Eye contact - a killer problem

[LonerSx]

I am a new member to this site.

I always thought that I was alone in this world fighting with my problems day in and day out. I always thought that this problem will end only with my death. I had no one to look forward to. This problem of social anxeity has changed my life forever for worst. But thanks to this forum....I can see some glimer of hope. I am happy that there are other people also who are fighting hard not only to understand this problem correctly but also in arriving at a solution to it. I can see a silver lining now.

My problem of SA has everything to do with my eye or rather look. I CANNOT LOOK ANY ONE STRAIGHT IN HIS EYES. And if "he" happens to be a "she" then I had it. I don't know what happens, I freeze, cannot move, cannot react, cannot respond, cannot blink, cannot think, cannot do nothing. I don't know what happens to me. Time just freezes. In case of female confrontation I am particularly afraid that becasue of my inability to have eye contact the girl will misunderstand that I am trying to stare at her private parts and will immdiately raise an alarm. And then the public will beat me up for this unsocial behaviour. This fear has so much settled inside me that if there is a girl in any given place, I avoid to go to that place altogether. In office also if a female comes to talk to me I just rush out of that place to avoid any confrontation.

The problem of inability to make eye contact is true in case of both male/female confrontation. But in case of female confrontation the results are more severe.

I was never like this. I used to address a crowd of more than 800 people standing on the stage. I have myself conducted so many stage shows and cultural events during my teenage life. I have particiapted in dramas, dance competitions, singing competitions and even won prizes.

But since I have struck with adulthood all that confidence all that spark has gone. Today I am afraid of every tom dick and harry. I am afraid that every passerby will come to know that I seriously lack confidence, that I lack ability to make eye contact. I am afraid that i will make silly mistake in front of a crowd and then they will make me a center of laughing stock evertime. I will be branded as "Silly" "foolish" "idiot" "stupid" "good for nothing" by everone. This thought makes me weak inside. I am afraid of confronting every one even my parents, brothers, bosses, collegues, neighbours. I have lost all my friends ad now I lead a alonely "closed door" life. I am afraid that even my parents will label me as "unreliable" "lazy" without understanding the problem. The problem has grown so severe that I cannot see eye to eye even with my mother/sister and the same fear lurks me as with other females. This has made me very very sad and lonely.

Whenever I go out I wish I should not meet anyone. While working in office I try back breakingly hard not to make any silly mistakes and not to spoil relations with anyone. In order to avoid confrontation with people, I have even left my country and currently I am staying and working in a different country with very very less population where no one knows me. During holidays in order to avoid confrontation with people I do not go out of my room and sleep for straight 36 hours. Confrontation with people in office is itself so stressing that after office hour I just rush back to my room and lock myself inside. This has been going on since about 6 years now.

Suicide comes to my mind again and again, but the thought of my parents getting stranded on the road after my death pulls me back. I had made up my mind that the day my parents pass out I will also commit suicide. Since I will never marry no body will loose anything if I die. So killing myself will be end to my life long ordeal.

Eye contact - a killer problem

Hope this forum has got any help for me.

 

[Revolver123]

I know how you feel man. I have a problem with eye contact too, although not as severe. I can look a person in the eye for a few seconds at at time, before feeling too shy and nervous and I end up looking away. Does a sense of nervousness overcome you when you talk to others? I know I get very sweaty and start shaking (mildly and barely noticeable when with a man, noticeable with a female, even had some point it out to me.)

I wish I could offer you advice as to how to deal with this problem, but I don't since I go through the same thing.

 

[karinatwork]

Hi there!

I wish I could help you. I don't really know what you're going through, and therefore I don't have advice for you. Maybe it helps when I tell you that I'm feeling for you, and that if I should ever notice anyone not being able to look me in the eye, I wouldn't think any less of them... on the contrary, I sometimes think it can be annoying if people keep staring you in the face while you talk to them.
So don't get frustrated. I think a lot of people have the same problem. Maybe next time you want to focus on the forehead, or the nose or the mouth? Would that help? Just an idea...

