I think everything that affects you now is a result of something in the past. Maybe not directly, but it may cause you to feel a certain way which leads to action and later feeling of regret or relapse.
At 22, may I blame my SA for being extremely obese before middle school? Or was it living in a totalitarian household with an extremist conservative christian for a father when realizing my growing affection for the same sex? During 7th grade my father having a stroke and losing several nuts and bolts in that brain of his? Or a year after his stroke being arrested and convicted for child molestation of a very close family friend's little girl? Or him going to prison and my mom burying herself in work and school while being left to fend for myself like I always had? Perhaps was it discovering drugs and alcohol I used to smother the feelings of abandonment and feeling unloved by anyone? Maybe the verbally abusive cheating bisexual boyfriend who hid/denied his heroin addiction and knocked up two of my friends?
Before middle school I was obese yet got into shape as middle school came along and I felt a change in both body and sexual awareness. My father lost his totalitarian madness and replaced it with senile insanity, thinking I was his brother David for six months. Worst of all these was the pedophelia that came out when I was in 9th grade. It was the worst because I grew up in a small town where my parents were big volunteers in the community, and as news broke of his crimes, we were treated differently overnight. To be 14 and treated like garbage daily by adults(teachers, police, community members, neighbors) let alone the kids of all ages? Ludicrous, right? Believe it.
I moved away from everything and set up near my sister, got a good job and flourished as a person. I'm fit, nice features, I take good care of myself, and am very outgoing, yet still have deep problems connecting. I think it borders misanthropy with how little interest I have in others, almost to the point where I have to force myself to like others. Medication like adderrall has helped me regulate and structure my life, yet I still feel this uncontrollable response when put in social situations. I get the sweaty palms, blank mind, racing heart, anxiety goes through the roof. My mind races a mile per minute and I crash and burn socially. I have tried to keep a journal in my wallet about how I feel in certain situations and I still can't make out what's causing it. No matter how good I feel or well I do, meeting new people and bridging the gap between stranger to friend and possibly even to partner becomes harder as I get older. I think that if I continue the same lonely nights I've had for the past six months with no one to open up to that will truly listen to me or my story, I'll end up a recluse forever or worse.
Positive thought equals positive nature, but what about when you can't seem to control it? God, how long do I have to drown with this problem's foot keeping my head under water? I'm just sick that I can't care for others and move forward from my troubling life. Help me, plz. I need good advice from others that feel the same or at least an honest ear.
At 22, may I blame my SA for being extremely obese before middle school? Or was it living in a totalitarian household with an extremist conservative christian for a father when realizing my growing affection for the same sex? During 7th grade my father having a stroke and losing several nuts and bolts in that brain of his? Or a year after his stroke being arrested and convicted for child molestation of a very close family friend's little girl? Or him going to prison and my mom burying herself in work and school while being left to fend for myself like I always had? Perhaps was it discovering drugs and alcohol I used to smother the feelings of abandonment and feeling unloved by anyone? Maybe the verbally abusive cheating bisexual boyfriend who hid/denied his heroin addiction and knocked up two of my friends?
Before middle school I was obese yet got into shape as middle school came along and I felt a change in both body and sexual awareness. My father lost his totalitarian madness and replaced it with senile insanity, thinking I was his brother David for six months. Worst of all these was the pedophelia that came out when I was in 9th grade. It was the worst because I grew up in a small town where my parents were big volunteers in the community, and as news broke of his crimes, we were treated differently overnight. To be 14 and treated like garbage daily by adults(teachers, police, community members, neighbors) let alone the kids of all ages? Ludicrous, right? Believe it.
I moved away from everything and set up near my sister, got a good job and flourished as a person. I'm fit, nice features, I take good care of myself, and am very outgoing, yet still have deep problems connecting. I think it borders misanthropy with how little interest I have in others, almost to the point where I have to force myself to like others. Medication like adderrall has helped me regulate and structure my life, yet I still feel this uncontrollable response when put in social situations. I get the sweaty palms, blank mind, racing heart, anxiety goes through the roof. My mind races a mile per minute and I crash and burn socially. I have tried to keep a journal in my wallet about how I feel in certain situations and I still can't make out what's causing it. No matter how good I feel or well I do, meeting new people and bridging the gap between stranger to friend and possibly even to partner becomes harder as I get older. I think that if I continue the same lonely nights I've had for the past six months with no one to open up to that will truly listen to me or my story, I'll end up a recluse forever or worse.
Positive thought equals positive nature, but what about when you can't seem to control it? God, how long do I have to drown with this problem's foot keeping my head under water? I'm just sick that I can't care for others and move forward from my troubling life. Help me, plz. I need good advice from others that feel the same or at least an honest ear.
