Friendship...

[X-Rated]

Hi! I`ve been visiting this site for over a year and `ve had an acc for a while but i rarely used it(out of laziness i guess..:-??)....Let's begin with this: I hate my life which is being ruined by this f**king SA thing...I wish i could be like other people who are dumb but can make friendship...Anyway....my situation is kinda like this: i had friends who talked me behind my back (one of them is my classmate), i stopped going out with them( i still talk with them, but rarely, and our relationship is strained) ... I can tell you that after i`ve dumped them i felt much more better because i wasn't bullied , however i spend much of my time at home ( except fridays and weekends when i go out with some of my classmates) .It sucks stayng home alone, knowing no one cares about you , wasting your time with useless things....
At the moment i have one best friend (who is kinda popular and talks to me about his relationships etc , but of course, i can't tell him nothing about mine cause i have no life.....i thing he knows that , but he`s been rather supportive so i owe him that) and several friends. The thing that bothers me is that while i can have small talk with someone and can make them laugh sometimes our relationships i stuck at that point , because i don't know how to take it further...For example i can talk with girls that are my classmates, i can make them laugh but i can't go farther than that. They don't tell me their problems , i don't even have their number(that's only the case for girls). It bugs me that all the classmates are keeping in touch which other , just i can't do that.....i can't even talk to them online because i don't know what to say not necessarily because i'm afraid.
I think that i can't make a relationship to go further because i was bullied in the past and now i have the impression that most the people are superficial and talk each other behind their backs,which is really affecting my social life.
PS. i'm in my junior year and plan to go to a college or uni and want to be able to have real friends
PS1 Sorry if my writing is bad, english is my second language, but if u spot somthing wrong with my writing u can tell me as i plan to take CAE(cambridge advanced) exam in june

 

[Feathers]

Hmm, it seems your SA is not very bad... You can still talk to people and make them laugh.. Some people on this forum are actually much worse off...
So basically you can be friends with guys, would like to be friends with girls too? And to communicate more effecitively with everyone and learn the skills of 'making friends'?

Do you know what your classmates like to do, like their hobbies or interests, etc? Or which college they intend to go to, and such? If you have any same or similar hobbies and interests, it's much easier to talk to them... Or if you're working on a project together...
You can talk about the interests or the project then, or what they or you did or are planning to do etc.. People like to talk about their interests...

I had a friend in high school who was talking about boys and relationships a lot too, and I didn't have much to say... At University, I met new friends, with whom I could talk about different things too... (!)

So just because you don't know what to talk about now, it doesn't mean it will be that way at Uni/college...
(And that high school friend admitted she didn't have any friends in primary school before-?? So maybe she was just learning how to be friends too.. Or was just a bit, uhm, preoccupied with herself, and the boys..)

If you're at home, you could work on interesting things, and improve your knowledge of interesting things (including how to make friends - there are books on this! eg Dale Carnegie: How to win friends and influence people: have you read it?) or stuff helpful for your future career...
You could also check what your classmates are talking about on FB (though some conversations there are really.. hmm.. not very intelligent..) Be careful with RL name and FB though.. I see some teenagers have nicknames online these days, maybe it's safer this way..

Maybe you can get someone's help with maths or some other subject you're not so great at, and get their phone number/msn contact that way? Or if you do a school project together? To meet up after school and work on the presentation/paper/project?
When I was in high school, what really sorta connected us was doing a theatre project together.. We had to meet up in the afternoon to work on stage scenery or costumes or posters and practise etc.
If you're a sportsy person, maybe sports could be your 'network' though..

If girls don't tell you their problems (consider yourself lucky lol), maybe you're not in the 'friend zone' and are still possibly considered 'a catch'? Maybe they are just hoping for you to ask them out? (Or at least one or two?)
Or maybe they see you as a 'younger brother' or someone fun to be with, and maybe there's just no spark - it may be better to date other girls than classmates anyway... Maybe your popular friend, you, and some other guys and girls could go out for a cup of tea or something? (Would probably work if he's not in a relationship at the time? Or maybe his date could bring a friend or a few friends? Could you ask him if he knows any nice girls for you? I was asked that by complete strangers sometimes lol..) Or maybe some of you could get together for a hiking trip to the mountains or such?