All the best.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

Hi there, you're in the right place and welcome! i'm sorry to hear your story, unfortunately you're in the right place. ican't give you too much advice, only support, plenty of support! suicide is not a way out and please don't give up.

i'm a chick and have never thought a man was eyeballin me when he was actually just looking down. usually there's a big difference and i seriously doubt that any woman took your shyness the wrong way. i don't know if that's of any comfort but i can pretty much assure you that you shouldn't have to worry about a chick taking it the wrong way (then again phobias are irrational anyway, i know that i'm already telling you somehting you already know but i hope it puts your mind at ease anyway).

have you seen a doctor about this? you really sound like a case of SA and there are meds that can really make a difference in your life. i hope things turn up for you, believe it or not, but you do have better days ahead of you. take things one day at a time. figure out what's holding you back (exactly) and think it through - how rational are your fears? i don't mean that in a belittling way but if you try and put forth a litle confidence in your self you can go far. do you know why you've started feeling this way after all those years of being *ok*? i really suggest you see a doctor and good luck to you.

 

[ScaredGirl]

Dear LonerSx,

Wow, there's so much in your message, it touched my heart.

All I can do is give my own personal experience so here goes... My main hurdle to developing eye-contact was recognizing WHY I was that way. For me it was not a genetic personality trait but rather a learned behavior. In my family, if I looked my father in the eyes he took it as a sign of aggression then would verbally attack me with descriptions of how he could crush my eyes into my brain, pluck them out...etc..... So, ya, I learned to keep my eyes lowered and looking up terrified me right to the bone well into adulthood.

Changing the behavior took some work. First I practiced on the cat and any other animal I came in contact with - sounds crazy but it worked. Then when I felt confident enough, I practiced on strangers who I knew had to be nice to me (store clerks) and EVENTUALLY it got so I could look up.

Then I expanded my list but added a mantra of storts, I tried to change my inner fear that people would hurt me if I looked at them by reminding myself over and over and over again, 99% of people only want to have a happy exchange of eye contact - if I would let them.

Now I won't lie to you, I still have problems making friends (that's why I am here), but yes I can make eyecontact easily now.

Take care for now,

SG

 

[Tim001]

I try really hard to make eye contact with people. I think what terrifies me about the whole thing is that all of a sudden you are "on". They are expecting a friendly, warm look from you, maybe a smile, (that's what humans do) not a blank, frightened, or really serious look. That is why you simply can't make eye contact just for the sake of making eye contact. There is more to it than that. You must have the right expression on your face; otherwise it may be taken the wrong way.

 

[missy]

i understand you completly..i cannot make eye contact at all..i remember about a couple months ago i came home to my house surrounded by cops bcuz of my dad and they woodnt let me go in the house and i just flipped i dint know whatt was going on or anything..well anyways that has nothing to do with but after all that and i was cuffed and a cop was trying to talk to me and explain what was going on and whatnot and he was like can you look me in the eye when im talking to you and i dint kno what to say i was just like i cant..i dunno i just cant. and tonight i went with my dad to this country club place for his work with a free buffet..haha and everyone was introducing themselves to me. omy god it was awful i absolutly did not want to go but i felt bad if i dint go with him he'd have to go alone so i forced myself..but i geuss it was kinda good..i actually got out of the house and talked a little bit to one of his friends.

 

[LonerSx]

Does a sense of nervousness overcome you when you talk to others?


Yes, I become too nervous and i have almost fogotten the last time I had ever spoken to anyone without getting shaky

 

[LonerSx]

Maybe next time you want to focus on the forehead, or the nose or the mouth? Would that help? Just an idea...

All the best.

Thanks for your advise. But I can't say that I haven't tried that. I have tried focusing on nose particularly when I am with my boss in office. But lately I have noticed that he becomes very uncomfortable with my stare at his nose. May be he might have realized my shyness and my inability to withstand confrontation. This, Iam afraid, will take toll on my job, he might stop giving me assigments thinking that I am unfit and I will loose out to my colleagues.........as usual.

May be thats my fate afterall.

But thanks for your advice anyway.

 

[nicola_maire]

yo man, sounds to me like you have avoident personality, not sp, i might be mistaken, but sounds like it, ive got mild AvPD, same as sp, apart from its more mental, than physical. not to be alarmed, a disorder, is an disorder, right?

