er.. hello..

[starshaped]

hello. i dunno how to properly introduce myself so here goes...

this is me trying to say hello. i've been trying to say hello for the past hour. whenever i'd write something down i'd sit here staring at the screen or delete it and go somewhere else. i never know what to say about myself. but anyway.. i'm ally. i'm almost 20 and i'm from canada. i have little to almost no irl friends whatsoever because i have horrible trust issues and i'm constantly trying to push people away.

i wasn't always like this. it started maybe about late '07/early '08. i used to be "normal".. or whatever normal really is. it's almost as if i woke up one day and all of a sudden became scared and closed off from everyone else. and i can't even figure out why. i think maybe it has something to do with my father.. he has a mental disorder called neurosis and pretty much mentally and emotionally abuses us without even realising. or maybe i'm just afraid of being analysed or figured out.. even though i don't have anything interesting to hide.

whatever it is, it's who i am and i'm afraid it's who i will be for the rest of my life. i guess some random facts about me are..

- i'm very quiet, cold, and closed off in the beginning until i get to know you better/become comfortable with you.. but online is a completely different story
- i think more than i speak.. i can definitely go a day or more without saying as little as "boo"
- i don't like being in public whatsoever.. i used to always care what other people thought about me.. and i'd be lying if i said i didn't care anymore (which i tend to tell people/tell myself i don't care) but i don't care as much as i used to which is great
- whenever i'm in public i become super tense.. i always look down to the ground when i walk and i always panic when i'm around a handful of people.. but i'm fine around one or two people
- i both love and hate attention.. if i feel ignored i delete accounts on websites (fb, tumblr, twitter ect.) but if i get a lot of attention i get annoyed and angry
- i'm a scorpio if it helps.. and i'm strangely proud to be one
- music is my life.. music is the only thing i can fully trust and turn to in life.. my favourite band is blur (i wouldn't be surprised if you never heard of them) and i'm abnormally serious about them for some reason.. i can't even do as little as playfully pick on them with other fans/talk to other fans because of respect issues (i can never fit in with other fans)
- in school i was completely on my own.. i had the odd friend here and there but never any real best friends.. and ironically the people i WAS friends with i don't even see or talk to anymore
- again, in school, i never got invited to anything and i never went to any school dances/prom.. i spent the majority of my breaks in the library listening to my ipod
- i always felt like i was on my own level.. unable to fit in with any particular group or clique.. not even the "nerds" or "geeks".. i always felt older mind wise than what i really am age wise
- i basically grew up with music.. maybe that's why i'm all alone

sorry this is so long.. but i just wanted to say hello and to properly introduce myself so you'd get an idea of who i am and what i'm like rather than seeing me as this random person who replies to posts here and there. i found this place last night while searching "why do i keep pushing people away" on google. i still never found my answer.. but i'm really glad i found this place. i only ever been on one forum.. the blur one.. and that place is just pure evil. so i hope i'm happy here and am able to make a new friend or two. you're all really nice so far

 

[MollyBeGood]

Hi starshaped

 

[Prestonator]

Hi Ally

I can also relate in some ways to how you're feeling. Until recently my SA could have lead to a point that I would start to lose people, but I realised just how it my SA was affecting me and the people around me so I decided I wanted to change. I'm only 19, similar age to you and well I felt I couldn't go on the way I had done any more.

Maybe you have felt that the only way to cope is through music? That maybe in a way music keeps you company. I like to listen and play music myself; I find it helps me to relax at times of highest anxiety.

I don't know whether this is the same for you? But anyhow, don't feel like you can't talk to anyone. There are lots of good forums on this site which might help you.

 

[starshaped]

Hi Ally

I can also relate in some ways to how you're feeling. Until recently my SA could have lead to a point that I would start to lose people, but I realised just how it my SA was affecting me and the people around me so I decided I wanted to change. I'm only 19, similar age to you and well I felt I couldn't go on the way I had done any more.

Maybe you have felt that the only way to cope is through music? That maybe in a way music keeps you company. I like to listen and play music myself; I find it helps me to relax at times of highest anxiety.

I don't know whether this is the same for you? But anyhow, don't feel like you can't talk to anyone. There are lots of good forums on this site which might help you.

hello! that's definitely how i feel. music is the one and only thing that will truly help. i don't wanna turn to people, just music. and it's great company! to just get lost in a song or two.. forgetting about everything around you and everything that's going on in your life.

 

[Prestonator]

hello! that's definitely how i feel. music is the one and only thing that will truly help. i don't wanna turn to people, just music. and it's great company! to just get lost in a song or two.. forgetting about everything around you and everything that's going on in your life.

yes the same for me. I usually though play my piano to relax me as I find I can get lost in my own thoughts and feel a lot less anxious. Only certain types of music I find works to relax me.

You should maybe try to talk to someone who is close to you about how you feel, see if they understand you. I had always hidden my true anxiety from people, until I got a boyfriend and he was able to see straight through it. I sometimes feel that talking to people helps my anxiety, in a way that it distracts me from my anxious thoughts, helping to make me feel more relaxed. Have you ever tried this??