Doomed to shame?

[persona]

Deleted...

 

[Krista]

I've been thinking about this and I realize all my pain and issues come down to shame and being ashamed.

There's past shame, moments of being ridiculed and making myself ridiculous that I remember and they have become almost like traumas. I try to push those memories away, but they come to my mind when I'm trying to go outside the house and into those situations where the shame happened.

Then there's present shame. Even if I'm not being ridiculed, I'm ashamed just being me. I'm ashamed of being unemployed, lazy, fat, ugly, unintelligent etc. I'm ashamed for just existing and taking space and oxygen.

Last one is future shame and the fear of it. I know I can't shelter myself from shameful experiences. I'm very absent minded and awkward person so I make a fool of myself often. So I just stay away from people. Then nobody sees me when it happens. Even if I'm alone, I still feel shame for doing stupid things.

Shame is easily the most familiar feeling to me. I don't know where it started, I've felt it for as long as I can remember. I was pretty mean and ugly kid so my parents used to compare me to my friends who were all pretty and popular and good girls.

I can't think of a way to stop feeling like this. Even if I could erase my memories, the moment I would do something stupid, the shame would come back. It makes me wish I was dead or at least invisible or rich enough to become a complete hermit :/ . Most of my friendships have ended because I make a fool of myself in front of them and just lose my face and can't spend time with them.

Maybe I should just buy a clown suit and accept that I can never change this thing. Then at least maybe people would think I do the dumb stuff intentionally.

I can't say that I've had this severe an issue about being shameful but I do understand what you're saying. I hate making errors in front of others because I feel completely stupid when I do. I'm afraid they're constantly thinking that I'm dumb. I'm the worst with this on typos...I hate missing a typo that I wrote. Especially talking with my boyfriend.

But I can say that I've read posts by you and you seem like a great person and I've found no fault in you dear

 

[Kat]

I'm not sure what we are doomed with all we can work with is what we do know! Sp is the beast we know. How do we deal with it? SP is somewhat predictable circumstances may change but how it makes us think and feel stays pretty much the same.

You have to stop the cycle kind of like teaching a puppy not to pee on the carpet but instead of using water to spray it with you use positive reinforcement every time you tell yourself something negative.

Iknow for one thing you have a good head on your shoulders and probably a lot of other positive stuff but that’s what you have to say every time you feel ashamed. And get into healthy mind habits.

I think you do need a certain amount of positive feedback from external sources to feel good about yourself but ultimately you have to give yourself what others do no not.

It’s a lot of work but good people don’t deserve to feel like this try and think you are worth the effort.

 

[Johnny Monroe]

I've always felt that no matter what, everything is my fault and i feel like i should just not exist anymore, but then i convince myself to wait until morning to feel better. Whenever you can, surround yourself with people that don't make you feel awkward or sick. I know this is difficult, whenever i find someone i really enjoy being around with they end up disappearing whether to a boot camp or moving to morocco. All i can say is that you got to work hard to find your own little paradise, your own little utopia and try not to over analyze, i know its tough though, but everything will be okay.

 

[A_Void_Ant]

I've always felt that no matter what, everything is my fault and i feel like i should just not exist anymore, but then i convince myself to wait until morning to feel better. Whenever you can, surround yourself with people that don't make you feel awkward or sick. I know this is difficult, whenever i find someone i really enjoy being around with they end up disappearing whether to a boot camp or moving to morocco. All i can say is that you got to work hard to find your own little paradise, your own little utopia and try not to over analyze, i know its tough though, but everything will be okay.

I really like this advice, Johnny. I have to agree. I would also like to add that sometimes we HAVE to leave our comfort zones to do something (unfortunately).

 

[chained]

I read some of ur posts and they sounded intelligent and deep to me.. and I like ur user name a