I haven't posted here in a long time...I feel the need to vent, so here it goes.
Lately I've been feeling drained by my loved ones and their problems. I know it sounds selfish, because I love all of them and I want them to feel comfortable coming to me for advice or comfort. I wouldn't give up any of them for the world. But at the same time, I wish that for the first time in my life that I could just have some alone time, maybe for a day, maybe more, to be in a relaxing environment and not talk to anyone. And to be able to do this without hurting anyone's feelings or sounding like...well...an *******.
My family isn't abusive, but they're hard to live with. I'm 24 years old with a part-time job at Kohl's, an English degree, and looking for entry-level jobs. My job search always involves me wavering between fear of failure and fear of success.
Failure: I'm afraid I'll never be able to find a job before the loans roll in, be stuck at home.
Success: I'm afraid that I'm not good enough to get a new job, I'm applying for jobs that require years of experience (which I lack) and am afraid of sucking so bad they regretted hiring me.
My family is always yelling and arguing every single day, especially at 5 in the morning when my sister gets up for high school. It's always a shouting match with all of them flinging insults at eachother. Most of the time I try to stay out of it and be the pacifist - other times I get dragged into it and end up taking sides, which makes it worse. Once one person gets set off, someone usually ends up crying (my sister or my mom). This has gone on for years and while I've accepted it as the norm, I'm losing my energy.
My little sister is surrounded by friends with depression, and these friends never listen to her or her problems because they're always talking about themselves. She comes home and lashes out at the family and is easily angered and cries a lot. My diabetic mom is extremely dependent and relies on my dad and I to drive her places because her driving phobia has confined her to the house. She nags my sister constantly about her needing to lose weight because she says she fears she is at a risk for diabetes, but it comes across as pushy and hurtful.
I worry about my parents' effect on my little sister's already broken self-esteem regarding her being overweight, especially with my mom telling her that she needs to exercise constantly, and my dad saying that her legs were too fat to learn how to ride a bicycle. She feels ugly and worthless as a person. I am not overweight so I never had to deal with that. But I do remember in high school to the present, I never wore make-up. My parents told me that I was 'wasting my youth' by not wearing make-up, that men are initially attracted to a woman that cares about her appearance enough to wear make-up, and that I was going to grow up old and alone. Not as bad as being nagged about one's weight, but it chipped away at my self-esteem for a long time.
I have two best friends, but I'm only really close to one of them, and we talk every day. My best friend is amazing and caring and overall wonderful person, and she is so understanding of my situation at home. But at the same time I find myself drained by her as well. Ever since we started college, she's been miserable and always talked about how much she hated that place and felt like it was a waste of time. She's been working a part-time job at our local kennel for 4 years and while she loves animals, it is minimum wage and does not pay her school loans. While she loves this job, she has also been getting tired of the menial work since she has fibromyalgia it just adds to her physical pain.
She found a job at the local hospital as a secretary that's also part time, which give her more experience until she finds a full-time job. I was so happy for her and we celebrated with dinner. But ever since then, after she has been working both jobs for a few months, and she tells me every morning that she hates this new job with a passion and wants out. She sits at a desk for 8 hours with almost nothing to do. I understand why she's upset - she likes to keep busy. But like the situation in college, I have to hear about how much she hates her job and just wants a change every single day.
So she started applying for new jobs again to get out of this one, which I encouraged her to do, since she needs something full-time anyway.
She recently got called back for a second interview for a school secretary position, which is full-time. Now she's considering backing out of the opportunity because she doesn't want to leave her comfort zone or her job at the kennel and is extremely stressed. I gave her the best advice I could and reassured her, but at the same time I feel resentful and jealous. I love her and I want nothing more for her to succeed, and I just want to be there for her. But I'm also feeling very drained by her problems as well as jealous that she's getting all these new opportunities while I'm still stuck in my rut.
If no one reads this giant block of text I don't really blame you, it's long-winded and sounds like a bunch of whining ^^; But if you do, thanks for that. Long story short - I love my friends and family, but I feel the need to be away from them for a while, or even in small intervals to get some alone time.
