Fed up with reality

Kathryn

Kathryn

Well-known member
So I'm a few weeks from entering UF and I'm a nervous reck.
I haven't made a friend in 11 long years, and it's unlikely that I'll have any success in college. I have the social skills of a snail.
I've missed so much in life...teenage years are supposed to be the best years of your life, but I've wasted them away. And now they sit on the edge of my subcouncious and pull me into reality.

Lately I lock myself in my room and watch anime shows all day. They make me even more sad because they remind me of my childhood, and all the friends I could've made but refused to talk to throughout the years. I makes me feel so stupid, I can't believe that I've let my life sink like this. I feel like such a loser, and nothing makes me happy, not even those colorful shows.

My mom forces me to shop daily, in order to prepare for college. My room has filled up with all kinds of boxes and clothes, all waiting for the day of my departure. But it's all just a waste, and I feel as cold and lonesome as those pitless boxes.

At this point all I have are my two parents, who are as lonesome and tired as I am. My two sisters are a fleeting memory, and their empty rooms are filled with ghosts, full of angst at my presence. They want me to leave this house; to spend my days with the friends who never existed.

So I watch those happy little anime characters flock across the screen, and they remind me of my lost adolescence, my lost existence. I wonder if I'll ever be happy among people, and its likely that my depression will hold me back in college. I want so badly to belong somewhere in this world.
 
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mrb

mrb

Well-known member
you might find it wont be as bad as you think , you might make freinds its all a little scary at mo but it might be the best thing thats happened to you , good luck and try to think positive , i also have some massive changes in my life coming up , and yes as you im worried about it , good luck to both of us eh lol ;)
 
Kathryn

Kathryn

Well-known member
All my life I've been told how boring I am. I hope all goes well, but I can only hope that someone will find me interesting.
 
K

k123dave

Well-known member
Change is never easy, this is especially true for those of us with social anxiety, in any respect. It's a battle to change anything in my life because (in my head) I dislike anything unknown, yet in my heart ? I yearn it, so deeply and it hurts.

Your post, even by itself, is a building block on which you cry out for friends. We are all here to help each other. Yes we make mistakes, but we do learn by them. I believe that even by making a friend on this board you are starting a revolution. It is slow and tedious, but don't give up!

What am I trying to say? Dig into your reserves and try to enter UF with open arms. it is easy to become reclusive and hide away, and every second you do, is a second not filled with laughter of friends. Try to think positive, I'm sure you will find people who connect with you :) You have an awesome opportunity, take it while you can.

off topic: Your writing, as poignant as it is, is very artistic, have you considered becoming a writer?
 
mrb

mrb

Well-known member
Kathryn said:
All my life I've been told how boring I am. I hope all goes well, but I can only hope that someone will find me interesting.
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i think your interesting lol :D .... there you go your makin freinds already :)
 
Kathryn

Kathryn

Well-known member
k123dave said:
Change is never easy, this is especially true for those of us with social anxiety, in any respect. It's a battle to change anything in my life because (in my head) I dislike anything unknown, yet in my heart ? I yearn it, so deeply and it hurts.

Your post, even by itself, is a building block on which you cry out for friends. We are all here to help each other. Yes we make mistakes, but we do learn by them. I believe that even by making a friend on this board you are starting a revolution. It is slow and tedious, but don't give up!

What am I trying to say? Dig into your reserves and try to enter UF with open arms. it is easy to become reclusive and hide away, and every second you do, is a second not filled with laughter of friends. Try to think positive, I'm sure you will find people who connect with you :) You have an awesome opportunity, take it while you can.

off topic: Your writing, as poignant as it is, is very artistic, have you considered becoming a writer?
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Thank you very much. I've considered it, but I'm not really decided on a career path at the moment
 
mrb

mrb

Well-known member
hey i like your avi lol wish i knew how to do that , but iv only got 1 brain cell ::(: and it doesnt know how to do it :confused:
 
R

rurushu

New member
Hey there,

I was surprised, or rather moved when I read your post because I can really relate to the situation you're going through. I'm also someone who finds it hard to make friends. In fact, I haven't made one since before I entered high school, and the few friends I had before all went their separate ways long ago.

So nowadays, I'm pretty much spending every day in my room, listening to music, playing games, watching anime, which only makes me more depressed than I already am, for the same reasons you stated.

I'm also getting ready for college and my feelings about that are somewhat mixed. I see in it a chance to start a new life by distancing myself from pretty much all the people I knew so far and getting rid of this aura of loneliness that I've built around me. But I'm somewhat afraid that I won't be able to do that and that I'll fall into this black hole again. But I guess this hope is the only thing that's giving me some solace right now.

So basically, my advice would be to see this upcoming change as the perfect opportunity to start anew and not as something to be depressed about. In the end it may not work out the way you planned, but for now only hope can push us to try harder.
 
