I'm going to try to write this in one sitting, so apologies in advance if it becomes long and ramble-y. I'm hoping all of this is still 100% relevant to the social phobia theme; I know the first part will be, but the second part might be questionable. :c
I'm a 23 year old dude who just moved to the Seattle area in July 2013. I was in a “serious” relationship with someone who lived in the area (together nine months, knew her online for a year and a half) who dumped me just a few days after I arrived here. I didn't move here for her alone; I came with my family for better job prospects, new place, new people, etc. Just a bit of background for reference.
In short, I feel like my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are this crazy cluster. I'll give you an example: about two weeks ago, I decided to take a morning walk to a local coffee shop. I had my hair up (spiked; my preferred hairstyle and I don't feel good unless I do it), my nice leather jacket... all around I looked decent, felt pretty good about it. I walked in there, and for some reason I suddenly felt very tense. When that happens, my already “meh” hearing goes south, and I had to say “what?” to the barista several times for different things and felt super awkward doing it. Then I glanced behind me and noticed two rather attractive young ladies about my age at a table. I didn't make eye contact with either of them.
For some reason, though, that tripped something in me and I started to feel very uncomfortable. Like they were watching me behind my back in a judgemental way. Like everyone in that place might be watching and judging every little motion I made. Ridiculous things were going through my head, such, “oh, look how awkwardly he took that receipt from the barista! Oh, what a weird way to grab that cup sleeve from the tray... and doesn't he look kind of funny, too?” Suffice it to say, I powerwalked out of there once I had my Americano.
This is something I've dealt with for a long time, and it's a strange hyper-self-consciousness where I feel like ANY little thing I could be doing, any expression I make, any thing I say is being judged and mocked and ridiculed. I make it sound worse than it usually is (the coffee shop was a more extreme example – I'd never really gotten it quite that bad before), but it's often in the back of my head when I'm out in public.
My other problem is that I feel like every single idea, goal, or motivation that I have is in some way pointed toward that big magical word that we guys like to use: “girlfriend”. I don't feel happy or content when I'm single. I never feel attractive or like the guy anyone would want to be with. That said, I've been talking to a lovely girl on a dating website lately. In short, on paper, we have a crapton of things in common and she's attractive. So this morning, about a week after we began talking, I looked at some of the questions she's answered in their survey thingy, and it seems like she's big into hooking up with guys outside of relationships because “sex is important to [her]”. Big deal, none of my business, right? Lots of people do that, even I've done it, and yet I've been fixated on this woman for the past few days and reading that crushed me a bit and made me feel jealous. Unreasonably, stupidly jealous. Not... dangerously jealous, of course, but just... the idea that she's “with someone else” bothers me and it has no reason to. I somehow latched onto this vague hope that we might really hit it off. I guess there's the possibility, but for the time being, we're still just talking.
I could probably type a whole hell of a lot more but I think that covers the two biggest things I struggle with. Is there anyone out there who's dealing with similar things and has found a good way to get through it? For me, the only thing that ever consistently lifts my spirits is music, but sometimes even that fails.
Sorry for the long one. Input appreciated.
I'm a 23 year old dude who just moved to the Seattle area in July 2013. I was in a “serious” relationship with someone who lived in the area (together nine months, knew her online for a year and a half) who dumped me just a few days after I arrived here. I didn't move here for her alone; I came with my family for better job prospects, new place, new people, etc. Just a bit of background for reference.
In short, I feel like my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are this crazy cluster. I'll give you an example: about two weeks ago, I decided to take a morning walk to a local coffee shop. I had my hair up (spiked; my preferred hairstyle and I don't feel good unless I do it), my nice leather jacket... all around I looked decent, felt pretty good about it. I walked in there, and for some reason I suddenly felt very tense. When that happens, my already “meh” hearing goes south, and I had to say “what?” to the barista several times for different things and felt super awkward doing it. Then I glanced behind me and noticed two rather attractive young ladies about my age at a table. I didn't make eye contact with either of them.
For some reason, though, that tripped something in me and I started to feel very uncomfortable. Like they were watching me behind my back in a judgemental way. Like everyone in that place might be watching and judging every little motion I made. Ridiculous things were going through my head, such, “oh, look how awkwardly he took that receipt from the barista! Oh, what a weird way to grab that cup sleeve from the tray... and doesn't he look kind of funny, too?” Suffice it to say, I powerwalked out of there once I had my Americano.
This is something I've dealt with for a long time, and it's a strange hyper-self-consciousness where I feel like ANY little thing I could be doing, any expression I make, any thing I say is being judged and mocked and ridiculed. I make it sound worse than it usually is (the coffee shop was a more extreme example – I'd never really gotten it quite that bad before), but it's often in the back of my head when I'm out in public.
My other problem is that I feel like every single idea, goal, or motivation that I have is in some way pointed toward that big magical word that we guys like to use: “girlfriend”. I don't feel happy or content when I'm single. I never feel attractive or like the guy anyone would want to be with. That said, I've been talking to a lovely girl on a dating website lately. In short, on paper, we have a crapton of things in common and she's attractive. So this morning, about a week after we began talking, I looked at some of the questions she's answered in their survey thingy, and it seems like she's big into hooking up with guys outside of relationships because “sex is important to [her]”. Big deal, none of my business, right? Lots of people do that, even I've done it, and yet I've been fixated on this woman for the past few days and reading that crushed me a bit and made me feel jealous. Unreasonably, stupidly jealous. Not... dangerously jealous, of course, but just... the idea that she's “with someone else” bothers me and it has no reason to. I somehow latched onto this vague hope that we might really hit it off. I guess there's the possibility, but for the time being, we're still just talking.
I could probably type a whole hell of a lot more but I think that covers the two biggest things I struggle with. Is there anyone out there who's dealing with similar things and has found a good way to get through it? For me, the only thing that ever consistently lifts my spirits is music, but sometimes even that fails.
Sorry for the long one. Input appreciated.
