Steppen-Wolf
Well-known member
I'm a proud man, always been, most likely always will be.
But in this point of my life I'm forced to admit something, I've become truly desperate.
I've become better at dealing with social situations, a lot better than a few years back at least, I can talk, laugh and be playful with people from my class almost without being awkard at all, and yet it is all just a mask as I feel totally and completely isolated...
Not a single true friend, never had one, or a true girlfriend or even a kiss, just a life of senseless isolation.
Worst of all, I feel nothing but disdain for my country, people and culture. Everything that I'm supposed to be, think and do as a colombian goes very much against who I really am. I've always felt like a total foreigner in my own country, like an isolated immigrant trapped in a culture I don't understand except there is no "home" for me to go back to.
A few years back I discovered the social aspect of the Internet, and it was life changing for me... I could meet people from all over the world, people more like me, people who didn't only cared about being the coolest, going to party every night or that stupid ghetto culture. Somehow, I felt closer to that "home" even if I hadn't moved one meter. I made friends on the web, even a few really wonderful girls (the kind of girl that I felt would have never even notice me) started to like me, even tough I never lied about myself, my life or my situation in any way.
I started feeling that maybe... Maybe I really wasn't such a loser, such a human waste, maybe what I had always told myself, that I was special and the other people just didn't knew how valuable I was, was true. Maybe, just maybe.
But things have changed over the years, while I've overcome certain aspects of my SA, my online "social life" has all but evaporated. I'm lonely as hell and I just can't pretend otherwise anymore... I want attention, to be noticed, to feel that I belong somewhere, with someone and I'm willing to do anything to achieve this, but I just don't see how...
Now I've become somewhat addicted to using the PC, as it allows to shut down my mind, focus on anything -games, music, news, forums, anything- so I can't avoid those crippling feelings. But I don't want to be an addict to anything, I want to be healthy, I'm smart and I know that I'm only hurting myself, but stepping away from this online world... I've tried, it just makes me feel even more alone, more disconnected from the world and humanity.
Right now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, as I can't find any meaningful social bond among "my people", I lost almost all of my Internet friends and want to do something better with my life other than being on the computer, but I'm crippled by my feelings of isolation.
Still, I know myself, I'll never give up, I'll keep trying every single day of my life, looking for some solution, for a better life. But I'm confused, tired and scared as hell... I keep hoping there is someone over the hill, someone who will make it all better, someone who will help me, but deep inside of me I know life doesn't work like that, that's my responsability and mine alone.
Thank you to anyone that bothered reading, just needed to vent out.
PD: It really makes you feel vulnerable to tell so much about yourself for anyone to see. Still, it feels a lot better than just keeping it all bottled up inside.
But in this point of my life I'm forced to admit something, I've become truly desperate.
I've become better at dealing with social situations, a lot better than a few years back at least, I can talk, laugh and be playful with people from my class almost without being awkard at all, and yet it is all just a mask as I feel totally and completely isolated...
Not a single true friend, never had one, or a true girlfriend or even a kiss, just a life of senseless isolation.
Worst of all, I feel nothing but disdain for my country, people and culture. Everything that I'm supposed to be, think and do as a colombian goes very much against who I really am. I've always felt like a total foreigner in my own country, like an isolated immigrant trapped in a culture I don't understand except there is no "home" for me to go back to.
A few years back I discovered the social aspect of the Internet, and it was life changing for me... I could meet people from all over the world, people more like me, people who didn't only cared about being the coolest, going to party every night or that stupid ghetto culture. Somehow, I felt closer to that "home" even if I hadn't moved one meter. I made friends on the web, even a few really wonderful girls (the kind of girl that I felt would have never even notice me) started to like me, even tough I never lied about myself, my life or my situation in any way.
I started feeling that maybe... Maybe I really wasn't such a loser, such a human waste, maybe what I had always told myself, that I was special and the other people just didn't knew how valuable I was, was true. Maybe, just maybe.
But things have changed over the years, while I've overcome certain aspects of my SA, my online "social life" has all but evaporated. I'm lonely as hell and I just can't pretend otherwise anymore... I want attention, to be noticed, to feel that I belong somewhere, with someone and I'm willing to do anything to achieve this, but I just don't see how...
Now I've become somewhat addicted to using the PC, as it allows to shut down my mind, focus on anything -games, music, news, forums, anything- so I can't avoid those crippling feelings. But I don't want to be an addict to anything, I want to be healthy, I'm smart and I know that I'm only hurting myself, but stepping away from this online world... I've tried, it just makes me feel even more alone, more disconnected from the world and humanity.
Right now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, as I can't find any meaningful social bond among "my people", I lost almost all of my Internet friends and want to do something better with my life other than being on the computer, but I'm crippled by my feelings of isolation.
Still, I know myself, I'll never give up, I'll keep trying every single day of my life, looking for some solution, for a better life. But I'm confused, tired and scared as hell... I keep hoping there is someone over the hill, someone who will make it all better, someone who will help me, but deep inside of me I know life doesn't work like that, that's my responsability and mine alone.
Thank you to anyone that bothered reading, just needed to vent out.
PD: It really makes you feel vulnerable to tell so much about yourself for anyone to see. Still, it feels a lot better than just keeping it all bottled up inside.