Lately I've been feeling drained by my loved ones and their problems. I know it sounds selfish, because I love all of them and I want them to feel comfortable coming to me for advice or comfort. I wouldn't give up any of them for the world. But at the same time, I wish that for the first time in my life that I could just have some alone time, maybe for a day, maybe more, to be in a relaxing environment and not talk to anyone. And to be able to do this without hurting anyone's feelings or sounding like...well...an *******.
My family isn't abusive, but they're hard to live with. I'm 24 years old with a part-time job at Kohl's, an English degree, and looking for entry-level jobs. My job search always involves me wavering between fear of failure and fear of success.
Failure: I'm afraid I'll never be able to find a job before the loans roll in, be stuck at home.
Success: I'm afraid that I'm not good enough to get a new job, I'm applying for jobs that require years of experience (which I lack) and am afraid of sucking so bad they regretted hiring me.
My family is always yelling and arguing every single day, especially at 5 in the morning when my sister gets up for high school. It's always a shouting match with all of them flinging insults at eachother. Most of the time I try to stay out of it and be the pacifist - other times I get dragged into it and end up taking sides, which makes it worse. Once one person gets set off, someone usually ends up crying (my sister or my mom). This has gone on for years and while I've accepted it as the norm, I'm losing my energy.
My little sister is surrounded by friends with depression, and these friends never listen to her or her problems because they're always talking about themselves. She comes home and lashes out at the family and is easily angered and cries a lot. My diabetic mom is extremely dependent and relies on my dad and I to drive her places because her driving phobia has confined her to the house. She nags my sister constantly about her needing to lose weight because she says she fears she is at a risk for diabetes, but it comes across as pushy and hurtful.
I worry about my parents' effect on my little sister's already broken self-esteem regarding her being overweight, especially with my mom telling her that she needs to exercise constantly, and my dad saying that her legs were too fat to learn how to ride a bicycle. She feels ugly and worthless as a person. I am not overweight so I never had to deal with that. But I do remember in high school to the present, I never wore make-up. My parents told me that I was 'wasting my youth' by not wearing make-up, that men are initially attracted to a woman that cares about her appearance enough to wear make-up, and that I was going to grow up old and alone. Not as bad as being nagged about one's weight, but it chipped away at my self-esteem for a long time.
I have two best friends, but I'm only really close to one of them, and we talk every day. My best friend is amazing and caring and overall wonderful person, and she is so understanding of my situation at home. But at the same time I find myself drained by her as well. Ever since we started college, she's been miserable and always talked about how much she hated that place and felt like it was a waste of time. She's been working a part-time job at our local kennel for 4 years and while she loves animals, it is minimum wage and does not pay her school loans. While she loves this job, she has also been getting tired of the menial work since she has fibromyalgia it just adds to her physical pain.
She found a job at the local hospital as a secretary that's also part time, which give her more experience until she finds a full-time job. I was so happy for her and we celebrated with dinner. But ever since then, after she has been working both jobs for a few months, and she tells me every morning that she hates this new job with a passion and wants out. She sits at a desk for 8 hours with almost nothing to do. I understand why she's upset - she likes to keep busy. But like the situation in college, I have to hear about how much she hates her job and just wants a change every single day.
So she started applying for new jobs again to get out of this one, which I encouraged her to do, since she needs something full-time anyway.
She recently got called back for a second interview for a school secretary position, which is full-time. Now she's considering backing out of the opportunity because she doesn't want to leave her comfort zone or her job at the kennel and is extremely stressed. I gave her the best advice I could and reassured her, but at the same time I feel resentful and jealous. I love her and I want nothing more for her to succeed, and I just want to be there for her. But I'm also feeling very drained by her problems as well as jealous that she's getting all these new opportunities while I'm still stuck in my rut.
If no one reads this giant block of text I don't really blame you, it's long-winded and sounds like a bunch of whining ^^; But if you do, thanks for that. Long story short - I love my friends and family, but I feel the need to be away from them for a while, or even in small intervals to get some alone time.
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