I can't stop sabotaging and punishing myself. I can't stop ruining my life. I can't stop believing it's what I deserve. That it's all I deserve. I can hear people say different, I can tell myself differently, can seem to convince myself otherwise for a short time, but I keep reverting back.
I don't know why either. A broken brain? Childhood trauma I don't remember? These beliefs didn't become ingrained overnight. This punishing didn't become habit instantaneously. So why did I start? Why did I keep doing it? Why did I keep taking it farther? Why can't I stop? Why do I believe I'm such a terrible person why do I hate myself so? Why do I feel like I have something bad I need to be forgiven for?
It's so hard to change. The beliefs are so strong, so ingrained. Habits are...well habits. I don't have to think about any of things to do them, to punish myself, to sabotage my life.
But I have been able to turn everything around and be almost a completely different person for a short amount of time. That has to mean something. That has to be a sign that I can be someone else, that I can change, that there are positive things in me.
I can't let studies or other people's beliefs/opinions discourage me or cause me to believe that it's impossible to become who I want to be. That it's impossible to change myself--impossible to change these negative beliefs and habits into positive ones. I can't let failure stop me from trying again and again and again. If I'm not going to give up and kill myself, then I must keep trying over and over again, until I succeed or die.
I don't know why either. A broken brain? Childhood trauma I don't remember? These beliefs didn't become ingrained overnight. This punishing didn't become habit instantaneously. So why did I start? Why did I keep doing it? Why did I keep taking it farther? Why can't I stop? Why do I believe I'm such a terrible person why do I hate myself so? Why do I feel like I have something bad I need to be forgiven for?
It's so hard to change. The beliefs are so strong, so ingrained. Habits are...well habits. I don't have to think about any of things to do them, to punish myself, to sabotage my life.
But I have been able to turn everything around and be almost a completely different person for a short amount of time. That has to mean something. That has to be a sign that I can be someone else, that I can change, that there are positive things in me.
I can't let studies or other people's beliefs/opinions discourage me or cause me to believe that it's impossible to become who I want to be. That it's impossible to change myself--impossible to change these negative beliefs and habits into positive ones. I can't let failure stop me from trying again and again and again. If I'm not going to give up and kill myself, then I must keep trying over and over again, until I succeed or die.