Do I Have SAD?

[A Many Splendored Thing]

First off, I'd just like to say hello to everyone, and say how wonderful it has been to read people's comments on this site. Many people on here seem like very nice people that have been through very hard times.

Now about my question... I find that I have become more comfortable being alone these past few years. It's not that I like being a loner per say, but people always seem to make me feel worse about myself in whatever way possible. I notice that it seems like I just 'shut down' around people now... I can't even think, and I usually get tired and sullen.

It's almost like I have begun to accept that I don't/can't speak to people. I don't even really feel awkward around someone when I don't speak anymore...I don't even really feel any emotion anymore around a person. I used to care and it used to tear me up inside about any little thing; like when I went to order food at a place like Panda Express and I didn't know what was on the menu. I would get nervous and say something stupid; I would already feel stupid for what I said, then the person across the counter would say a blatant insult making me feel inadequate....

I used to lie in bed crying for about an hour or two every night, because I felt so alone and broken yet I didn't know how to help myself. Now I generally just feel meh all the time, but at least I'm not so bad that I'm crying anymore.

I might be feeling ok right now mostly due to not having to deal with anybody except my parents and a few people I work with when I volunteer. I am too afraid to try to get an actual job, but having my parents support me isn't what I want either.

I am at least able to go shopping somewhat as I don't have to say much. I still get nervous, but as I do it more, it is becoming easier.

Phones scare me...Whenever our home phone rings, I plead with whatever being there might be out there(I'm Atheist) that I don't have to answer the phone as there will be a person on the other side. I don't even like using my own voice for my voicemail message out of fear that I will sound weird.

I believe I just ousted my last and best friend that I've known since 1st grade. In fact, I don't know if I was ever that close to him even though we've known each other for so long.

I just want to know if there is a way I can get help before I start to look for help. Not having feelings doesn't seem right for anybody... especially when I used to care but was too afraid to do anything. I think of this as an automatic escape for me as I would just feel bad otherwise.

I have a few stories that I still remember of my stupidity/inadequacy. My memory had slipped during my high school years where I had slowly grown more depressed over time, but I think I've slowly recovered since I've graduated.

I hope I don't depress anybody while I'm on here, and I hope this thread helps anybody that feels the same way as me.

 

[MikeyC]

Welcome, Spendored.

It sounds like your depression has now moved to a general apathy about everything. You've just begun not to care about any situation (except the phone calls) and it's shut you down from human interaction.

This is actually a very dangerous stage of depression because when you're depressed you still care about whatever it was that has upset you. Not so for apathy.

In my opinion (and it's an opinion, that's all), therapy will help you unlock why you shut down around people and dislike human contact a lot.

However, to answer your question directly: yes, probably some.

 

[A Many Splendored Thing]

Thanks for such a quick reply Mikey.

I don't know how this state could be more dangerous than how I was before. I sometimes held a knife to my neck when I felt bad enough. I wanted to end it all right then and there...I just told myself that everything would get better later, I would be weak for taking the easy way out, and I would hurt those around me that cared for me.

I don't think about hurting myself now. I feel safer alone now that I don't care; apparently I still am afraid to die as that is just programmed into genetics.

I just wanted confirmation that therapy might be helpful... I have never been good at opening up to anyone.

I find it a little sad that I found comfort when I discovered that there were many people with a disorder like SAD... I would go to the lengths to say that it made me feel happy for a short while; that feeling seems like the reason I was able to even attempt this thread in the first place. I wish nobody had any such disorder, because just reading through some of these comments shows how terrible it is.

 

[MikeyC]

I sometimes held a knife to my neck when I felt bad enough. I wanted to end it all right then and there...I just told myself that everything would get better later

While you were contemplating suicide, you did get that thought that things will get better. That still shows that you cared. I'm just a little worried that you simply don't care now. You say you're scared of dying, which is comforting, if nothing else.

Not to mention that suicide is the final exit. No going back if you regret it.

I just wanted confirmation that therapy might be helpful... I have never been good at opening up to anyone.

Therapy is not a quick fix. It takes a lot of sessions before you feel you'll be able to open up properly and start feeling comfortable. It's not an easy task but it is beneficial. It will be tough at first - I know my first session was riddled with anxiousness - but it does get easier.

 

[A Many Splendored Thing]

I think I needed to vent what I have felt in my life to someone.

Today I got into a conversation with two of the guys I work with. I didn't talk too much while they were together, but I did a little bit. I could even hold a short conversation with one of them later.

At first, I thought he thought of me like a kid by certain words and whatnot; I was told I looked like a little kid by many of my classmates when I was 17 in HS which had depressed me back then, because I thought that meant in their minds that I was a little kid. I just blew off anything he said anyway(emotionally)...until he said he thought of me as an intelligent guy.

Today, I feel slightly better. I have never vented anything to anyone, but maybe I should do it more often. Luckily, the internet me is much more courageous than the real life me.

I did have to call one of the guys at one point, and I totally failed during the call. I could at least get the point across by being straight forward. There were people around me too. I just didn't want them to know I couldn't handle calling someone that I know well. Nobody seemed to notice how bad I thought I did though.

Thanks again. It feels a little weird posting on these forums, because I'm not quite sure if I have SA... I feel anxious in many situations, but many people are nervous about what they have to do in their life. I would like to keep posting on these forums if it's alright.

 

[A Many Splendored Thing]

I want to ask one more thing.

What is your idea on love for certain people?

-Strangers

-Friends

-Family

-Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Spouse

I feel like I have lost love for anyone somewhere along the way. I did just hear someone got hurt badly today...I felt sad to the point of holding back tears, but I cry at many things. Do you feel good when you see someone you love?

 

[MikeyC]

Today, I feel slightly better. I have never vented anything to anyone, but maybe I should do it more often. Luckily, the internet me is much more courageous than the real life me.

Yeah, if you feel you need to vent, either on the internet or to someone in real life, go ahead and do it. You certainly feel better getting your emotions out there.

I did have to call one of the guys at one point, and I totally failed during the call. I could at least get the point across by being straight forward. There were people around me too. I just didn't want them to know I couldn't handle calling someone that I know well. Nobody seemed to notice how bad I thought I did though.

Calling people and talking on the phone eliminates body language, so it's harder to get your point across. I know I hate talking on the phone, too, so I try to avoid it as much as possible or try to be alone when I have to.

Thanks again. It feels a little weird posting on these forums, because I'm not quite sure if I have SA... I feel anxious in many situations, but many people are nervous about what they have to do in their life. I would like to keep posting on these forums if it's alright.

I am like you, where I feel anxious in many situations, and I think I may have a slight cause of anxiety, but mostly it's depression for me. Of course you can keep posting.

I want to ask one more thing.

What is your idea on love for certain people?

-Strangers

-Friends

-Family

-Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Spouse

I feel like I have lost love for anyone somewhere along the way. I did just hear someone got hurt badly today...I felt sad to the point of holding back tears, but I cry at many things. Do you feel good when you see someone you love?

It's a tough question. But now you've got me thinking of the people in my life that I love. Not like, but love...and there's not many. I focus on flaws too much.

However, I do feel good when I see people I, uh, really like. Being around good people is a sure-fire way of making you feel good, even if only temporarily.