VioletTears
Well-known member
I wrote this on another forum and decided to post it here, too... I'm wondering if others relate... Or if other people feel judged for different reasons...
I keep trying to think of an answer to WHY I think so badly of myself and worry about people judging me… I guess it’s complicated but when I really think about it probably I’m being at least partly illogical… but it’s still a fear and I just can’t shake it. I mean, it’s kind of like how you could tell someone that a certain snake was harmless and go to great lengths to prove it but they would still be afraid of it…
I was hardly teased as a kid and to this day people don’t usually SAY mean things to me or criticize me… Mostly I just worry that people THINK those things. Also I guess I have often felt that people don’t like me because they ignore me… It actually didn’t occur to me that I was just as guilty of “ignoring them” (because I was scared of them) until I was in my senior year of highschool… I always thought they didn’t talk to me because they thought I was a dork and they were “too good for me” or whatever… But even after realizing my responsibility in it I was still too afraid to initiate relationships… Because without them initiating it there’s just no way to KNOW that they really want anything to do with me… Even in college I was never good at making friends. The worst was when I lived in the dorm. We were required to pay tons of money for the meal plan but I hated eating in the cafeteria because I never fit in at all and I always ate by myself… Then if people tried to join me I would be scared of them. Finally I just couldn’t handle the anxiety anymore so after 2 months of that I started walking to the grocery store and buying food to keep in my room because I was too embarrassed to eat in there… Even though I was totally broke and I was still paying for the cafeteria food too
In terms of REAL criticism, things I have heard people say about me… at work, from a teacher who I used to be on the same team with, “I once worked with a teacher who likely had an attachment disorder” (went on to describe me and how I don’t form relationships with other staff/communicate things to people… I’m sure everyone knew it was me)... "You know, she doesn’t like to ask for help with things" (then we go to a training a week later saying how people with low self esteem don’t ask for help and I feel sure everyone is thinking of me)… Or people will say things about KIDS being too calm or too quiet or whatever and that something is just “not quite right” with them and since I’m the same way I’ll think, if they think that about that child they must think it about me, too. Or an aunt recently said of my neice, “I was actually really impressed my her… I expected her to be more… quiet… but she really wasn’t!” –which I then take and think, oh, so she thinks low of people who are quiet… Like me. Mostly I don’t hear people say things as much as I feel sure they are saying things behind my back or thinking things… Or like my MIL recently said to my DH that she didn’t understand why I am still so shy and nervous around them when I have known them for so long. I really TRY not to be nervous and shy around her but I know I am, but it makes me feel worse that she notices. So the stupid thing about all of this is, mainly people are judging me for being paranoid that they are judging me… and so maybe if I could stop being paranoid they wouldn’t judge me… But I can’t help it
I do feel ugly a lot, too… I don't really want to say why on here... Mostly I think people probably don’t care. I mean, it’s not like I pick other people apart like I pick apart myself, so they probably don’t do it to me, either… Logically I know that… but sometimes I worry that people are thinking, why did my DH settle for me, or that they will know that I have sex because I’m married and have a kid and they will be grossed out by that. Realistically though probably people don’t really care but I still get paranoid that they do.
I also feel stupid because when I'm having conversations with people my mind is so slow and I stumble all over when I talk and get confused easily and stuff... So then I feel like everyone else is way smarter than me... Although I graduated suma cum laud so if I'm as dumb as I feel I shouldn't have managed that... But I guess I'm situationally stupid or something Like when we have meetings at work everyone else has so much to say and they are all so articulate and I just sit there and think, how do they even come up with this stuff?!? My mind just feels so blank.
I also think that something about me is just DIFFERENT than other people and that alone could give them reason to not like me. I don’t know what I would do without the internet… As much as it’s an unhealthy addiction in some ways, it’s the only way I can really connect with people...
I keep trying to think of an answer to WHY I think so badly of myself and worry about people judging me… I guess it’s complicated but when I really think about it probably I’m being at least partly illogical… but it’s still a fear and I just can’t shake it. I mean, it’s kind of like how you could tell someone that a certain snake was harmless and go to great lengths to prove it but they would still be afraid of it…
I was hardly teased as a kid and to this day people don’t usually SAY mean things to me or criticize me… Mostly I just worry that people THINK those things. Also I guess I have often felt that people don’t like me because they ignore me… It actually didn’t occur to me that I was just as guilty of “ignoring them” (because I was scared of them) until I was in my senior year of highschool… I always thought they didn’t talk to me because they thought I was a dork and they were “too good for me” or whatever… But even after realizing my responsibility in it I was still too afraid to initiate relationships… Because without them initiating it there’s just no way to KNOW that they really want anything to do with me… Even in college I was never good at making friends. The worst was when I lived in the dorm. We were required to pay tons of money for the meal plan but I hated eating in the cafeteria because I never fit in at all and I always ate by myself… Then if people tried to join me I would be scared of them. Finally I just couldn’t handle the anxiety anymore so after 2 months of that I started walking to the grocery store and buying food to keep in my room because I was too embarrassed to eat in there… Even though I was totally broke and I was still paying for the cafeteria food too
In terms of REAL criticism, things I have heard people say about me… at work, from a teacher who I used to be on the same team with, “I once worked with a teacher who likely had an attachment disorder” (went on to describe me and how I don’t form relationships with other staff/communicate things to people… I’m sure everyone knew it was me)... "You know, she doesn’t like to ask for help with things" (then we go to a training a week later saying how people with low self esteem don’t ask for help and I feel sure everyone is thinking of me)… Or people will say things about KIDS being too calm or too quiet or whatever and that something is just “not quite right” with them and since I’m the same way I’ll think, if they think that about that child they must think it about me, too. Or an aunt recently said of my neice, “I was actually really impressed my her… I expected her to be more… quiet… but she really wasn’t!” –which I then take and think, oh, so she thinks low of people who are quiet… Like me. Mostly I don’t hear people say things as much as I feel sure they are saying things behind my back or thinking things… Or like my MIL recently said to my DH that she didn’t understand why I am still so shy and nervous around them when I have known them for so long. I really TRY not to be nervous and shy around her but I know I am, but it makes me feel worse that she notices. So the stupid thing about all of this is, mainly people are judging me for being paranoid that they are judging me… and so maybe if I could stop being paranoid they wouldn’t judge me… But I can’t help it
I do feel ugly a lot, too… I don't really want to say why on here... Mostly I think people probably don’t care. I mean, it’s not like I pick other people apart like I pick apart myself, so they probably don’t do it to me, either… Logically I know that… but sometimes I worry that people are thinking, why did my DH settle for me, or that they will know that I have sex because I’m married and have a kid and they will be grossed out by that.
Realistically though probably people don’t really care but I still get paranoid that they do.I also feel stupid because when I'm having conversations with people my mind is so slow and I stumble all over when I talk and get confused easily and stuff... So then I feel like everyone else is way smarter than me... Although I graduated suma cum laud so if I'm as dumb as I feel I shouldn't have managed that... But I guess I'm situationally stupid or something
Like when we have meetings at work everyone else has so much to say and they are all so articulate and I just sit there and think, how do they even come up with this stuff?!? My mind just feels so blank.I also think that something about me is just DIFFERENT than other people and that alone could give them reason to not like me. I don’t know what I would do without the internet… As much as it’s an unhealthy addiction in some ways, it’s the only way I can really connect with people...
