do you tend to shut down?

exquisite

Well-known member
my bf of more than a year just broke up with me a week ago...again. for the 3rd damn time.
his excuse this time? he cant deal with my sh*t anymore, my sh*t being that i never tell him about anything that bothers me. funny story about that, EVERY SINGLE GODDARN TIME i told him what was bothering me after he would keep asking me for 10min straight, he would just end up getting mad at me & snapping, with some mean comment towards me, some kind of put down. heck, he was the one that wanted me to talk!! & when i would, he'd constantly turn it into a fight because he'd start screaming at me. which would only make me shut down more. i would just stop talking, ignore him, or simply walk away into the other room.
i hate confrontation. i hate fights. i hate being yelled at. it just makes me go into myself more. & he frkn knew that.
after he left, now all ive been doing is blaming myself. he told me i was a sh*tty gf...& blamed me for all the reasons our relationship didnt work out. that i never changed like i had "promised" to do if we got back together. & it just makes me feel horrible, ik i wasnt a bad gf, i tried tooth & nail, blood, sweat & tears, to make him happy. but because we'd fight all the time, he got sick of "my crap".
does anyone else feel like this? anyone ever had a situation like this?
 

exquisite

Well-known member
if you wish to read it, this is the story i posted on another forum...

2 nights ago, my bf of more than a year broke up with me out of the blue. this is the second time he's done something like this, we got back together 4 months ago & everything was perfect, until that night.
he was helping me clean my room after he came home from work. since we got back together, i moved out of my parents house & got my own apartment. even though he has his own house on campus, he would constantly stay at my place. in fact, for the last 2 months, we were basically living together. it was much more convenient for him to go to work from my place.
anyways. about 3 weeks ago i started taking a birth control pill & i became a little conscious about my weight, since it seemed to me like i was gaining some. i talked to him about it many times & he knew i was having a problem with it.
well, when we were cleaning, i was in his way & he said to me "move, fat ass." i couldnt believe he just said something so mean to me like that. so i dropped wtvr i was hanging & i walked into the kitchen, picked up a magazine & just sat there looking through it. in about 3 minutes, he came out of my room, sat down on the floor in front of me & started asking me what was wrong, what happened, why'd i get so pissed. but i ignored him. then i told him, if he doesnt know, i cant help him. he then stood up, said, "im so sick & tired of this constant sh*t" & walked away, slamming the door.
a couple minutes later i came in & i asked how in the world he couldve said something so mean to me. he started yelling at me that thats his sense of humor, we've been together for a year already & i should know that by now. i said that idc, i dont consider jokes like that funny & he knows that very well. it became a huge fight.
i guess the backstory to this is, im the kind of person, that whenever somethings bothering me, i tend to keep it to myself, even when he would keep asking me about it. this pissed him off to no end. but when we got back together, he made me promise to tell him anything that bothered me. & i tried. but every single time, i'd tell him even the dumbest thing, & he'd get mad & yell at me, turning it into a fight. so i would just back down again. also, he's a paranoid schizophrenic, or was, when he was diagnosed at 17. so he has a very short fuse & constantly has this idea that im only with him to get back at him for breaking up with me the first time.
anyways, so during this fight 2 nights ago, idk when it happened, since he was packing his stuff to take to his house & do laundry, but all of a sudden, he started packing his bags, all his stuff, computer, alarm clock, deodorant. & he started saying how he lied when he told me he was happy. then 5min later he said he didnt lie. he was actually very happy but he cant stand it anymore how i never talk to him (even though i do! i try!). i tried to hug him, even hold his hand, he told me to get off him.
the strangest thing is, when we got back together & ever since, all he would do is tell me how im the love of his life, how hes an idiot for taking so long to realize it, how he sees the rest of his life with me, married, kids, everything. he told me he would spend the rest of his life apologizing to me for hurting me so bad the first time. & literally in about half an hr, he made a decision to leave. even when i told our mutual friends, they were shocked! we had hung out with them the night before & we were fine. our friends gf works with my bf & she was floored! she had seen him just a couple hrs ago at work & he was fine! but nobody was more shocked than i was. it hit me out of nowhere.
then he started yelling at me that no matter what he does, i always get mad at him for the smallest things. calling your gf fat ass isnt small!!
i would be sick, along with him & i'd be taking care of hi, making him tea, soup, wtvr he wanted. he'd just be there complaining about how sick he is. i'd make him food whenever he asked, i'd give him my car to take to work when he didnt have a ride. hell, he works all day! 8am-6pm! i'd be stuck at home! but hey, anything for the love of my life. & he'd just come home from work, turn on the tv & ignore me. of course that would bother me, regardless if you bought milk like i asked you to!
then he told me that he didnt realize until now that when we got back together, i 'told' him it'd be different. that i made a deal that i wouldnt get mad & would tell him everything. he told me hes done, nothing changed since the first time he broke up with me & that its over, he doesnt see us together with a family for the rest of our lives anymore.

