Doing "special" gestures for him to let him know i

[Dave_McFadden]

If he's in his late 30's and never had a gf, then he probably has no idea what it looks like when a woman is interested in him. And, if you look younger than you are, he might think you're a lot younger than he is. So, looking at things from his point of view, he's a (relatively) old guy who's never seen a lick of interest from a woman in his life, and suddenly this girl comes along who's young, sweet, AND attractive on top of all that, he could simply REFUSE to believe that you could possibly be interested in him in any way more than friendship.

He might be seeing the signs you're giving him, and may even get the idea that you like him, but he won't allow himself to believe his own senses, he will think it's a crazy idea. I'm not saying he doesn't return your interest because it sounds like he might. Just that he might think he's nuts for thinking it.


Right now he's probably saying things to himself like "She acts like she likes me, but she acts that way toward everyone. I heard her flirting with <male coworker> last week". Even if you don't act that way towards everyone, and your conversation with his male coworker last week wasn't flirting. Or, "she made me cookies, but she does that every year anyway, just for the holidays. Nothing to do with me. Plus, she does it for the entire staff as well". He will make up every excuse possible to explain your behavior as something other than interest.

This might be frustrating to you. Especially if you know he's capable of being funny and charming with others, but suddenly clams up when you're around.

Are you making cookies, giving hints, etc, in the hope that we will get comfortable with you and take the initiative and ask you out? Because then you might be waiting a long time. You might have to what bleach said, and suck it up and ask him out.

 

[ben12]

I agree wit angel of death, ive been in a situation similar before and what really worked was taking everything really slow. I think you should hold off on the card for a bit it might make him even more anxious the next time he sees you if he finds out you feel the same.
give him a friendly smile every time you see him and keep giving him little compliments all the time to ease him into talking to you.

 

[Angel_Of_Death]

TooShy,

Please keep us posted on your situation and keep posting. I personally wish with all my heart that you get the happy ending you're looking for.

 

[decadeOfSA]

The only way you are going to get this guy is to be aggressive IMO. Give him the card and cookies and make sure he knows your feelings. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, but at least you tried....

 

[TooShyShy]

Thank you soooooooo much for all the positive reinforcement!!!

Well, i gave him the cookies i baked for him along with the card that said some pretty nice things inside..like how a smile says "i care..." and how our hearts tell us saying things that "haven't been spoken yet.."

Well, i prepared myself for him to withdraw from me..becom even shyer cuz he had no prior knowledge and couldn't prepare himself. Well, he didn't withdraw at all!!!! He was shocked to receive them..he was like "Ohhh wow, thank you!!!" I saw the look on his face and knew just getting the cookies WITHOUT EVEN READING THE CARD YET was alot for him...

Then i left and the card was attached to his cookies and figured he would have to open it to get to the cookies...lol (i taped it to the top of the cookie tin) well anyway after about an hour i saw him again and he was in a great mood so i thought i guess he read my card!?!?

And he was pretty much everywhere i was after that...whenever i turned around HE WAS THERE i really didn't expect that to be honest with you i thought he would get very shy (as usual) and walk around with his head down BUT HE DIDN'T he seemed more self assured!!!

He was happy and in a good mood...laughing joking around with coworkers..its a side of him i haven't seen in a long time =)

I ended up leaving shortly after that..i worked half day today but i am SO GLAD i gave the cookies and card to him before i left for the day!!!

I know it really put a bounce in his step. I just wanted him to know that i care alot for him and that he is worth it!!!!



What do you all think????

 

[Andrew]

Looks like I am on the winning team again. I say we have a special ceremony to highlight those who supported the cookie idea.

 

[dan_e]

Sounds good TooShy Its nice you took the initiative to help this guy along. Maybe your gift helped him feel more assured. Reassurance helps a lot. I'm not certain of the signals people send me either, and I don't always respond to their signals for fear that I'm misreading them and will be rejected. Building a friendship first also helps. Keep us posted on what happens next.

