*gasp!* A poem!

Harleyq

Well-known member
I found a folder of poems I had to write during my poetry class and came across one I liked and I remember my class liked it too, so I'm posting it here:

The One-Man War

Sharp metal to porous flesh:
like key to lock
of no man’s land,
where war discharges
from closed trenches
to open air;
to conquer victoriously
or die from -
honorably?
 

Nack

Banned
Mhm... Yours is better than mine, i had to write one for my creative writing class; it was about waiting for the bus...interesting topic isn't it?
 

Harleyq

Well-known member
Mhm... Yours is better than mine, i had to write one for my creative writing class; it was about waiting for the bus...interesting topic isn't it?

Why not? A lot can occur at a bus stop.

I had to write about 12 or 13 poems and I only like 3 of them. I'm not a very poetic person, overall.
 
Why not? A lot can occur at a bus stop.

I had to write about 12 or 13 poems and I only like 3 of them. I'm not a very poetic person, overall.

I disagree. I think the poem was very good. Vivid images. Even very good writers and poets write relatively poor pieces. And they do that a lot. But due to the sheer quantity they produce, it seems that they have lots of good pieces. Only the very rare few produce outstanding work all the time.

And also, maybe others will like the ones you don't like? There are some poems which I write (in other forums) that I thought were not very good, but others seem to enjoy.

Haha.. on the bus issue... I used to have this long standing joke with my friend. If you want the bus to come quickly, buy a canned drink. And the bus will come according to Murphy's Law. The times I actually bought something from the vending machine, it works. (Where I live, the laws are pretty strict... No drinking in the buses. You have to throw away your canned drinks...)
 

Nack

Banned
I disagree. I think the poem was very good. Vivid images. Even very good writers and poets write relatively poor pieces. And they do that a lot. But due to the sheer quantity they produce, it seems that they have lots of good pieces. Only the very rare few produce outstanding work all the time.

And also, maybe others will like the ones you don't like? There are some poems which I write (in other forums) that I thought were not very good, but others seem to enjoy.

Haha.. on the bus issue... I used to have this long standing joke with my friend. If you want the bus to come quickly, buy a canned drink. And the bus will come according to Murphy's Law. The times I actually bought something from the vending machine, it works. (Where I live, the laws are pretty strict... No drinking in the buses. You have to throw away your canned drinks...)
lol i don't get it....
 

Square_Eyes

Well-known member
I really enjoyed that Harleyq, thanks for posting. I'm terrified of publishing my own poetry on the internet or anywhere for that matter. Anyone else holding back?
 
I really enjoyed that Harleyq, thanks for posting. I'm terrified of publishing my own poetry on the internet or anywhere for that matter. Anyone else holding back?

Why not? Most people won't know much about the author other than his or her pen name? :) They only know what you want them to know...
 

Square_Eyes

Well-known member
Why not? Most people won't know much about the author other than his or her pen name? :) They only know what you want them to know...

It's not so much a matter of people knowing my identity. I guess I'm just terrified of what people think of me and because poetry comes from such a private place I think I'd take any degree of criticism as some sort of personal attack against me. I feel exactly the same way about my music.

::(:
 

Tiercel

Well-known member
You used the words metal, flesh, and war. Nice job!

I guess that one man wasn't too good at negotiating with himself, or he could have averted war. And since I'm such a sucker for anything even remotely related to WWII, I enjoyed this. Feel free to post more.

:D
 
It's not so much a matter of people knowing my identity. I guess I'm just terrified of what people think of me and because poetry comes from such a private place I think I'd take any degree of criticism as some sort of personal attack against me. I feel exactly the same way about my music.

::(:

I see... I understand where you're coming from. People can be insensitive unknowingly. You can always share it here? Because the people here seem to be more supportive and less criticizing.
 

Harleyq

Well-known member
You used the words metal, flesh, and war. Nice job!

I guess that one man wasn't too good at negotiating with himself, or he could have averted war. And since I'm such a sucker for anything even remotely related to WWII, I enjoyed this. Feel free to post more.

:D

The poem is about my days as a cutter/self injurer but I remember at the time, my English class was reading a book of poems written by war soldiers. I guess I was more than a little inspired..
 

thor01

Well-known member
You're very good.
Wish I could do it well.
I don't really try poetry by itself, but I find writing song lyrics very difficult.
 
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Sharp metal to porous flesh:
like key to lock
of no man’s land,
where war discharges
from closed trenches
to open air;
to conquer victoriously
or die from -
honorably?

***

Given the second part, I felt that the war imagery (as in actual war) is stronger. That, or I'm thick. Hmmm... Your poem is very inspiring. Write an actual war poem of sorts, one medievial and one modern.

***
(Modern)

Sharp metal and porous flesh
Charred bodies and a rain of ash
A hail of lead and a frightful dread
It's bloody wet and not one but scared

War discharges from closed trenches
Deaths in numbers and senseless charges
A hail of lead and dominoes toppling
It's bloody wet and fleshes in raining

No man's land and it's open air
No one stands but who to care
War is honour and virtue and dare?
Nay nay, this is but terror's lair

The world's at war
What are we fighting for?
And souls at war
Within which, a fatal flaw

***

(Medieval/Fantasy)

White knight on white charger
Black night in black winter
Undead horrors and demon rider
A mighty horde inching closer

A grinning horde sweeping closer
A shining sword sweeps out in answer
Severed heads and crimson shower
Still lone figure in brilliant armor

Flights of terror swooping near
A brilliant charge on faithful charger
Trampled wings and they promptly cower
And flew and fled and to return never

So blinding figure in blinding armor
Faced a shrouded fear, this demon rider
"Thou art valorous but this is not over"
"Then come ye forth if indeed thou desire"

"This not the time but one day for sure"
"Then till that day, this palaver is over"
Swords saluting and mounts retreating
And out of the marshes a figure emerging

Ichor-stained sword and splattered armor
Detracted not from his shimmering splendor
The townsfolk cheered on seeing the warrior
A small nod and he paused to muster

And whirled and left in a silver blur
For where there's evil he's there in answer
Now and forever... white knight on white charger

http://www.coolstuffinc.com/images/Products/mtg art/Alpha/White Knight.jpg (part of the inspiration)

***
 
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