distressed..suicidal..was this the urge to actually kill??

[alonethinker]

A year ago i suffered anorexia it effectively eliminated my thoughts as i was focused on cals etc now im recovered im dealing with ocd (not diagnosed professionally) but i use to have an obssession that i was pregnant even thought i was a virgin, or that i was going blind and other stuff but its just gotten worse and worse and i seriously cant take it

i was sexually and physically abused but its the last 6months where i have thought im a peado now a serial killer can someone automatically become this in 6 months or is it genetics etc because one minute i believed in peace, love and happiness the next a dark cloud descended i want it gone i look to the future and im not excited i dont know if i want one :'(

ok so a week ago i had pocd and it has eased now but today i had an amazing evening had a couple of thoughts but just ignored them i then went home with my boyfriend and was at his dads we were watching a comedy i was happy and then all of a sudden the urge and thought to pick up a knife and stab them entered my mind it was like the ocd was trying to move my legs and walk i resisted and had an anxiety moment my face was red heart pounded no one saw as we were in a dark room i even got images of me smearing blood everywhere and then slicing my wrists :'( i got home burst into tears and looked in the mirror for half and hour saying over and over 'im not a killer' omg i cant believe it i really cant was this a natural urge to kill or just ocd ??

im going to my gp tomorow :'( i hope they can confirm ocd i want it gone i dont want to hurt anybody now but when its happens its so strong

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Ahh... being in emotional distress can make a person become enraged over every little thing. If you aren't already, you should speak with a therapist. They will be able to help you much more than anyone on here could.
When you go see your GP, tell him how you are feeling and that you are having suicidal thoughts- and he/she can fasttrack you to seeing a proper therapist.

Becoming enraged suddenly could also be a sign of bipolar disorder or a number of other things... whatever it is though, your gp and therapist will be able to help you with therapy/medications.

 

[A_Lighter_Shade]

Just wanted to let you know that I've had a similar problem. I've had the problem as long as I can remember and as far as I can tell it wasn't brought on by abuse. I've tried really hard to remember any trigger that might have caused it in me, but can't. So I think it's just genetic.

But I've had many episodes just like the one you describe. Even down to the rapid heartbeat and red face. I could be just walking down the street and suddenly see myself stab a passerby in the neck.

I wanted to offer reassurance. Even after about 20 years it never drove me to actually do any of the things I saw. Then my doctor and I finally diagnosed it as OCD and found some medicine that made it stop. I'm sure you will be able to also.

 

[goldatom]

Don't worry, it's classical OCD. You should keep yourself busy in doing productive things. Then these thoughts won't come. Also you should take medicines for them, if you don't have significant side-effects.

 

[Dead_on_Arrival]

These are the moments I have found the most difficult to cope with. I still hate myself for the way I felt back then.

I used to have the urge to kill people. It normaly came when I was on the rifle ranges when I was in the army. I actually had a rifle in my hands loaded with live amunition. I'd get mental images of turning and shooting everyone around me starting with the people who wouldn't allow me in their social circle and wouldn't befriend me. In my head I hated them so much I wanted them gone forever. Then I'd see myself turning the rifle on myself and ending the torment in my head. I had to resist the urges so much it scared the crap out of me. I'd go back to my block and beat the sh*t out of my bed and locker to get rid of the anger I had for myself, or I'd go for a run or ride to knacker myself out and take my mind off things. Even now, eight years after leaving, I still think about it.

I do still get violent thoughts even now but I am much better able to cope with them. The thoughts of ending it all are just as strong as ever but every time I think of it I look at photo's of my family, maybe have a good old blubb, then just get on with life.

 

[YellowBird]

A year ago i suffered anorexia it effectively eliminated my thoughts as i was focused on cals etc now im recovered im dealing with ocd (not diagnosed professionally) but i use to have an obssession that i was pregnant even thought i was a virgin, or that i was going blind and other stuff but its just gotten worse and worse and i seriously cant take it

i was sexually and physically abused but its the last 6months where i have thought im a peado now a serial killer can someone automatically become this in 6 months or is it genetics etc because one minute i believed in peace, love and happiness the next a dark cloud descended i want it gone i look to the future and im not excited i dont know if i want one :'(

ok so a week ago i had pocd and it has eased now but today i had an amazing evening had a couple of thoughts but just ignored them i then went home with my boyfriend and was at his dads we were watching a comedy i was happy and then all of a sudden the urge and thought to pick up a knife and stab them entered my mind it was like the ocd was trying to move my legs and walk i resisted and had an anxiety moment my face was red heart pounded no one saw as we were in a dark room i even got images of me smearing blood everywhere and then slicing my wrists :'( i got home burst into tears and looked in the mirror for half and hour saying over and over 'im not a killer' omg i cant believe it i really cant was this a natural urge to kill or just ocd ??

im going to my gp tomorow :'( i hope they can confirm ocd i want it gone i dont want to hurt anybody now but when its happens its so strong

it's the ocd.if you wanted to murder someone/hurt/rape you wouldn't be worryied about it,people capable of aggressive behavior don't worry,it's the stress bottling up,I think exactly the same things every single day,I analyze them,I try to make sense of them but that's the catch,you have to regulate your reactions to your intrusive thoughts,don't block them from coming,but try to lessen their meaning,when you have a thought that you are going to kill someone,don't panic,realise this is not true,this is not you,'make fun' of your thoughts,use humor.I'm afraid that now that I've told you it's due to stress won't help nor does it help to get people confirm it,it only makes it stronger,I know you will try to read similar stories and check what other people think but it only calms you down for a while and then ocd returns.