 

[TooShyShy]

Just wanted to let you know he did bring up the cookies again today.

He was joking around a bit about the cookie dough sale (boxes were stacked in the hallway) that was going on to raise money and he kept telling me to "Go help myself..its cookie dough!" i though it was kind of funny..he kept repeating himself over and over again!!!!!

So, i said "Nah, thats ok all my baking is done now" and then he said "Ohhhhh and by the way thanks again for yesterday...the cookies...and everything...." i said you're welcome and asked him if he tried any..did he like them and he said yes that he tried them and that they were good!!!!

I thought it was nice he brought it up and joked around a bit about the cookie dough..and thanked me again after he already had when i gave them to him.

We were both nervous but it was a very cute exchange and he initiated and brought up the cookies so i was happy!!!!!!!!!!!

Any thoughts on him bringing it up?

 

[Dave_McFadden]

Any thoughts on him bringing it up?

Yep. It means he liked and appreciated the cookies.

I don't know if you're bold enough to try this, but maybe you could strategically place some mistletoe near your work area? Tis the season after all...

I remember somewhere else you said you had some mutual friends at work? Maybe you and some of your friends could do a "cookie-decorating" party for your office one day and you could arrange to get "randomly" paired up with him.

Just some ideas.

 

[TooShyShy]

He was definitly more bold today again


He approached me to ask a question about scheduling..he needs to know wether or not the program i run would be in Christmas week.

Well, not only did i email him about this 2 weeks ago but then i spoke to him about it last week as well. I was very specific about it all BUT today he asked me again about it!!!

I knew it was just an axcuse to talk to me and it did catch me off gaurd a bit but i was pleased.

I just think he is feeling more positive and self assured after getting my cookies and my card. I am guessing a girl has never pursued him before like this or has stayed and tried so much...and kept trying!!! And possibly never baked for him either i am guessing?

Well, i am still hopeful now that he will come around. I see he is trying

Anymore comments or advice are always welcomed!!!!!!!!!!

 

[KurtG85]

I have read a couple pages of this thread...

It seems to be waaay past time to go on a date. You need to either ask him or flirtatiously insinuate that he should ask you out on one, and keeping flirtatiously insinuating it.

I'm happy for your positive experiences but I just hope you are keeping things in perspective, meaning: you are not becoming extremely emotionally *attached* to this dude when you have no idea of whether you are compatible with him outside of work. I have no idea of your experience with men so maybe this is all common sense to you. Its really easy to do that with your first BF/GF (in my experience) but its pretty emotionally suicidal if you project a bunch of emotional hope or expectations on the person untill you have gone out with the person at least a few times to determine whether they are anywhere near capable of meeting such expectations. Again, I am not trying to sound negative or anything... but what that person mentioned earlier about him potentially not being very compatible with you communication wise is a big possibility if he is extremely shy. Most girls are turned off by shyness once they realize their original attraction to the shy 'cute-ness' quickly wears off and they are left extremely bored. Girls love to talk. Outgoing guys often do not desire anywhere near the amount of communication most females prefer, guys with SA (extreme shyness) REALLY do not like to talk as much as most females (talking is proven to be stress relieving for females, for males silence is stress relieving and talking is agitating; probably why guys with SAD often suffer from anxiety/depression i.e. high levels of stress so they don't feel like talking). I know I am making a lot of generalizations here about personalities but my point is that before you get too close to this dude you need to at least spend some significant one on one time together getting something to eat or something. If you are keeping things in perspective and not building up all kinds of emotional hopes and expectations before you even spend some significant 1 on 1 time with this dude than all I can say is glad you are having fun and its refreshing to see a girl take a genuine interest in a "nice", shy-guy.

Or you could suggest you both should go out for a drink some time if you are looking to speed things up the way 90% of potential couples do.

By far the most important thing to know here in terms of what kind of advice to give is what is your level of experience with men.