& now, its almost been 48 hrs & all i do is cry. i cant sleep. sure as hell cant eat. i tried txtn him. i asked him if he got over me already. he once told me that its so easy for him to get over a relationship. he was taught to control his feelings by his psychiatrist. but when he broke up with me the first time, he never could get over me. he slept with other girls! he drank his life away! but nothing helped. he couldnt get me off his mind. but i forgave him for everything, i did. but i havent gotten a response. i wrote him a long fb msg basically telling him exactly how i felt. ik he read it. but nothing. but now, it just feels as dark as i used to feel 4months ago. i wake up in the morning with a feeling like someone is reaching into my chest & pulling something out, every single second. its so lonely without him, i hate my room, i just want to run away. whats more is, his best friend lives right next to my building...& borrows his car to go to work every single day. & every single car i hear in the street, my heart skips a beat & i keep hoping its him coming back to apologize.
thats not even the worst part. when it was about 1 month since we got back together, he enlisted in the army. i told him i'll support him, ill write to him, everything! everyone thought we'd break up, but i'd go to hell & back for this boy. he even talked about marrying me before he left, so that i could follow him to his bases. well, he leaves in april. & i feel like i'll never see him again. he's the love of my life. idk how to live without him. i can't just let him go.

please help me, give me some advice on how to get him back. ik he loves me. & i love him more than life itself. how can someone just cut another person out of their life when theyve been together for so long. & over something so stupid!!
what do i do? how to i get him back to me? or at least to talk to me, so we can talk it out??? please.
 

Monstrous

Member
I'm not in a relationship but I shut down ALL the time. if I talk to people for too much in a single day I HAVE to take a break from humans and be by myself to clear my head, there's just no other way around it.

Dunno if that's completely what you meant in your post but I tried to relate the best I could. :p


p.s. if that's a pic of you in your avatar then don't even sweat that dude cause you're a cutie. ;)
 

Minty

Well-known member
I know you're probably hurt that he broke up with you again, but honestly...he doesn't sound mature enough to be in a relationship. A relationship isn't a right, it's a privilege you have to work hard for. And you cannot get angry at someone for not confiding in you about their problems. When someone tells you about their problems, it means they trust you and that's something you work hard for, too. If he's not willing to put in the work by being kind, considerate and sensitive to your needs, he doesn't deserve you. Or anyone for that matter.

He sounds like a child.
 

DespairSoul

Well-known member
exquisite,

Im sorry to hear it everything about your boyfrend and you. After reading your story i see that your relation was complicated on start, because just some people dont click together and just always they will argue because they cant find common way how to solution those issues. Is seems your bf propably dont understand your emotions. What he was telling u about fat ass wasnt good and i would alone take bad. I dont like jokes kind of those. Some womans for sure will laugh and will even not react on those comment and give him yet soup under his nose. Do you are sure u want him back?? If he do drama now with leaving he just wants propably manipulate u and u give him a lot of space for it. On love u must work it, perfect love dont exist, but u must find the way how to do it and somemetimes is very hard find the way because u are sensitive girl and he dont pay attention to that and what if he never will?? Do you are prepared be tolerant whole live for acting to you mean like this?? I alone experienced relations where we too couldnt find way how to talk to each other because of my sensitivity. Maybe u need better guy wich will treat u how u deserve!!! Take care!
 

JesseJay

Member
I was kind of in the same exact boat. Only with my ex g/f. I blocked my feelings off and got distant to her and then she snapped and it hurt the relationship. Sorry you're going through this but I'll give you advice since mine failed. Don't rush back when your emotions are still high. Stress and tension are still up and it'll only make it worse.. If you told him how you felt, He knows that and just wait and see..
 

Danfalc

Banned
please help me, give me some advice on how to get him back. ik he loves me. & i love him more than life itself. how can someone just cut another person out of their life when theyve been together for so long. & over something so stupid!!
what do i do? how to i get him back to me? or at least to talk to me, so we can talk it out??? please.
Things sound pretty intense between you guys. I have been in similar relationships to this and I honestly think he might just need some time to calm down and have a little break.I think he does care for you a lot, otherwise he would not react so strongly to these arguments.

It's weird how when you have been with someone for a long time that it can be the little things which cause BIG problems. I think sometimes that's just because no matter how much you love someone, relationships can be hard work sometimes, especially if you have two sensitive/passionate people.

But yeah I think it's best you maybe give him a little time, not just for him but for yourself, maybe use this time to really evaluate things because how you feel is important too.
 

exquisite

Well-known member
I'm not in a relationship but I shut down ALL the time. if I talk to people for too much in a single day I HAVE to take a break from humans and be by myself to clear my head, there's just no other way around it.

