Does it never occur to you to say anything unless directly questioned?

[tooshytosay]

To me, it really is like that. Unless someone asks me a direct question which demands an answer, it never "occurs" to me speak anything, at all.

Literally, if the other person could, I would let the other person speak for on and on and on and on and I'll be fine with that. It would never occur to me that I should say something. I'll be like "why say something when the other person hasn't asked me a question?"

But I've been observing how normal people interact lately and it's not like that for them. Normal, naturally-flowing, casual conversations have little DIRECT questioning. People somehow seem to take "cues" from eachother and automatically "know" when to speak. They don't need an explicit question to hand over the speaker's baton. It just happens.

I don't know, I just can't seem to do that. Unless a person explicitly hands over the speaking right to me via a direct question followed by a silence, I would just have no urge to speak at all.

And unfortunately, because of this, most conversations I have end up becoming "interrogations" - the other person, if they realise the above just spit-fires questions at me, and I answer those questions as if I was in an exam. As you can imagine such talks feel hardly natural at all, and I would feel very guilty because the other person is doing all the "work" with coming up with all the questions - and I would literally just feel like an answerphone.

Or, the conversation becomes an extreme one-way street. The other person does 99.9% of the talking. Then at the end, they'll ask, "why don't you say anything?" I'll be like, "er, because you've been talking and I didn't want to interrupt you?"

 

[drganon]

Hell, there have been hundreds of times people have directly spoken to me and I didn't say anything more than hmmm.

 

[Josette]

That used to be my experience. It often still is with people I don't know. I've gotten better at conversing with friends and acquaintances.

I remember that even when I did think of something to say, I'd think it was stupid and why would they want to hear what *I* have to say when I'm so unimportant or if I had a question, I'd think they're going to think it's none of my business and why should they answer me.

I think you just have to force yourself to say things. Maybe even have a stock go to list of subjects. Yes, it will feel forced and awkward at first but with more practice, it will suddenly become that normal, free-flowing thing you mention. That's been my experience anyway.

 

[Paahi]

Doesn't occur often, no.

 

[megalon]

I understand what you're saying. "Normal" people can initiate conversations about things that seem totally irrelevant at the moment, and us social phobics just don't see a reason behind it. We only speak when spoken to. I've been working on it by consciously forcing myself to make small talk at work and it does get easier.

 

[IGotSeoul]

I think that not wanting to engage in what you've described has little to do with social anxiety.

The reason is more so why?

Naturally, some people are more outward in social situations. They'll find themselves expressing and sharing ideas, spontaneously wanting to talk, but feel that their anxiety holds them back.

Others are naturally passive to small talk and chatter. Often they'll only express what they feel is important on the subject. If they have anxiety, they may feel as if that aspect of their personality is a defect when it is not.

Social anxiety is equally debilitating to both, but do not dismiss yourself as abnormal for not finding interest in social rituals.