Fear of hurting someone

[Krazyisnotfun]

So I've been having an issue. Whenever I go down to visit my dad now, I start becoming really fearful that I'm going to hurt/kill him.

This all started a few months back during a fight between him and I when my OCD started acting up and I began to convince myself that he was going to murder me. After a month of thinking this way, I went to visit him, at which point I came up with scenarios in my head about how I would defend against him if he came to kill me. In one scenario I would be the one to kill him instead to save my own life.

After that thought entered my head, I began becoming extremely worried that I was going to act on that thought and kill him. Now for the past few weeks I've been worried that I would become a murderer and be sent to prison. It's making me not want to be around him for fear of hurting him.

Is this type of thinking normal? For the record I have been diagnosed with OCD. Just some confirmation from other sufferers or those experienced with the illness would be awesome

 

[A_Lighter_Shade]

I'd had a similar situation going on for quite some time. All my life really. When other little boys had a crush on their elementary school teacher, I was the one fantasizing about cutting her up. It's been a while since I had a problem imagining these things about people I know. Down to pretty much not at all now that I've found a medication that works for me.

My most common thing was to keep running "what if I get mugged" or "what if I meet a crazed gunman?" scenarios in my head. Sound a lot like yours really, just with a theoretical person. I would have a variety of solutions from talking them down to killing them. Some of the solutions would really worry me. I'd often get hallucinations of hurting people around me in the moment, but my "premeditated" scenarios were usually about imaginary people.

So yes, I think I know just what you're talking about. And no, I don't think it reflects on you. If two pills a day make me stop thinking that way then it wasn't really me to begin with.

Also, I'd had these problems for over twenty years before it was even diagnosed as OCD. I never did anything really bad because of it. So I think you'll be alright.

 

[vexatiousmind]

I think the same way. My dad is a paranoid schizophrenic who stops taking his meds for no reason, so I think he may snap and try to attack me one day. Then I would have to hurt him to defend myself. I would never kill him though.
If you two get into physical fights, I would invest in pepper spray.
and stay clear for a while, if you are having these thoughts.

 

[Feathers]

Yeah, can you find ways to just 'not kill' if a situation arose? (Not sure how good pepper spray would be, you could get it in your eyes too? Depends on the situation maybe... If you do get it it's good if you know how to use it... )
I always wonder in movies or 'cop actions' (especially when they 'get' the wrong person) why they kill and not just use eg stuff that gets elephants to sleep a bit or such? (Though people can possibly be allergic to such too.. still better if they're alive and can 'mend their ways'...)
If your dad would attack could you retreat or get some other relatives to 'step in' and make him 'come to senses' or call cops/a bouncer neighbour next door who could help make him behave etc? Or someone yr dad respects and could relate to and become calmer?
Also stay away from violent video games if you can.

Pure O sounds like what you're talking about, yeah... Have you gotten any treatment for it by a specialist? There are some people on Stuckinthedoorway forum talking about this too... There are people there who have been happily married and have been thinking stuff like this about their wife/family etc.
Someone was talking about possible myelin sheath problems, so minerals/vitamins or some other nutrition tweaks that help with that could be helpful too...

Vexatious, sorry to hear about your dad... must be a terrible situation... hope things stay allright...

 

[vexatiousmind]

Vexatious, sorry to hear about your dad... must be a terrible situation... hope things stay allright...

Thanks feathers

I don't live with him, and he is taking his meds now. He was not last month, but as far as I know he has not been violent in years.

It's not that bad actually, he is fully functional when he is on meds. I just worry about it sometimes.

 

[Feathers]

Thanks feathers

I don't live with him, and he is taking his meds now. He was not last month, but as far as I know he has not been violent in years.

It's not that bad actually, he is fully functional when he is on meds. I just worry about it sometimes.

Glad to hear he's allright then (at least at the time) and that you don't have to live there...
Yeah, I can understand the worry...

My dad can be... unpredictable too... He's not really diagnosed with anything (?) and he's not physically violent (anymore - only when we were kiddies, such a grownup man, right? ) he could be insulting sometimes though...

I've been afraid of hurting people too, but emotionally, not physically... Except if they're really bad politicians and I'd be afraid to bite their heads off or something (or cry). It's not rational either, and I know it's probably some kind of Pure O/CBT thought distortion/neurotic behavior too...

I can obsess about some other things though - probably Pure O, though self-diagnosed, haven't gone to a doc/specialist for this... (It sometimes feels quite silly though...)

 

[vexatiousmind]

well I don't think you would ever hurt someone, emotionally or physically. Not on purpose at least.

And I am sorry about your dad. I can't stand grown men that are abusive to kids. (in any type of way)

Or dads that are mean to there kids, even if there kids are grown.

idk what else to say. :hugs:

 

[A_Lighter_Shade]

Just want to make sure of something. Krazyisnotfun, if I understand you, the main issue is that you have an irrational fear that your father is going to hurt you. Is that the case?

Something that helped me with similar thoughts was to take a martial arts class. Sounds odd I know. But I took Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, a martial art that focuses on grappling and subduing your opponent without actually hurting them. Once I'd taken a semester of this class my persistent fantasies shifted to simply subduing or at worst choking someone until they were unconscious. Much better than before, where the fantasies involved things like eye gouging.