Dunno if that's completely what you meant in your post but I tried to relate the best I could. :p


p.s. if that's a pic of you in your avatar then don't even sweat that dude cause you're a cutie. ;)
=] ha thank you. well i meant that i have a hard time talking about my feelings in general..its difficult when you always 2nd guess yourself about just how important or stupid an issue is... & whenever i'd tell him something, he'd end up getting mad at me & saying a mean comment, or yelling. which would only cause me to shut down more. its hard to talk to someone about your problems when all they do is make you feel extremely stupid about the problems in the first place.

I know you're probably hurt that he broke up with you again, but honestly...he doesn't sound mature enough to be in a relationship. A relationship isn't a right, it's a privilege you have to work hard for. And you cannot get angry at someone for not confiding in you about their problems. When someone tells you about their problems, it means they trust you and that's something you work hard for, too. If he's not willing to put in the work by being kind, considerate and sensitive to your needs, he doesn't deserve you. Or anyone for that matter.

He sounds like a child.
he kind of is..i even told him, he's extremely selfish & childish. idk, i just think that he has no emotions in the first place. & god forbid i'd tell him something that he did that bothered me. he would think im directly telling him 'youre a sh*tty bf'. which i never did. i never would have.

I was kind of in the same exact boat. Only with my ex g/f. I blocked my feelings off and got distant to her and then she snapped and it hurt the relationship. Sorry you're going through this but I'll give you advice since mine failed. Don't rush back when your emotions are still high. Stress and tension are still up and it'll only make it worse.. If you told him how you felt, He knows that and just wait and see..
thing is, i tried to tell him everything, regardless of how uncomfortable i mightve been. when he broke up with me, he told me that everything i would tell him was stupid & that i was stupid for even having issues with it. it just became so hard to tell him anything. he'd just make me sound ungrateful & stupid.

Things sound pretty intense between you guys. I have been in similar relationships to this and I honestly think he might just need some time to calm down and have a little break.I think he does care for you a lot, otherwise he would not react so strongly to these arguments.

It's weird how when you have been with someone for a long time that it can be the little things which cause BIG problems. I think sometimes that's just because no matter how much you love someone, relationships can be hard work sometimes, especially if you have two sensitive/passionate people.

But yeah I think it's best you maybe give him a little time, not just for him but for yourself, maybe use this time to really evaluate things because how you feel is important too.
idk if i can evaluate. its hard to imagine that he actually loves me when its the 3rd time he's left because 'he isnt happy & cant deal.' the first time, it was just a couple weeks into our relationship. he ended up partying & sleeping with whoever he can find. but i didnt feel so strongly back then. the 2nd time, just 5 months ago, he left out of nowhere, jsut like this time. we were apart for 2months & he slept with about 4 different girls, hooked up with 2 others, & made out with another 2...or 3..or something. apparently, he made out with some chick at a party at his house this past friday...it was literally just 1 week after we broke up. i cant even have another guy touch me! hes already making out with other people. its just hard.

exquisite,

Im sorry to hear it everything about your boyfrend and you. After reading your story i see that your relation was complicated on start, because just some people dont click together and just always they will argue because they cant find common way how to solution those issues. Is seems your bf propably dont understand your emotions. What he was telling u about fat ass wasnt good and i would alone take bad. I dont like jokes kind of those. Some womans for sure will laugh and will even not react on those comment and give him yet soup under his nose. Do you are sure u want him back?? If he do drama now with leaving he just wants propably manipulate u and u give him a lot of space for it. On love u must work it, perfect love dont exist, but u must find the way how to do it and somemetimes is very hard find the way because u are sensitive girl and he dont pay attention to that and what if he never will?? Do you are prepared be tolerant whole live for acting to you mean like this?? I alone experienced relations where we too couldnt find way how to talk to each other because of my sensitivity. Maybe u need better guy wich will treat u how u deserve!!! Take care!
i know that i love him more than anything. i know that i want to be with him...but its hard to deal with when he always ends up leaving me. & now, idk what to do. its hard to be without him... ik he loves me. in fact, when he left, he was saying absolutely random things about how terrible our relationship was..which werent even true..he did it last time he left too...i did some research on it & it can happen to paranoid schizophrenics. in fact, he would constantly tell me about how paranoid he was going to be while in the army. that he would be afraid that i'd cheat on him because i'd have to wait so long for him to come back. or that i would break up with him while he was gone so i could be with someone else...i just know that thats the reason...but idk how to tell him that.
 

DespairSoul

Well-known member
exquisite okay=) i understand. I know how hard is break up by myself and i too can love immortal wich case me only issues with heart thats why i was trying little open your eyes if your bf is really what u want from live hun. Yes in a fury u can say random stuff for wich u later feel huge sorrow. U are right because this dont give sense if he say ones A and later B. Because u also said that he wants be with you forever and say to you beautiful things and later is caused by small thing those arguing and leaving u. Wait little maybe he will come with beautiful roses for you and an apologize?:D I bet he miss u a lot. Maybe he search solutide now because he feel u was right and is hard admit? Hun but maybe will be all the time your relation like this one time together, one time no..but if he is for you everything and u are sure with your feeling then do it what your heart say and u will see.
 
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