsession about what people think of me). Likewise, I have a major fear of medication, because it makes me feel dirty inside in the same way as being in the same room as smoke, or drinking alcohol. I can't even take one over-the-counter painkiller medication once a month without feeling awful about it.

6. I'm experiencing suicidal ideation over all of it, but I know I won't be able to act on it because I'm too caught up with " I can't kill myself because I would completely ruin my reputation. People will remember me in a bad light." Though I have attempted before (less than two years ago) my attitude towards it has certainly changed.

My mood is ok (I'm not badly depressed or anything, my suicidal ideation is largely about the frustration and fear I'm feeling), but my obsessions and compulsions are getting a LOT worse.

How do I come around without seeking professional help?
 

coyote

Well-known member
If it helps - the HIPAA act of 1996 ensures that no matter how "tarnished" your medical record is - it will remain completely confidential - even to the point of not being admissible in many court proceedings.

You can be as screwed up as you need to be, and no one can [legally] hold it against you, if they were able to find out.

Get help.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Polly, have you looked at the books on Amazon?

I posted one in the BDD thread, there are some on OCD and other things too.. I'm considering maybe getting them.. If you've ever ordered anything from amazon you can read a lot of them there too, and take notes, do exercises..

What are you also taking, maybe some of the supplements are making things worse?
Are you eating? And what, how much? Don't mean to be nosey, this can influence feeling bad though..

I had times when I didn't drink any alcohol either. I was really furious if anyone told me to 'just have a drink' (when the reason I was cross was that so many others were too drunk!) You can just tell people you have an allergy to alcohol (a friend used to say she breaks up in hives, I have no idea if this is true though?? :D even after all those years..)

You might also actually have sensitivity to alcohol, and it decreases the amount of 'good vitamins and minerals' so it makes sense to stay away.. Are any people in your family alcoholics, or have been? (In my extended family, there are.) Or mormons? These may make it easier to not drink alcohol. If another uncle or friend only drinks juice it may be more okay if someone else does too.. Plus there are tips how to avoid it (always have glass full, possibly with something that might even look like alco if necessary.. eg apple juice+water, if you're not sensitive to fruit juice, I am..)

Are you in a relationship right now so that having sex is important? If not, just focus on getting better?

I know what you mean about jobs and anxiety, I have had that too.. I'm trying to split it up into what actually causes anxiety, maybe we can have a new thread like 'work anxiety' or such?

Also, what do the jobs have with alcohol or sex? Would you have to talk to people about these things or would it be mentioned casually? Sometimes what we fret about may have no connection with what we are really fretting about. Sometimes just a bunch of things get 'jumbled up'.. Can you maybe just decide to fret on one or two things, not all of them together?

Or do you mean you just have problems with interviews? (I'm usually great at interviews, troubles may come later or before..) Is this the only time these jobs will be posted or are they posted every year at regular intervals? Might take a bit of the pressure off...?

You can do CBT without doing meds, just check the books or talk to the psychologists.. (Psychiatrists give meds, psychologists don't...)

Hope things get better!!
 
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