feel like I am losing it - burn out?

[cowboyup]

I'm going to regret posting this but I have to get this off my chest before I crumble...

I am ashamed to admit what I did last night but I know you guys can relate. I took (2) 10 mg valium = yes, 20 mg. total and I still freaked out at entering my online class. Usually it is easy for me to jot something down, do the homework, participate in discussions, etc. Not a big deal - just go with the flow. This semester I feel like I am losing it, losing my grip, maybe it's just burn out from watching the kids, keeping up with housework, their 5 loads of laundry every few days, and never having time to read, relax or anything.

This class is all about 'finding yourself' getting in touch with your feelings, what choices you make, all that sh..it. I honestly can say I do not give a sh..it at this point, I am just biding my time til I die. I don't know what my likes or dislikes are, nor do I care. I really do not care.

I grew up knowing what everyone else likes, but (and I know this sounds very out there) I never got to know what I like or dislike or what feelings are for me. I can sure answer for everyone I know, but when it comes to me, I draw a blank - I literally can not think.

I am in tears because my brother thinks it is necessary to finish school and he is paying for it. YES, I am very fortunate for his help and I do NOT take it for granted but my mind and body can't take much more -- at least for now. I think I need a break.

Then I feel so da..mn guilty because I see and hear of all these people going back to school who hold down full time jobs, have a house full of kids to take care of and have no car or are battling cancer yet they STILL are going on - finishing what they started. So why can't I? They have it far worse than I do yet here I am whining as usual. I am such a dumb a.s..s

What's so different with me? Why don't I have the willpower to just get it done and go on?

I purposely find things to do instead of homework...playing on the internet, watching tv, just basically drawing out the day as much as possible and ignoring what I NEED to be doing and I can't realistically keep taking medication to cope just to get through a damn semester of college. That's stupid in of itself!

sorry about this, I just needed to get this off my chest. No need to respond.

 

[Dreamscape]

At least you had the willpower to write these to this forum and let it out of your chest. I am feeling the same way, exhausted to do what I want afraid and anxious even when around people. Don't know but even meds not going to help me.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I know the feeling. Half of me (actually 3/4) would like to be hit by a meteor and the other sliver wants to live. But, it's the 3/4 of me that sabotages everything. I procrastinate and I engage in a lot of negative self talk i.e Why bother trying when my life is worthless anyway...etc.
The 1/4 of me is very ambitious and stubborn which is why I'm still alive and trudging forward. But, it's not enough. I need to be "all in", I need to be playing to win. Instead, I'm RUNNING OUT THE CLOCK.
This dichotomy has ruined my life and continues to do so......If I don't change soon, there won't be anything to salvage. My negative self talk keeps telling me there isn't anyway, "so just end it and cut your loses and stop humiliating yourself". The Game is Over.
The positive side of me says, "But, you still have a quarter, play it!"

I am a divided man. :sad:

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I think the problem is having to talk about yourself. I think you've been avoiding "you" for a long time. Your identity now consists of everyone else's needs. Their wants at the expense of your own. But financially, you're trapped in staying there.
Sigh............If you could just move out and live your own life. But, it's never so simple.

I wish I had some good advice. I know you're going through a lot. A romantic interests could bring a ray of light into you pit of darkness. I know it would for me.

 

[cowboyup]

I know the feeling. Half of me (actually 3/4) would like to be hit by a meteor and the other sliver wants to live. But, it's the 3/4 of me that sabotages everything. I procrastinate and I engage in a lot of negative self talk i.e Why bother trying when my life is worthless anyway...etc.
The 1/4 of me is very ambitious and stubborn which is why I'm still alive and trudging forward. But, it's not enough. I need to be "all in", I need to be playing to win. Instead, I'm RUNNING OUT THE CLOCK.
This dichotomy has ruined my life and continues to do so......If I don't change soon, there won't be anything to salvage. My negative self talk keeps telling me there isn't anyway, "so just end it and cut your loses and stop humiliating yourself". The Game is Over.
The positive side of me says, "But, you still have a quarter, play it!"

I am a divided man. :sad:

^yup,, I hear where you're coming from. I know from my experience, I really do try to trudge through things to at least salvage to make it better (even if it's a little bit) but I guess this class, in particular, made me feel humiliated in a way that I never really considered. For example, I gained courage to log into the class and thought, "ok, let me see what I can do" - it's a step. So I log in, check out all the intros of what others have posted, and the first journal entries. They went something like this: "Hi, I'm xx, I am xx years old, been married for xx years, with xx kids, and work at xx."
"My hobbies include xx, xx, and xx."

Their journal entries are: "For me, striving to be a better parent with my children" or "My husband and I recently went through xx and we are now working things out thanks to our supportive friends and family"
or "working on getting through college and by the time I am 30 I want to have my Bachelor's degree and I already am working at xx as an intern so" ... blah blah blah

Well, I realized that I honestly can't relate to any of that. What do I say, "Hi, I am a female, 43, no job, no husband, never had a bf, no kids, and I live with my brother because I lost my job" "My hobbies are ummm, well, let's see, uh the internet, I like to watch tv, movies and read, and I've been trying to get my associate degree since 1997 and thus far no luck"
Oh and just for kicks and giggles, I have SA really bad.

So I guess what I am getting at is that it kind of slapped me in the face as to just how much I have been putting off - procrastinating - life, just life in general. I don't even have any friends. Maybe I should lie! LOL.

 

[cowboyup]

I think the problem is having to talk about yourself. I think you've been avoiding "you" for a long time. Your identity now consists of everyone else's needs. Their wants at the expense of your own. But financially, you're trapped in staying there.
Sigh............If you could just move out and live your own life. But, it's never so simple.