I'm really not trying to just be negative but if you aren't fairly well over the age of say... 25, I think you would have to have a pretty amazingly high level of compatibility to have even a decent chance of having a worthwhile relationship with this dude. Of course without the risks there are never rewards, its just my view that the odds aren't in your favor in this case, especially if you are much younger than 30.

 

[bleach]

^I agree..

TSS, you realize this is over 3 weeks since you've first posted here and nothing has really happened between you two?

What do you actually think is going to happen if you don't ask him out? Nothing.

If you aren't willing to risk rejection than you may as well drop your hopes now.

 

[TooShyShy]

I'm well over 30 just don't look it though.

And i think what i will do is just stop posting here.

You'd think you'd guys would welcome a women who would want to be with a man who has SA maybe thats part of the problem though...pushing people away!!!!!

Well, thanks for your opinions..i did appreciate reading them.

I wilsh you all much luck

 

[jordo]

gah this thread is too long to read it all so i'm not sure what has happened since. he's a lot like me...especially the sighing part lol. but i dont know why you cant help the guy out and tell him how you feel yourself if you know he likes you. why do guys have to do everything? lol. if you are shy too and you cant get yourself to do that...then the letter (and cookies lol) sound like a good idea. i would rather have a girl talk to me initially so that i would know that shes interested too and would feel more comfortable talking. i'm not sure if he knows you like him too...but i know if i knew someone liked me...i would have more confidence talking to them. and maybe you can assure him that you are willing to talk to him and (date) no matter what and just being with him is good enough.

 

[Dave_McFadden]

I'm well over 30 just don't look it though.

And i think what i will do is just stop posting here.

You'd think you'd guys would welcome a women who would want to be with a man who has SA maybe thats part of the problem though...pushing people away!!!!!

Well, thanks for your opinions..i did appreciate reading them.

I wilsh you all much luck

Well, I'm rooting for you. I certainly welcome any woman who is willing to look past shyness in a man if she thinks he's great otherwise.

We're all just trying to be supportive here. You know that we men have a way of bringing up the negatives if we think it will help represent all angles.

Sure, it could turn out that you're not compatible, but that could happen with anyone, SA or not.

And of course, we hope things work out. Otherwise, that could be one less woman willing to pursue a "shy guy", and that would be bad for us.

 

[Twirl]

Tooshyshy, you need to shit or get off the pot. Seriously. You're too old to play these games. Sorry, but true. You like him. You believe he likes you. You believe he'll be responsive to your gestures. So, you have a choice here. You can wait around until Hell freezes over and nothing happens between you two Or you can ask him out your damn self.
If you like him, ask him out. Keep it simple and casual. "Would you like to go to dinner this Friday night?" will do. If he says "Um... I can't" then you need to find a new fantasy because he's not going to work out for you. But, if he says "That sounds good. Yeah, I'd like to do that". Then go get a new dress and make the absolute best of the night. Take it into your own hands. GO FOR IT is what I'm saying! Come what may. Your alternative is to sit around posting things like: "He said 'Hi' and he looked soo sweet while I tried to act super casual as I walked by. But, I just know he likes me! Blah, blah, blah!" Take life by the fucking horns, girl. Ask him out. Fuck it. He'll say YES, btw. So, just do it.

 

[Angel_Of_Death]

Tooshy, I'm glad things are looking good and that he's being responsive.

I personally don't think you NEED to rush things, I mean you both work at the same place and you see each other almost everyday.

The way I see it, is that your determination is making things better and better, which means things are progressing. He is feeling more and more comfortable around/with you.

Keep on doing these things, your relationship with him will only grow. But let it grow. Give it time, I'm not saying years...but some time.

The way you describe the way he acts around you show me clearly that he likes you. If this is true, the end result will be positive. The only difference is how you approach him. If you go trough the different topics on this site, you will notice people posting about their own experience where they turned down a girl even tough they liked her, just because of the SA. If you have a good understanding of his SA, then you can have an approach which will be effective and which will make things work.

Try to build a friendship first, confide in him. Tell him things that are personal, ask for his opinion on those subjects, by doing that your relationship with him will go on to another level, a more intimate level. Your level of comfort, friendship will then grow. He will probably then confide in you...You get my point ?