 

[SAYC]

I am 41 and this has been going on in my head off and on for 30 years. Classic OCD. For me, keeping busy, learning new things and challenging myself physically and intellectually has really helped. After I had my kids, the hormonal shift really threw me and I went on meds to help with the thoughts (Celexa for me) and it has been really amazing. So quiet and effortless in my head now. Sure, they still run through my mind some but I just let it slide out and keep going. It's not me, it's OCD.

 

[Beatrice]

These are the moments I have found the most difficult to cope with. I still hate myself for the way I felt back then.

I used to have the urge to kill people. It normaly came when I was on the rifle ranges when I was in the army. I actually had a rifle in my hands loaded with live amunition. I'd get mental images of turning and shooting everyone around me starting with the people who wouldn't allow me in their social circle and wouldn't befriend me. In my head I hated them so much I wanted them gone forever. Then I'd see myself turning the rifle on myself and ending the torment in my head. I had to resist the urges so much it scared the crap out of me. I'd go back to my block and beat the sh*t out of my bed and locker to get rid of the anger I had for myself, or I'd go for a run or ride to knacker myself out and take my mind off things. Even now, eight years after leaving, I still think about it.

I do still get violent thoughts even now but I am much better able to cope with them. The thoughts of ending it all are just as strong as ever but every time I think of it I look at photo's of my family, maybe have a good old blubb, then just get on with life.

::

I'm sorry you felt/feel this way.....

While I never got to that extreme, there were times in high school when I would become so angry it was almost unbearable. The pain of feeling left out and lonely and having my peers look at me like I was pathetic was just horrible.

This one girl I lived with (I went to a boarding school) was such an awful person, she seemed sweet but she was two-faced and she would treat me like I was stupid and inferior. I used to fantasize about terrible things happening to her, and wished her the worst (I still do, sadly).

To top it all off, I met someone online during a really rough time in my life and he ended up really making me feel horrible with the things he said about depression and my personality. I finally fully realized he was just a pathetic a-hole, and that it was terribly unhealthy to rely on his company for interaction, and was done. There was another attempt at friendship this year but it was a joke, and I felt ashamed that I allowed myself to talk to him again, like..... do I really want to be friends with this loser who treats people like absolute ****? So, unable to ignore the shame and the anger any more, I just stopped it for good.

Anger is like poison, and rage is triple the dose.

 

[SAYC]

I am 41 and this has been going on in my head off and on for 30 years. Classic OCD. For me, keeping busy, learning new things and challenging myself physically and intellectually has really helped. After I had my kids, the hormonal shift really threw me and I went on meds to help with the thoughts (Celexa for me) and it has been really amazing. So quiet and effortless in my head now. Sure, they still run through my mind some but I just let it slide out and keep going. It's not me, it's OCD.

Just to note that I would not say that I had the "urge" to kill someone like Dead_on_Arrival and Beatrice have said. My OCD was having a "fear" of killing someone or an impression of it but it was not associated with feelings of anger or hatred at all. It was/is anxiety, fear and guilt.

Maybe for some people, their response to the OCD can be anger or hatred of themselves. For others like me, it is guilt and depression.

You must keep telling yourself that these thoughts are not you; there is no reason to hate yourself for them. Now that I know it is OCD and not me, I look more kindly at myself and when I have some of these thoughts coming into my head, I know that I need to take a break, take care of myself. It's an early warning system. Some people get heart attacks, I get OCD. As for the years past, yes, I regret the times OCD ruled my life and tormented me but I can't change the past. I want to live fully now.

 

[NP88]

I have intrusive thoughts. That's all they are however. I believe they are simply a justification for hating yourself and not progressing with your life in a positive way. I would never do the things I think though, the thoughts frighten me sometimes but they have no basis in reality.

 

[MaxineRyder]

Hi alonethinker
I too went through Anorexia for some years. This masked my OCD as I was obsessed by calories. It was the only thing that made me feel good in a world where all i could do was obsess. The thing is that I wasnt diagnosed with OCD for ten years, long after anorexia and bulimia were behind me. It was my fault for being embarrassed to talk about my obsessions and also because back in those days (20 years ago) OCD was less known about, there were no movies on the subject and no internet.
You are lucky to know the name OCD, so just boldly go to your doctor and say this is what and have and here's why. With any luck your doc will prescribe SSRI meds. Those literally save my life !!!
Good luck. You are not alone!!
Maxine xxxx