Sorry to hear about bullying in the past.. Maybe CBT, or EFT (emofree.com) or TAT (tatlife.com) could be helpful with that?
It may be difficult to realize that not all people are the same.. There may be some good people out there...
In high school, some people are superficial, some can be genuine too... It's just important to get to know them... (Even some 'superficial' people can be 'deep' and good beneath all that, it can be just a 'mask'...) Maybe look for hobbies or interests or clubs where more 'in-depth' people hang out? Like volunteering/charity club, or artsy/crafty/literature club or maybe debate or chess club or eco projects? Not sure what exists where you live.. Or maybe you could start a new club?

Your English is quite good, be a bit careful with initials and how you write words though (I instead of i, you instead of u... etc. This type of 'chat' talk can become a habit.. You don't want it if you're taking CAE...) Good luck!!

 

[just wanna b normal]

Good job brah! i applaud you! crazy im in the same situation! fake friends who act like your friends but talk s*** behind your back! im dumping them now! its over! its hard tho! i jsut dont know. i cant trust anyone anymore! i say f*** em! but i dont have any other friends. i dont care tho. its time to realize who your real friends are! evrey body goes thru this even those with out SA! yeah im a be pretty lonley tho. i keep believing its my fault cuzz of my SA! i dont know anymore or how to make new friends cuzz i cant trust them! iv been going thru this all my life! i call them FAKE friends!!!

 

[Bustn Justin]

That my main thing with peeps. I have a hard time trusting others since I was bullied, talked bad about, and taken advantage of. Thinking of peeps acting like that deters me from dealing with my SA since why be social to *******s.

 

[X-Rated]

Hmm, it seems your SA is not very bad... You can still talk to people and make them laugh.. Some people on this forum are actually much worse off...
So basically you can be friends with guys, would like to be friends with girls too? And to communicate more effecitively with everyone and learn the skills of 'making friends'?

Do you know what your classmates like to do, like their hobbies or interests, etc? Or which college they intend to go to, and such? If you have any same or similar hobbies and interests, it's much easier to talk to them... Or if you're working on a project together...
You can talk about the interests or the project then, or what they or you did or are planning to do etc.. People like to talk about their interests...

I had a friend in high school who was talking about boys and relationships a lot too, and I didn't have much to say... At University, I met new friends, with whom I could talk about different things too... (!)

So just because you don't know what to talk about now, it doesn't mean it will be that way at Uni/college...
(And that high school friend admitted she didn't have any friends in primary school before-?? So maybe she was just learning how to be friends too.. Or was just a bit, uhm, preoccupied with herself, and the boys..)

If you're at home, you could work on interesting things, and improve your knowledge of interesting things (including how to make friends - there are books on this! eg Dale Carnegie: How to win friends and influence people: have you read it?) or stuff helpful for your future career...
You could also check what your classmates are talking about on FB (though some conversations there are really.. hmm.. not very intelligent..) Be careful with RL name and FB though.. I see some teenagers have nicknames online these days, maybe it's safer this way..

Maybe you can get someone's help with maths or some other subject you're not so great at, and get their phone number/msn contact that way? Or if you do a school project together? To meet up after school and work on the presentation/paper/project?
When I was in high school, what really sorta connected us was doing a theatre project together.. We had to meet up in the afternoon to work on stage scenery or costumes or posters and practise etc.
If you're a sportsy person, maybe sports could be your 'network' though..

If girls don't tell you their problems (consider yourself lucky lol), maybe you're not in the 'friend zone' and are still possibly considered 'a catch'? Maybe they are just hoping for you to ask them out? (Or at least one or two?)
Or maybe they see you as a 'younger brother' or someone fun to be with, and maybe there's just no spark - it may be better to date other girls than classmates anyway... Maybe your popular friend, you, and some other guys and girls could go out for a cup of tea or something? (Would probably work if he's not in a relationship at the time? Or maybe his date could bring a friend or a few friends? Could you ask him if he knows any nice girls for you? I was asked that by complete strangers sometimes lol..) Or maybe some of you could get together for a hiking trip to the mountains or such?

Sorry to hear about bullying in the past.. Maybe CBT, or EFT (emofree.com) or TAT (tatlife.com) could be helpful with that?
It may be difficult to realize that not all people are the same.. There may be some good people out there...
In high school, some people are superficial, some can be genuine too... It's just important to get to know them... (Even some 'superficial' people can be 'deep' and good beneath all that, it can be just a 'mask'...) Maybe look for hobbies or interests or clubs where more 'in-depth' people hang out? Like volunteering/charity club, or artsy/crafty/literature club or maybe debate or chess club or eco projects? Not sure what exists where you live.. Or maybe you could start a new club?