 

[JCH]

Re

Dear LonerSX,

Like you, I am a new member to this forum too, but not a new member to intense social uneasiness. After reading your story, I can completely understand and relate to how you feel. I was once entirely like you too about two years ago. I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone, boy or girl, authority or non-authority figure. I was extremely unhappy because the only people I could talk to in this great world were my own mother and brother. Nevertheless, now I am much better comparing to then, so you must absolutely believe that your challenge is conquerable. I would like to give you some ideas that hopefully will help you and give you new perspectives.

From the second you meet your eyes with whoever (let’s say this is X), to the next second you feel intensely uneasy (this is Y), your subconscious mind probably has already gone through evaluating hundreds of beliefs regardless their validity during this one second. Then, in turn it has concluded that (X) will place you in danger; therefore, order your body to return situation (Y) to protect you. Let me give you an example, when you are crossing a road and seeing a bus running toward you rapidly (this is X), you will automatically, without any thinking, quickly run away from the bus (this is Y). In between X and Y, your subconscious mind went through many beliefs beyond your awareness in very little time in order to ensure your survival. In this particular case, your belief that bus running over you will kill you holds true. Nevertheless, being scared of human interaction including eye contacts is unreasonable in my opinion; therefore, we need to fix the underlying beliefs, which are false and distorted, in between the X and Y.

The following distorted beliefs are based on my past experience:

1. Mind-reading:
Eg. “People are evaluating me whenever I interact with them.”
“That guy/girl must think I am a loser.”

2. Catastroph-izing:
Eg. “It would be unbearable for me to interact with people because I sweat, blush and tremble.”
“My friendship with the girl will end if I date her because I am incompetent.”

3. Should:
Eg. “I expect myself to be a very confident person. I should be good at social intereaction.”
“I expect myself to be popular. I should always be centre of attention.”

Anyway, above are some examples of my own distorted beliefs that were holding me back before I even interact with people. In order to overcome the fear, you must pull them out one by one and analyze them critically and carefully. Let’s take the mind-reading belief “People are evaluating me whenever I interact with them.” as an example.

Analysis process goes like this:

Step One: Detect your Emotion and Thought.

“I feel ANXIOUS because PEOPLE JUDGE/EVALUATE me when I interact with them.”

Step Two: Role-play

Pretend the above statement comes from your brother/sister or best friend and you are there to help him or her. In my case, I take it as if my brother has this problem. (I can’t do the analysis if I treat it as my problem because 1. there will be potential bias 2. that’s just how freaking shy I am to talk about my own problem!)

Step Three: Analytical Question.

No. 1 Authenticity
I would start questioning my brother (played by me of course) like this:
Q: “You said people judge you. Do you have any specific evidence that proves your belief were true?”

I would answer.
A: “Yes, I just know when I see their eyes. I could feel it.”
Q: “You can feel it. Good. Is there any specific evidence that proves what you feel were true?”

My point is keep questioning the authenticity of your thought. Get to the bottom of it. You will start seeing how non-sense some of your underlying thought are.

No. 2 Exposure to the worst scenario
Q: “So, even if they really judge you when you make eye contacts, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”
A: “I will blush and tremble. It will be unbearable.”
Q: “Ok you feel severely uneasy, what’s the next worst thing that could happen?”
A: “They will not accept me. Our friendship will end.”
Q: “OK they don’t accept you and even worst they laugh at you, what’s the next worst thing that could happen?”
A: “I will be disgraceful and I might go kill myself.”

My point is to keep questioning yourself on “what’s the worst that could happen? Even if the worst happen, what’s the next worst thing that could happen?” This will too help you to see the absurdity of your overstated beliefs.

Conclusion:
This is one approach I do to balance out my uneasiness before I interact with people. In your case, question yourself “what’s the worst that could happen when you meet eyes with people” and keep going at it. In the end, tell yourself “Good job brother! You have been exposed to every possible worst situation a human can ever encounter when making eye contact. You are unbreakable now. Go on and lay your sexy eyes on them ladies! Wink wink!”

Luck,
Chao-yu

 

[Faded]

Eye contact

Im sorry 2 hear tht LOnerSx!
But u gotta be glad tht u're not the only one facing this !

I have loadz of difficulties eye contacting a person ..

I was told 2 look at the person by staring at the part between his eyebrows,I tried tht but i got myself with the Thinking Machine working ..
* Im just silly staring tht Way * .. Well before tht i cudnt even stare a sec. n' its horrible! .. I tried 2 stare at an object ahead of the person , i tried 2 look like im listening . . but i felt tht this person thinks im being stubborn and ignoring or acting like a freak .. i was totally acting stupid!