Btw, don't stop posting...keep us up to date...

 

[bleach]

You'd think you'd guys would welcome a women who would want to be with a man who has SA maybe thats part of the problem though...pushing people away!!!!!

It's not a matter of pushing you away, it's pushing you to DO SOMETHING.

I've seen your situation - LIVED your situation many times before and it doesn't have a happy ending. You will both obsesses over each other for a while but with nothing happening, you'll eventually get bored and lose the attraction. Then you'll both be kicking yourself for months afterward 'Why couldn't I just ask him/her out??..'

You can't take ANYTHING for granted. If you want it to happen, you have to make it happen.

 

[KurtG85]

If you are keeping things in perspective and not building up all kinds of emotional hopes and expectations before you even spend some significant 1 on 1 time with this dude than all I can say is glad you are having fun and its refreshing to see a girl take a genuine interest in a "nice", shy-guy.

And i think what i will do is just stop posting here.

You'd think you'd guys would welcome a women who would want to be with a man who has SA maybe thats part of the problem though...pushing people away!!!!!

IDK who or what you're talking about but my only guess is that you are mistaking male logical, direct advise for hostile or unwelcoming words. Perhaps there were some nasty words said earlier in the post though, I dont think I read all of this thread. Quite frankly you are receiving some pretty invaluable, uncharacteristic-for-males (probably likely due to the many shy guys, that are usually sensitive, that happen to be the main audience of this forum), as well as uncharacteristic-for-internet-forums heartfelt, honest advice.

We males like to solve problems, its how we socialize mainly. If my apparent over-focus on possible issues/arising problems seems condescending or negative, it isn't intended to be. The reason I took the time to write you is because I genuinely want to see you (along with everyone else) be as emotionally secure and happy as possible. In the common male psyche the empathy and time I took to consider such angles and explain them at length to you is about as genuine, positive and "heartwarming" experience you can share with another guy; it is greatly appreciated most of the time and seen as an act of sincere friendship. I understand females usually prefer a more simple and direct form of positive support. Apparently my male language offering of positive support mis-translated to "fuck you" in female language.

We're all hoping that things go well for you with this and it sounds like you are doing a great job in easing into this relationship/friendship slowly and intelligently and helping to make it easier for this dude to be accepting of your interest in getting to know him better.

Additionally I can tell you that the ONLY way I have grown to become more comfortable in taking a more active role in initiating friendships/relationships with women (and while I still am extremely shy I have become 1000% 'better') is due to the help of a couple different women who were very outwardly encouraging of me to ask them out. In fact the biggest help was my first gf who asked me out (at 18 ). It turned out to be more of a fling thing for her, which was fine by me too, but the fact is this made it 100 times easier to ask a girl out for the first time. Which by the way I got rejected about 4 or so times in doing so, but that was GREAT as it taught me SO MUCH. Mainly that when girls either just give me pissy looks for whatever reason or reject my request at a date that it really is themselves that they are screwing over because I AM a nice, funny, sensitive guy (toot toot) which I realized when I finally was able to get close enough to a female for her to actually get to know me rather than just passing by my often awkward and sometimes harsh exterior mannerisms. The first girl I really asked out who accepted and then I developed a relationship with happened in this exact same way as you are describing with this guy. She became pretty aware of my interest in her, mainly through her making it very easy to flirt with her and then she sort of insinuated that I needed to ask her out sometime. It is like walking through fire to get myself to do it but she sort of kept kicking me in the butt about it... passively and I finally did it in a very short and awkward way. She was immediately like 'great!', we met up sometime and our relationship grew quickly. Anyhow... sorry, I am giving advice again I think. Just extolling the benefits of taking a direct approach with shy guys once you at least confirm their interest in you like you have with this guy.

 

[TooShyShy]

Thanks KurtG85!!!!!!!

