Getting Disillusioned again

[DazedNConfused]

Well, I was doing pretty good in the last few weeks, without much negative thoughts, but ive began wondering if my anxiety is deserved? Maybe I don't say the right things to people (I always have a knack for comming across as either stupid, arrogant, or both, ppl have told me I state the obvious too much) and this has caused so much rejection that the anxiety started kicking in?

Sometimes I think I have to just own up to the reality that im unattractive (inside and out, and its not just in my head, there is a lot of evidence pointing in this direction), and that my only choices are to be alone out here (or wherever else I decide to move), or move back home into my socially limited bubble (which would mean giving up a decent career, which I probably didnt even earn, maybe the boss just felt sorry for me, would probably also go back to being a pot-head, to deal with the failure).

I had such high hopes for myself when I moved out here, but right now, I just dunno.

I talk on here like I know the solution, but in reality, im lost myself.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

hey dazed i hate to see you this way!!

remember, our problems aren't on the outside, they're in our heads so when the anxiety starts getting to us, it's hard to see past that fog of worry. the light of hope gets dimmer. don't make any rash decisions and if nothing else i say you talk to someone close to you about this. hearing yourself talk or even writing it down will help you sort out your feelings.

think to yourself, is your anxiety a logical worry? does your boss give you any reason to make you believe that he felt sorry for you and that's why you have your job? try and focus on what you DO have and not on what might be flawed.

anxiety is dangerous, don't make any long term decisions when you know you're not at 100%. depression and anxiety are so bad because we can't help the way it's making us think. just hold on to the fact that you're not being yourself and this will pass. are you seeing a therapist?

hope this helped

 

[DazedNConfused]

hey dazed i hate to see you this way!!

remember, our problems aren't on the outside, they're in our heads so when the anxiety starts getting to us, it's hard to see past that fog of worry. the light of hope gets dimmer. don't make any rash decisions and if nothing else i say you talk to someone close to you about this. hearing yourself talk or even writing it down will help you sort out your feelings.

think to yourself, is your anxiety a logical worry? does your boss give you any reason to make you believe that he felt sorry for you and that's why you have your job? try and focus on what you DO have and not on what might be flawed.

anxiety is dangerous, don't make any long term decisions when you know you're not at 100%. depression and anxiety are so bad because we can't help the way it's making us think. just hold on to the fact that you're not being yourself and this will pass. are you seeing a therapist?

hope this helped

Thanks for the kind comments, usually when I'm down, I try to stay away from the board (don't want to add negative vibes), but had to tell someone about my blues! I'll get over it, its just that sometimes I feel so damn worthless (I think we all have our moments). Sometimes, it just seems like theres just no sign of light in this tunnel of lonliness. Everyone at work is into sports and I have nothing in common with them because im not into sports, thought I would meet people at school, but when I try conversing with people, i just come off as a nervous twit. Sometimes I have my good moments where I can be jovial, but I can never follow through enought to get people to want to be with me outside of the school or workplace. So, I try the online thing, put my profile on a dating website, sucker is up for over three months, no responses (and the girls I did email to didn't even give me the courtesy of responding back with a "No Thankyou"). I don't know if my profile is too dull, or my picture is hampering me.... Then when I go into work, this guy next to me always has his cute girlfriend visiting with him and I wonder to myself why that can't happen for me, what is wrong with me? Plus, with winter comming and less daylight outside (midwestern winters are dismal, at best), the depression tends to be greater.

Still, I can mostly keep myself fairly upbeat, but sometimes the facts just come crashing down on me, and I almost can't cope with it. Add on top of that, my family is 300 miles away, so my support is limited to phone calls, online, and the occasional visit back home). I know, I am thankful for the things I do have: a nice apartment, a vibrant city nearby, a lot of electronics to keep me entertained when I can't go out, and a good job to pay for all this.

And yes, I am going to therapy, and it mostly helps; I went out bar hopping by myself last weekend, something I would have NEVER done in the past (would go out during the day but not at night), and had myself a good time, was chatting with people around me) so it aint all negative.

But, we all have some of these problems, thats why we're here, to help each other, it's just that Im all out of help today and now i'm the one who needs support.

 

[Lost_Nomad]

i'm not into sports, and i dont relate to anyone around me either, so i know how you feel. its hard not fitting in.