I wish I had some good advice. I know you're going through a lot. A romantic interests could bring a ray of light into you pit of darkness. I know it would for me.

And you hit it right on the nose! I have been avoiding "me" and I just now realized it. As silly as it sounds

I do appreciate your thoughts about it, believe me I don't take it for granted!

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Well, I realized that I honestly can't relate to any of that. What do I say, "Hi, I am a female, 43, no job, no husband, never had a bf, no kids, and I live with my brother because I lost my job" "My hobbies are ummm, well, let's see, uh the internet, I like to watch tv, movies and read, and I've been trying to get my associate degree since 1997 and thus far no luck"
Oh and just for kicks and giggles, I have SA really bad.
.

YES....YES! That's exactly what you write. Be honest. You can't hide from yourself anyways. Write about how depressed that it makes you feel. That you've been so busy helping everyone else live their lives you neglected your very own! And you know what? People will relate. At least on some level. We've all felt neglected, boring, hopeless..........the other students will appreciate your honesty and it will encourage them to open up too. Not to mention, you will come out of this a lot stronger because you've finally confronted yourself.

This is a wonderful opportunity. And, people appreciate authenticity. Your threads are always so interesting. I love reading them! (seriously, get out the popcorn). You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself that I find engaging. Now, take that gift to your online class and just let it out! You'll be glad that you did! And, so will the other students! Don't be fake.

 

[this_portrait]

Wow. Just when I was having a freakout of my own and feeling guilty for skipping out on an extracurricular activity I like because I can't bear going out into the ice storm again, I come across your post. I can relate in the sense that I'm going to school and working part-time, plus doing these extracurricular activities, and sometimes it burns me out, too. I don't know how a lot of adults working full-time and raising kids do it.

When you say that you're so used to focusing on others that you never really got to focus on yourself, that reminds me of my mother, because she's the same way and has been for many many years. I know it's easier said than done, but you just gotta start putting yourself before others, at least just a little bit. It might help to take a look at the situations of the people in your life. Do they tend to do fine on their own? If so, then you don't need to worry about them so much, which gives you more incentive to focus on yourself.

Just a thought.

 

[jaim38]

Their journal entries are: "For me, striving to be a better parent with my children" or "My husband and I recently went through xx and we are now working things out thanks to our supportive friends and family"
or "working on getting through college and by the time I am 30 I want to have my Bachelor's degree and I already am working at xx as an intern so" ... blah blah blah

Well, I realized that I honestly can't relate to any of that. What do I say, "Hi, I am a female, 43, no job, no husband, never had a bf, no kids, and I live with my brother because I lost my job" "My hobbies are ummm, well, let's see, uh the internet, I like to watch tv, movies and read, and I've been trying to get my associate degree since 1997 and thus far no luck"
Oh and just for kicks and giggles, I have SA really bad.

OMG, I can totally relate. I take online classes too and I dread writing introductions, always. My classmates seem so much more successful than I am. Their introductions go somewhat like this: "Hi I'm XXX, I'm working at XXX, I have a wonderful bf/husband. I have X years of experience in XXXX. I love to do XX and XX for my hobbies. My goal is to graduate in 20XX and get a Bachelor's and maybe master's in XXXX." I'm also unemployed, living with family. I have nothing to boast about. However, it doesn't mean that I have to lie in my intro. Basically, I made my intro positive but I'm careful not to reveal anything negative. The intro should be brief and consise.

For your intro, I recommend saying things like "Some of my hobbies including drawing and painting. Art is my passion. I am looking forward to learning XXX in this class."

 

[cowboyup]

YES....YES! That's exactly what you write. Be honest. You can't hide from yourself anyways. Write about how depressed that it makes you feel. That you've been so busy helping everyone else live their lives you neglected your very own! And you know what? People will relate. At least on some level. We've all felt neglected, boring, hopeless..........the other students will appreciate your honesty and it will encourage them to open up too. Not to mention, you will come out of this a lot stronger because you've finally confronted yourself.

This is a wonderful opportunity. And, people appreciate authenticity. Your threads are always so interesting. I love reading them! (seriously, get out the popcorn). You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself that I find engaging. Now, take that gift to your online class and just let it out! You'll be glad that you did! And, so will the other students! Don't be fake.

Well, I did it. YIKES! But I put it out there - I even said word for word what I said here....no smoke and mirrors, just raw thoughts.
Well this should be interesting to see responses in the class
Hey, thanks for the advice, you helped me a lot !!

 

[cowboyup]

OMG, I can totally relate. I take online classes too and I dread writing introductions, always. My classmates seem so much more successful than I am. Their introductions go somewhat like this: "Hi I'm XXX, I'm working at XXX, I have a wonderful bf/husband. I have X years of experience in XXXX. I love to do XX and XX for my hobbies. My goal is to graduate in 20XX and get a Bachelor's and maybe master's in XXXX." I'm also unemployed, living with family. I have nothing to boast about. However, it doesn't mean that I have to lie in my intro. Basically, I made my intro positive but I'm careful not to reveal anything negative. The intro should be brief and consise.

For your intro, I recommend saying things like "Some of my hobbies including drawing and painting. Art is my passion. I am looking forward to learning XXX in this class."

^You too, huh? Whew, I am not alone...lol
Yes, that 's what I did. I was honest, but I didn't make it to be a total pity party
Thanks for the advice!!

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

:applause: You're awesome!! Being yourself, is liberating. You'll definitely get so much more out of the class now. I'm proud of you!