 

[Nightshade]

I don't like eye contact too much. I find it weird and intimidating. All I ever do is glance and if I'm looking at someone's face directly I'm probably looking at their mouth. But people haven't complained (or not since I've been an adult).

Remember there are cultural differences in what is appropriate for eye contact. Some cultures consider too much eye contact disrespectful and that it is polite to lower your eyes when speaking to someone.

Perhaps thinking about the fact that there isn't such a clearcut "right" and "wrong" way to make eye contact would help make you feel better about it. It has helped me.

 

[tanhopeful]

It feels so good to know that Im not the only one facing this problem. My eye contact is so baad that often times I am mistaken to be GAY......This really buggs me out considering I am far from it. My biggest problem is when talking to someone I can make the initial eye contact and then I always look down or maybe even roll my eyes with the feeling of tension or thinking I look stupid attempting to look at them so long 8O. I've come to believe its a self conscious problem that I'm working so hard to try and fix! Good Luck to You all and me too!

 

[stormygrey]

I know exactly how you feel. I have the same problem, except for me I'm female, so it's the other way round, i can't eye contact with males (even females, but its worse with males). Lately (I mean the past 3 years) whenever I try, its like the surroundings just spin around and you're stuck looking at the person's face, unable to do anything and can't follow whatever is going on... you just wanna run away... often I've seen in the other person's eyes, a strange expression, like they're thinking i've gone crazy or something... pretty freaky. and yeah it has been happening with my family members lately, too.

 

[Jack-B]

All,

No-one sees you in the way you think.

You are a cinema screen for others to project their image of you onto.

A mirror.

Why?

Because all anyone sees is what appears to their mind. The piercing gaze of someone else induces "they see me", which makes you feel on show in bright lights, centre stage. And you feel they see you inside out. When all they really see is whatever is going on in their mind, projected from their mind like a cinema projector.

No-one has ever really seen you. They relate to their projected version of you.

Try this.......

Your NOSE, for example, is always in the line of vision yet you hardly notice it, because it doesnt vividly appear to your mind, yet it is always there.

So, when others look at you they dont see their nose, they see what appears to their mind. You are like their nose, always there yet invisible.
Not invisible in the fact that you are being ignored. Invisible in the fact that they see what their mind wants to see.

When they look at you, they may see tall, short, ugly, beutiful, fat, skinny, old, young, funny, boring, smart or dumb. What people see belongs to their world. When their eyes meet yours, they are projecting their world onto you, like you are their screen.

Next time you look at someone, remember their nose is invisible to them, just like you.

Jack

 

[Quixote]

I used to have this problem back in my childhood and early highschool years. I still have all SA typical problems, but I did manage to solve this one, just by practicing systematically.

You can try like this, in a conversation:
-While you are listening to the other person, and as you process your answer, look to some object in the room, or the landscape, or anything to the right or left, as if something is just catching you attention. Instead of staring down to the ground, force yoursef to look around at your surroundings, which looks much more natural but still allows you to avoid eye contact and be able to pay attention and work out an answer.

- When it is your turn to talk, once you have worked out your answer, and only then (otherwise it will interfere with your thinking), look briefly in the person's eyes and express yourself. It will take a few seconds only and then you can revert back to the "contemplation of surroundings" mode

If you practice it a bit it will help you slowly desensitize, as it did for me, believe me it does work. Good luck with it.

 

[jasonkidd]

i've had trouble making eye contract for the longest time. recently i've tried just looking at the white part of ppl's eyes and that has helped a little

 

[Vincent]

progress

Maybe you could practice with picture or photos of eyes, then progress to making eye contact with yourself in the mirror. I have trouble doing that myself, making eye contact with myself.

My problem is that I lock eyes with people too easily. Staring or avoiding eyes, one or the other. Its really difficult with teaching too. I can't make my eyes natural and I see student's reaction to that.

 

[Predacon]

Eye contact is difficult, when someone talks I want to look like I'm interested, but I keep thinking if I stare them straight in the eyes that they'll think I'm trying pysch them out or something, its worse if its woman I'm talking to. I read in a book that you should try looking at thier mouth as they talk, I've tried it a few times but it doesn't feel right either.