LonerSx
Member
I am a new member to this site.
I always thought that I was alone in this world fighting with my problems day in and day out. I always thought that this problem will end only with my death. I had no one to look forward to. This problem of social anxeity has changed my life forever for worst. But thanks to this forum....I can see some glimer of hope. I am happy that there are other people also who are fighting hard not only to understand this problem correctly but also in arriving at a solution to it. I can see a silver lining now.
My problem of SA has everything to do with my eye or rather look. I CANNOT LOOK ANY ONE STRAIGHT IN HIS EYES. And if "he" happens to be a "she" then I had it. I don't know what happens, I freeze, cannot move, cannot react, cannot respond, cannot blink, cannot think, cannot do nothing. I don't know what happens to me. Time just freezes. In case of female confrontation I am particularly afraid that becasue of my inability to have eye contact the girl will misunderstand that I am trying to stare at her private parts and will immdiately raise an alarm. And then the public will beat me up for this unsocial behaviour. This fear has so much settled inside me that if there is a girl in any given place, I avoid to go to that place altogether. In office also if a female comes to talk to me I just rush out of that place to avoid any confrontation.
The problem of inability to make eye contact is true in case of both male/female confrontation. But in case of female confrontation the results are more severe.
I was never like this. I used to address a crowd of more than 800 people standing on the stage. I have myself conducted so many stage shows and cultural events during my teenage life. I have particiapted in dramas, dance competitions, singing competitions and even won prizes.
But since I have struck with adulthood all that confidence all that spark has gone. Today I am afraid of every tom dick and harry. I am afraid that every passerby will come to know that I seriously lack confidence, that I lack ability to make eye contact. I am afraid that i will make silly mistake in front of a crowd and then they will make me a center of laughing stock evertime. I will be branded as "Silly" "foolish" "idiot" "stupid" "good for nothing" by everone. This thought makes me weak inside. I am afraid of confronting every one even my parents, brothers, bosses, collegues, neighbours. I have lost all my friends ad now I lead a alonely "closed door" life. I am afraid that even my parents will label me as "unreliable" "lazy" without understanding the problem. The problem has grown so severe that I cannot see eye to eye even with my mother/sister and the same fear lurks me as with other females. This has made me very very sad and lonely.
Whenever I go out I wish I should not meet anyone. While working in office I try back breakingly hard not to make any silly mistakes and not to spoil relations with anyone. In order to avoid confrontation with people, I have even left my country and currently I am staying and working in a different country with very very less population where no one knows me. During holidays in order to avoid confrontation with people I do not go out of my room and sleep for straight 36 hours. Confrontation with people in office is itself so stressing that after office hour I just rush back to my room and lock myself inside. This has been going on since about 6 years now.
Suicide comes to my mind again and again, but the thought of my parents getting stranded on the road after my death pulls me back. I had made up my mind that the day my parents pass out I will also commit suicide. Since I will never marry no body will loose anything if I die. So killing myself will be end to my life long ordeal.
Eye contact - a killer problem
Hope this forum has got any help for me.
I always thought that I was alone in this world fighting with my problems day in and day out. I always thought that this problem will end only with my death. I had no one to look forward to. This problem of social anxeity has changed my life forever for worst. But thanks to this forum....I can see some glimer of hope. I am happy that there are other people also who are fighting hard not only to understand this problem correctly but also in arriving at a solution to it. I can see a silver lining now.
My problem of SA has everything to do with my eye or rather look. I CANNOT LOOK ANY ONE STRAIGHT IN HIS EYES. And if "he" happens to be a "she" then I had it. I don't know what happens, I freeze, cannot move, cannot react, cannot respond, cannot blink, cannot think, cannot do nothing. I don't know what happens to me. Time just freezes. In case of female confrontation I am particularly afraid that becasue of my inability to have eye contact the girl will misunderstand that I am trying to stare at her private parts and will immdiately raise an alarm. And then the public will beat me up for this unsocial behaviour. This fear has so much settled inside me that if there is a girl in any given place, I avoid to go to that place altogether. In office also if a female comes to talk to me I just rush out of that place to avoid any confrontation.
The problem of inability to make eye contact is true in case of both male/female confrontation. But in case of female confrontation the results are more severe.
I was never like this. I used to address a crowd of more than 800 people standing on the stage. I have myself conducted so many stage shows and cultural events during my teenage life. I have particiapted in dramas, dance competitions, singing competitions and even won prizes.
But since I have struck with adulthood all that confidence all that spark has gone. Today I am afraid of every tom dick and harry. I am afraid that every passerby will come to know that I seriously lack confidence, that I lack ability to make eye contact. I am afraid that i will make silly mistake in front of a crowd and then they will make me a center of laughing stock evertime. I will be branded as "Silly" "foolish" "idiot" "stupid" "good for nothing" by everone. This thought makes me weak inside. I am afraid of confronting every one even my parents, brothers, bosses, collegues, neighbours. I have lost all my friends ad now I lead a alonely "closed door" life. I am afraid that even my parents will label me as "unreliable" "lazy" without understanding the problem. The problem has grown so severe that I cannot see eye to eye even with my mother/sister and the same fear lurks me as with other females. This has made me very very sad and lonely.
Whenever I go out I wish I should not meet anyone. While working in office I try back breakingly hard not to make any silly mistakes and not to spoil relations with anyone. In order to avoid confrontation with people, I have even left my country and currently I am staying and working in a different country with very very less population where no one knows me. During holidays in order to avoid confrontation with people I do not go out of my room and sleep for straight 36 hours. Confrontation with people in office is itself so stressing that after office hour I just rush back to my room and lock myself inside. This has been going on since about 6 years now.
Suicide comes to my mind again and again, but the thought of my parents getting stranded on the road after my death pulls me back. I had made up my mind that the day my parents pass out I will also commit suicide. Since I will never marry no body will loose anything if I die. So killing myself will be end to my life long ordeal.
Eye contact - a killer problem
Hope this forum has got any help for me.