Guys- Look I'm sorry if i came across badly..but i am grateful for the replies and i know you guys care but i feel that he is sooooooo scared to have this in his life wether its lack of experience, lack of self esteem or being unsure of me..he's frightened!!!!

I LIKE HIM SO MUCH AND I SEE HOW HE IS WITH ME - SO DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE!!! The thing i guess that confuses me is his ability to be around me, watch me, go out of his way to be in a room with me..and sometimes initiate conversation (like he has lately) but yet he can't relax completely - like he's afraid!!!!!

Somedays everytime i turn around he is there - but he doesn't smile or look cheerful (which makes me unesay but he looks at me like HE'S HURT OR ANGRY but yet he won't go away..he keeps coming back..and at times tries to talk to me..of course i always respond bcuz i don't want him to NOT do it but he just looks so nervous at times.

I guess my biggest issue is I AM SHY AS WELL especialy around him. I am actually more shy now then i was before all this started bcuz i know he feels something for me. I CAN SEE IT!! If you could only see how the man is with everyone else in the building; laughing, joking, smiling, etc. When i am looking into his eyes, he just can't do it. HE FREEZES UP!!!!!!!!!!

I know you guys want me to be direct and want to MORE THAN ANYTHING but whenever i get it in my mnd that i will be bold i get so nervous and i want to run!! But like him! And i don't know what to do, i wish HE WOULD DO SOMETHING to help me out but i know he can't...he just looks at me from across the room, longingly Yesterday he did this for over 20 min in the cafe, he just looks at me for long periods of time so i did intiate conversation before he left bcuz i couldn't take it anymore...lol!!!!

I asked him something about work and we talked a bit he actually kept the conversation going for longer than usual--since the cookies and more importantly the card i gave him, he is talking to me more--so i just kept talking!! I know this is dumb, i know i am partly to blame but i really need to know EXACTLY WHAT TO DO bcuz i am so worried that i will scare him away if i go to fast!!!!

HOW DO YOU MAKE THE GUY MORE AT EASE AND INVITE HIM TO ASK YOU OUT?

Believe it or not, he has come so far. He never use to be able to look me in the eyes without looking away the entire time now he says hello everyday makes a real effort to do it (likes to say my name alot too) which i have noticed!

I know it all seems crazy but he is chronically shy (and anxiety ridden WITH ME) and i am very shy myself WITH HIM ONLY) so its difficult on me!!!!! I like him so much and i feel this would work if he could just relax long enough to let me..or help me a bit to get this thing going.


I need ways to build up to that. The cookies and card did wonders..we talk everyday now BUT he still looks so frightened and some days he even looks like he can't handle me talking to him..its like he has ants in his pants...lol...he gets gittery or forgets to breathe..but then half an hour later he shows up where ever i am and sits and hangs out?

What is that..is that anxiety? Is he feeling to much pressure? I feel so badly for him when he gets that way. I try to help him out by initiating conversation with him whenever i see he needs it then it seems to get easier for him as we are talking most days.

Can anyone give me some insight on why he looks so sad sometimes when he looks at me..and down right frightened..it makes me nervous bcuz i feel like he just can't handle having me THAT close to him and looking at him? And all i want to do is put my arms around him and help him =)

But yet he finds ways to be around me all the time??? And i do think at times he finds excuses to be there - he's in maetenance so he's always fixing things when we ask him to. And yes i do ask him to come in and fix things and do little jobs for me..he comes right away and NEVER says no to me...i do get specal attention from him. Its always been this way with us.

Ok so, WHAT EXACTLY SHOULD I DO? Please don't tell me to just go up to him and say would you like to go out with me. I would die!!! I need to build up to that.

Wether it takes weeks or months i feeel he is worth it so until he starts to ignore me for hours..or days at a time and stops saying hello everyday and talking to me when he's able to then i will give up - right now i am not ready to walk away! Besides i think he'd be hurt by that especially after the card i gave him..its seems to have really affected him in a good way.


Also, what are some ways girls got you to put the moves on them..or at least relax around them long enough so they can ask you out?


Thanks again guys