Feeling Guilty over Self-Medication

[Kinetik]

Man, I don't know what it is, but if I can get my hands on weed, I'll smoke all I can, and if someone has coke or whatever, I'll happily do that too. Anything to alter my mindset and not think about my current situation or what an introvert, uptight geek I am.

I just can't handle it anymore. Tonight I was completely by myself but even then I felt the need to get shitfaced off alcohol, despite having no social interaction whatsoever.

Is there any hope for people like us? How do you turn a corner?

 

[Carina33]

Pot eventually made me isolate myself even more. Then I was smoking every chance during the day, until I realized I had become more numb than ever. Things that had once made me incredibly depressed did nothing to me. I didn't love the things I used to love.
Then I decided that I was going to live. I surprised myself by being able to stop smoking completely, for months. I read books on self-esteem and SA, did excercises on my own, and eventually decided that I would go 100% and find a therapist I could trust.
I promised to help myself, so when pot was in front of me again I decided it was alright because I was going to change my life--soon, at least. Then I was just having fun again, and it wasn't going to be as bad as before when I was sometimes smoking a few times a day.
That was the "relapse", and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to call a stranger and tell them I needed help. I had thought I could go without getting high, but when it was in front of me I couldn't resist. I'm back to where I was. And tonight, because I'm out of weed, I drank the last few beers in the fridge and then drank vodka by myself. I could get more weed whenever I want to. Or, if I wanted to badly enough. Otherwise, I'll probably wait till my roommate needs a refill or the opportunity is presented to me. And that's me, sitting on the couch staring at my computer. Still mostly drunk just to pass the time until I go pick up my boyfriend, my only remaining nearby "real" friend, from work in an hour.

 

[Kinetik]

Pot eventually made me isolate myself even more. Then I was smoking every chance during the day, until I realized I had become more numb than ever. Things that had once made me incredibly depressed did nothing to me. I didn't love the things I used to love.
Then I decided that I was going to live. I surprised myself by being able to stop smoking completely, for months. I read books on self-esteem and SA, did excercises on my own, and eventually decided that I would go 100% and find a therapist I could trust.
I promised to help myself, so when pot was in front of me again I decided it was alright because I was going to change my life--soon, at least. Then I was just having fun again, and it wasn't going to be as bad as before when I was sometimes smoking a few times a day.
That was the "relapse", and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to call a stranger and tell them I needed help. I had thought I could go without getting high, but when it was in front of me I couldn't resist. I'm back to where I was. And tonight, because I'm out of weed, I drank the last few beers in the fridge and then drank vodka by myself. I could get more weed whenever I want to. Or, if I wanted to badly enough. Otherwise, I'll probably wait till my roommate needs a refill or the opportunity is presented to me. And that's me, sitting on the couch staring at my computer. Still mostly drunk just to pass the time until I go pick up my boyfriend, my only remaining nearby "real" friend, from work in an hour.

I know what you mean. I was married for two years (did it too early, sue me) but we'd been together for five, and every night I waited for her to come home, to bring me food or to have me go grocery shopping with her, whatever I needed at the time. Eventually I realized I just wasn't attracted to her so we split up, and I dated a younger girl instead. That was okay, but then I realized that she needed me to step up (since I was now the older one) and I recognized that I totally wasn't up to that; ie. I felt like I was a kid even though she was chronologically younger than me. SA is really effed up.

 

[danstelter]

It might be a wise idea to explore the topic of addiction. Your usage of drugs, using "all you can get your hands on," and then getting drunk without any social interaction is consistent with addiction. You hit it right on the head when you say, "self-medicate" because that is exactly the word that addicts use to describe themselves.

There's nothing wrong with being an addict; millions are addicts to drugs, so there's no need to feel bad about it. People from all walks of life, from the homeless to corporate executives have been and continue to be addicts.

If you want to turn the corner, it's time to get these addictions (you are very likely a drug addict and possibly an alcoholic, although it is not clear from what you state) under control. How do you do that? You could check into a rehab clinic, which is incredibly expensive if you do not have insurance. If you don't have insurance, you could talk to a counselor who could help you work through it. If you don't want to do that, simply look up Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in your area; they exist in almost every city in the US and probably the UK too.

Once you have made it a while into recovery, things that didn't make sense will make sense. You'll find happiness and order where you once found chaos. It definitely works well if you work on it, so this is where I would recommend you start. Let me know if you have questions or need any further help.