D

da_illest101

Well-known member
Kathryn said:
So I'm a few weeks from entering UF and I'm a nervous reck.
I haven't made a friend in 11 long years, and it's unlikely that I'll have any success in college. I have the social skills of a snail.
I've missed so much in life...teenage years are supposed to be the best years of your life, but I've wasted them away. And now they sit on the edge of my subcouncious and pull me into reality.

Lately I lock myself in my room and watch anime shows all day. They make me even more sad because they remind me of my childhood, and all the friends I could've made but refused to talk to throughout the years. I makes me feel so stupid, I can't believe that I've let my life sink like this. I feel like such a loser, and nothing makes me happy, not even those colorful shows.

My mom forces me to shop daily, in order to prepare for college. My room has filled up with all kinds of boxes and clothes, all waiting for the day of my departure. But it's all just a waste, and I feel as cold and lonesome as those pitless boxes.

At this point all I have are my two parents, who are as lonesome and tired as I am. My two sisters are a fleeting memory, and their empty rooms are filled with ghosts, full of angst at my presence. They want me to leave this house; to spend my days with the friends who never existed.

So I watch those happy little anime characters flock across the screen, and they remind me of my lost adolescence, my lost existence. I wonder if I'll ever be happy among people, and its likely that my depression will hold me back in college. I want so badly to belong somewhere in this world.
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Lmao the social skill of a snail, that sound more exciting then me, anyways i feel your pain, all the time i keep telling myself how anime and video games are so much more interesting the my life
 
S

SplosionDude

Active member
Kathryn said:
So I'm a few weeks from entering UF and I'm a nervous reck.
I haven't made a friend in 11 long years, and it's unlikely that I'll have any success in college. I have the social skills of a snail.
I've missed so much in life...teenage years are supposed to be the best years of your life, but I've wasted them away. And now they sit on the edge of my subcouncious and pull me into reality.

Lately I lock myself in my room and watch anime shows all day. They make me even more sad because they remind me of my childhood, and all the friends I could've made but refused to talk to throughout the years. I makes me feel so stupid, I can't believe that I've let my life sink like this. I feel like such a loser, and nothing makes me happy, not even those colorful shows.

My mom forces me to shop daily, in order to prepare for college. My room has filled up with all kinds of boxes and clothes, all waiting for the day of my departure. But it's all just a waste, and I feel as cold and lonesome as those pitless boxes.

At this point all I have are my two parents, who are as lonesome and tired as I am. My two sisters are a fleeting memory, and their empty rooms are filled with ghosts, full of angst at my presence. They want me to leave this house; to spend my days with the friends who never existed.

So I watch those happy little anime characters flock across the screen, and they remind me of my lost adolescence, my lost existence. I wonder if I'll ever be happy among people, and its likely that my depression will hold me back in college. I want so badly to belong somewhere in this world.
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Hey, Kathryn

Yeah, that's pretty much my situation, too (only I'm a year off college/uni').

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about all the gatherings/parties I've missed out on, all the people I could have gotten to know, etc. throughout my teens. I also feel really empty because I've never really had any strong connection with another person (best friend, girlfriend, etc.). Nobody outside my immediate family would really care if I died today and that gets me down.
 
Kathryn

Kathryn

Well-known member
Thanks everyone for cheering me up. This site has some of the most empathetic people. If I were to go anywhere else, no one would relate to me and I'd automatically become the subject of criticism. Thanks again for your understanding.
 
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CPA23

CPA23

Well-known member
Believe me, we understand and we care. It's very hard to describe to people how I feel, so I just keep it to myself as usual. I just don't know the words to use how I feel. Confused, frustrated, unhappy, lonely, disappointed, lost, detached, etc. There are many more negative words I could use, but I really don't want to go there. I just always ask myself where did I go wrong? What happened to me? I just remember having a good childhood. It wasn't perfect by any means, but I was generally happy. Then, when I became a teenager, everything went downhill. I became extremely anti-social, detached, anxious and apprehensive. In junior high, high school and college, I was a social misfit. I've never been out on a date and never had any close friends. I was just so unhappy with myself and so frustrated and confused b/c I didn't know why I became this way.

I guess I could point out some situations in my life that could have possibly caused this, but that would be blaming my problems on something. I do believe in God and He has brought me through a lot in my life. Just me making it to 25 is a blessing in its own. I just have been so frustrated for the last 12+ years of my life. I have had some progress, but it doesn't seem to last. I've never really thought about suicide, but I just want to be happier. I just wish I could talk to someone about how I feel. I really have thought about seeing a therapist just so someone can listen to how I feel. We really didn't do a lot of talking in our family and I'm actually kind of embarrassed and ashamed to talk to someone in my family. They more than likely wouldn't understand anyway. So, I just try to do some "self-talk". That does help.

Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know that I understand and I am empathetic towards your feelings. It is very difficult to live when no one understands how you feel. Just find something to live for and let that motivate you. You will have your good and bad days, but doesn't everyone. I just want to be a source of support for anyone. God bless.
 
DanFC

DanFC

Well-known member
Hey, I'm at UF! Good to know there's another SA person here. How do you like it so far?
 
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