dannyboy65
Well-known member
I recently watched a documentary on bullying and I just want to tell anyone out there who is thinking of ending their life because of bullying it does get better. I have autism and as far back as I can remember I have always been depressed and when I was 17 I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I want to tell you my story but please don't stop reading at the end you will learn it does change. Ever since I started school I have been the loner. I was beaten every day, verbally abused, and shunned. No one cared what happened to me. They called me everything they could come up with, their favorite name... Retard. It always hurt the most because I was always below average, I didn't know I had autism until I was 16. My teachers always told my parents that I should be in a special class. That they couldn't teach me. Ever since I started school I would always come home crying or with a bruise. The next morning I would beg mom to not let me go. through my entire school life she went to the schools more then I can count, all the same reason bullies. The school always faked a smile and said they would take care of it, instead they would call me in and tell me to say sorry to the bully. I had 5 fights, 2 with the same boy. He would always make fun of me because I was short, skinny, and awkward. He called me names everyday, one time I had enough so I bashed his head into a brick wall, crawled on top of him and punched his face as much as I could. Someone video taped it and shown it to the principle, they only shown the part where I started they didn't show him push me and call me names. In grade 6 my cousin who I loved more then anyone died in her fight for cancer. I cried in the middle of class and had to go home, when I went back everyone called me a ***** and made cancer jokes to me. In grade 9 I had a guy cut me 30 times on the wrists and then he stabbed my hand. He didn't even get a detention, and everybody else laughed at me. That same year one of the only people I trusted was told it would be funny if he hurt me so with a group surrounding him he slammed my face into a desk. I didn't know what to do so I hid in the bathroom for an hour. Finally I met a girl who I liked very much we dated for a year, until she dumped me at my grandmothers funeral. She told me for a year she was using me for sex and she cheated on me twice. When I got to high school I had no friends. I was always alone and when I went near people they would look at me funny then crack a joke about me behind my back. Everyone called me emo, gay, retard and more. I always wore sweaters because of my cuts, I hid in a hood. To me it felt like I was hiding, I felt safe when I wasn't seen. I went to a military camp that summer for six weeks. Every night of those six weeks I would be called names. They also loved to throw a blanket over my head when I wasn't looking, push me over and then stomp on me. They locked me in 6 different lockers. They knew I wouldn't fight back so one guy forced me into a pole, tied my wrists and ankles, beat me, broke my ipod, then pulled my pants down and left me there to be laughed at. I begged for help but all they did was laugh at me. I eventually was able to get out and I told the police. After being interrogated they told me it was my fault and to say I was sorry because the other guy had a sob story. After I got out of that camp no one would believe where I got my bruises. When I went back to high school it was the same thing everyday. Even to a point where I wanted to start bringing my knife to school to protect myself. In grade 11 I was diagnosed with autism and my principle met with my psychologist. The school did nothing for me even after they promised so I continued to only get by in all of my classes. Eventually bullying gotten worse and I wanted it to leave so I started to do drugs. I can't even remember a year because I was always that high or drunk. I destroyed myself and my family, I started to steal and disrespect my parents. My only friend I've ever had even started to get scared of me. My only friends were my drugs. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, I put a bag over my head and suffocated myself. I remember everything going blurry, my heart started to beat slowly, very slowly. My body felt tingly, darkness was starting to surround me. I let go of the bag and I remember the first breath I took when I got it off I was disoriented, but worst of all I was petrified. The next day I was going to school on the bus, voices were in my head telling me I was useless and I should have killed myself. I went to the hospital because of my condition. I was put in Unit 9 where the people with mental issues go. I was diagnosed schizophrenic and depressed. They kept me in a room all day, all I remember is those walls. I was going crazy in there they didn't help me they gave me pills and let me go after a week. When I went back word has already gotten around about the hospital. I couldn't take it anymore so I checked my marks and I dropped out early. Even though I went through everything I did I am happy I am still here today. I am now a college student with above average marks. I now have a group of friends, most of all I have my best friend back. I also have been drug free and alcohol free for a year. I have also been working on helping myself I have joined an autism foundation where I met one of the greatest girls ever, I am now taking her to a movie this week. Most of all though, I am finally free I won my fight against everything, I don't struggle with depression anymore, I rarely hear the voices now, and my anxiety barely exists anymore. I'm telling everyone out there who doesn't know where to turn don't give up. School years are the worst someday things will change you will go through hell now but it will pay off I promise. If you ever want to talk you can message me.