eroc
New member
Man, I want to be a positive person and better this world, but for awhile now I've been feeling like I hate myself for not pushing to do better at work and feel like a fake. I'm a tranparent person most of the time but sometimes I'll put on a fake smile and tell people I'm fine. I know my moments of depression have to do with how I view myself. I have alot of negative thoughts and hate how I think about women at times. I want to have a girlfriend but everytime it turns sour because when a pretty girl finds out I like her she gives a cold shoulder until I back off and otherwise its a faked smile. I'm thinking, 'oh please! be real! Am I that fake or stupid?'. I realize they might try to be polite but it actually makes me sad knowing they can't be real with me even if I don't know them that well. One girl who's been a friend likes me and always wants to be around me; If I gave her that option she would 90% of the time but I don't want to be anything more than friends. She always asks me to do things, and I'm like, if I wanted to do that don't you think I would invite you? I frustrated because I'm trying to build on my business and yet not be a recluse. People are like, 'I haven't seen you in a few days'. I seem to push alot of my friends away by not calling them; I have so much to do and yet I don't because of my business. I know I have some true friends. Its so frustrating with the girl thing because I know I'm not financially stable as in making enough to support myself fully and yet I wish I could have girl that I could connect with and share mutual values and goals. It frustrates me because girls that I've known as friends I don't talk to much. I don't feel like I have much to say because I don't feel relaxed around them much of the time. Recently, when I look at people my age (20s),they look the other way which hurts in a way. I feel like I hate this world and its cruel and yet I feel cruel because I feel so depressed sometimes. I find it fun to help people but inconvient when it is seems forced on me. I'm trying to not be afraid to say hi to people but alot of the time I don't feel like saying hi. I lack the motivation to push myself in learning new work skills sometimes because I'm preoccupied with my physical or relational issues...
