Gieky
Well-known member
I feel like I am a slave to the innate social desires that come with being human...and I hate it! Despite being socially awkward and flat out weird, I have a good amount of friends, I strike up conversations with people I don't know and I am "out there" living life but my craving for social interaction resembles an addiction. I want it, I get it and I hate it, then I want it again.
When I am alone I want to be around people. When I am around people I want to be alone. I fight through the severe anxiety, being unable to breathe, just so I can have these small bursts of fun moments with people. The worst part is when I finally get some time alone with my thoughts. I ruminate excessively, picking apart every strange thing I said or did (there are a lot on any given day). Eventually I will spiral down to past events, cringing at myself, my life. I don't want to get into detail but my thoughts go to some terrifyingly dark places, scaring the sh*t out of me. I eventually calm down then swear to myself that from then on I will stop trying to meet new people, I will speak very little and become closed off. I fantasize about becoming more hermitized, so I can be at peace. Then I don't do that and repeat the cycle all over again. WTF brain, pick a side!
Does anyone else feel like they're stuck on the same hamster wheel?
When I am alone I want to be around people. When I am around people I want to be alone. I fight through the severe anxiety, being unable to breathe, just so I can have these small bursts of fun moments with people. The worst part is when I finally get some time alone with my thoughts. I ruminate excessively, picking apart every strange thing I said or did (there are a lot on any given day). Eventually I will spiral down to past events, cringing at myself, my life. I don't want to get into detail but my thoughts go to some terrifyingly dark places, scaring the sh*t out of me. I eventually calm down then swear to myself that from then on I will stop trying to meet new people, I will speak very little and become closed off. I fantasize about becoming more hermitized, so I can be at peace. Then I don't do that and repeat the cycle all over again. WTF brain, pick a side!
Does anyone else feel like they're stuck on the same hamster wheel?