Your English is quite good, be a bit careful with initials and how you write words though (I instead of i, you instead of u... etc. This type of 'chat' talk can become a habit.. You don't want it if you're taking CAE...) Good luck!!

I wish my situation would be like the one you`ve just described. Unfortunately, it's worse.
Yes, i can be friend with guys , but still i have just one kinda true friend, the rest are good friends i have fun with them, go out with them , but i'm stuck at that point, can't move further.
As for the girls, I am comfortable talking to the girls from my class, because i feel comfortable around them because i'm used to seeing them. I can small talk with them , i can do school project with them( it's not that hard just you need to talk about that specific topic) but besides that NOTHING. I don't have their numbers because i didn't know when the most suitable moment to ask for their number was, so besides school I don't maintain contact with them. Of course i could ask their number know but i feel more confused about this because after 2 years to ask their number it seems kinda weird . WTF?! Of course i could talk with them online , but my main issue with online chatting is that i don't know what to say (it's the same with guys , but not that worse) , and don't know how to approach them.
But besides girls from my class, I haven't approached or been aproached by other girls. I don't feel comfortable around them because I have a negative body image and think that i`m ugly( and most of the people judge a person by his/hers appearance) and i lack confidence. Thus i `ve nerver had a gf or even a close friend of opposite sex. (I feel put out because of this).
As for the psychologist part I don't want to go because i'm reluctant to open myself to a strange person and also because in my country the doctors aren't so good(low wages, the good doctors mostly leave and go abroad where there are better conditions)
Also i forgoted to mention. Do any of you have become more thick-skinned as the years passed? Because it bugs me how easily i can be offended by a rude comment, even though i know i overreact.
THank you for your support

 

[X-Rated]

Good job brah! i applaud you! crazy im in the same situation! fake friends who act like your friends but talk s*** behind your back! im dumping them now! its over! its hard tho! i jsut dont know. i cant trust anyone anymore! i say f*** em! but i dont have any other friends. i dont care tho. its time to realize who your real friends are! evrey body goes thru this even those with out SA! yeah im a be pretty lonley tho. i keep believing its my fault cuzz of my SA! i dont know anymore or how to make new friends cuzz i cant trust them! iv been going thru this all my life! i call them FAKE friends!!!

Be careful and weigh up your options!! At first after u`ve dumped them u`ll feel better and more relaxed but after time passes you`ll realise that you're alone and the loneliness will begin to get you down. That's how I felt though. My advice is: if their behaviour doesn't upset you much don't dump them, but it's up to you.
Also it's not our fault because we don't have many friends. People tend to bully and take advantage of people who are different , who are a little shy, whose weaknesees can be noticed(like us), and because of that our SA is becoming worse.
Also because of our SA we tend to leave bad first impressions and unfortunately people tend to classify us (didn't find a better word lol) according to their first impressions , which is wrong....
Hope you manage to take the best decision in your situation!! CHeers!

 

[RegalSin]

Your young and in HS, you could pretty much do whatever, or say whatever you want
and nobody will remember you still. I was a popular guy in my school, for multiple reasons.
Many things I did to certain people made me look a certain way. In the proccess I probably even ruined a couple of other peoples lives.

So to make you understand. You should drop the highschool thing, there is plenty of fresh new chances out there, and like my father said, I should take my chances. That means don't be a coward 24/7 hours a day. With people they will eventually be working
there behinds off, and so will you.

If I was you, I would get off the computer, go down to a college, and pick something out,and study your butt off. Or if you can do something creative, start a club, a business, some sorta art thing, and help it grow.

 

[X-Rated]

Your young and in HS, you could pretty much do whatever, or say whatever you want
and nobody will remember you still. I was a popular guy in my school, for multiple reasons.
Many things I did to certain people made me look a certain way. In the proccess I probably even ruined a couple of other peoples lives.

So to make you understand. You should drop the highschool thing, there is plenty of fresh new chances out there, and like my father said, I should take my chances. That means don't be a coward 24/7 hours a day. With people they will eventually be working
there behinds off, and so will you.

If I was you, I would get off the computer, go down to a college, and pick something out,and study your butt off. Or if you can do something creative, start a club, a business, some sorta art thing, and help it grow.

i didn't say i don't want to go to college....I just don't yet at which one i`ll go...

 

[RegalSin]

If you don't know which college to go to. Then just go down to the college itself, and
talk with the oh so freindly advisors. They will give you all the info you need to know about
your major.