 

[Vonnie]

Dazed, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down. I'm in therapy, too and though it's been very helpful, I still have my good and bad days. When I have bad days I feel like there's no hope and I'm not getting better like I thought but I'm told it's normal to go through ups and downs when you have SA. You're right about this time of year, less sunlight affects me, too and so what I do is try my best to focus on something that will take my mind off it like watch a movie, my favorite TV shows, listen to music and sing. I don't care if anyone hears me because it makes me feel good and takes my mind off anxiety and depression. I know you're going through a tough time right now. Though at the moment you feel down and frustrated, you'll have those good days again. And it's okay to vent about how you feel and want support from others

 

[Chilling__Echo]

dazed i hate it for you... i know you probably know this already but all those people you see going out with each other, having a good time, they're just as lonely as you are. everyone is lonely inside. i suggest you go bar hopping again! and be brave, if you chat with someone, and YOU are having a good time, chances are they are too and ask them if they want to chat again. and if you can't connect with anyone at work, you can't help that. i've only had one job where i had a friend that i really connected with and i've had 5 jobs.

depression really sucks, i don't have to tell you that either. all i can say is stay busy, even if you're in a coffee shop reading a book - just having those people around you helps - it helps me. you never know what will happen when you're out so the more you expose yourself the better. don't anticipate the depression, put it out of your mind. don't let it control you. are you on any meds?

well anyway, you're a great guy, there's people out there for you, we can wish and hope and pray that people come along, even a partner, but it all happens when whatever forces or gods that are controling this world decide for it to happen. that's what sucks, is when we get into a rut, we can't majically go out and make friends and build support at the drop of a hat. just go with the flow and hang in there. people will come along when you least expect it and just be ready to take the oportunity

 

[Chilling__Echo]

dazed i hate it for you... i know you probably know this already but all those people you see going out with each other, having a good time, they're just as lonely as you are. everyone is lonely inside. i suggest you go bar hopping again! and be brave, if you chat with someone, and YOU are having a good time, chances are they are too and ask them if they want to chat again. and if you can't connect with anyone at work, you can't help that. i've only had one job where i had a friend that i really connected with and i've had 5 jobs.

depression really sucks, i don't have to tell you that either. all i can say is stay busy, even if you're in a coffee shop reading a book - just having those people around you helps - it helps me. you never know what will happen when you're out so the more you expose yourself the better. don't anticipate the depression, put it out of your mind. don't let it control you. are you on any meds?

well anyway, you're a great guy, there's people out there for you, we can wish and hope and pray that people come along, even a partner, but it all happens when whatever forces or gods that are controling this world decide for it to happen. that's what sucks, is when we get into a rut, we can't majically go out and make friends and build support at the drop of a hat. just go with the flow and hang in there. people will come along when you least expect it and just be ready to take the oportunity

 

[DazedNConfused]

Thanks for the kind words again,
Yeah it does feel hopeless when the "downs" hit, but at least they're not as frequent as they were when I was back home, there I felt like there was absolutely no hope at all, but at least out here, I have my own place so I feel like my life is my own now.

And no, i'm not on meds, I see that as an absolute last resort, I was on a small dose of paxil (10mg) a couple of years ago, and it helped somewhat, but after awhile it's effects started dwindling, and I didn't want to up my dose and get dependent on it so I stopped taking it. The wave of depression that followed made me vow never to try that again!

And yes, I do need to go out more, though this weekend, the depression pretty much kept me in! Now today I have a bunch of homework (I work full time and am taking 9 credit hours at the uni), so not much time to go out and play today (would have really liked to go into the city ) What made it worse this weekend, after wondering why no-one answered my ad, I put my photo on that stupid picture rating site and scored a measly 2, which really made me feel like an ugly freak. I thought I would be strong enough to take whatever results came back, but it really hit me hard. I know it sounds like a very vain (and immature) thing to do, but the curiosity on how the general public percieved my looks finally got the best of me! Sometimes when I get myself out in the world, I'll look at a girl that interests me, and get a dirty look back like I was just the ugliest thing she ever saw. Usually I chalk it up to different strokes for different folks (and utter a "Well, fuck you, too" under my breath :lol: ), but that rating seemed to confirm those looks, and that hurt like hell (the phrase "too ugly for love" comes to mind)

Wow, I feel better getting all this crap out and talking about it...