Satine
Well-known member
Does anyone here tend to find other unconfident people undermine their own confidence?
My sister in law, Vicky, is a lovely woman. I don't meet with her very often, but maybe every 6 months or so, we do. She's very bubbly by nature, but is also very timid, and whenever we have a meet-up with her and my brother in law coming up, I worry about dealing with this.
Take this Saturday just gone, for example. We met at the agreed spot, and while my other half and his brother chatted about their own stuff, Vicky and I brought up the rear, trying to hold a conversation. Vicky tends to assume I'll want to complain about stuff from the moment we meet (which usually I don't) so she tries from the outset to sympathise with me over what she guesses to be potential problems. I've responded before to this behaviour from previous acquaintances and friends, and that just sets up a dynamic where they think I want to do nothing but complain, so I try not to respond too much to Vicky when she does this.
Only trouble is, if I try to draw her into a conversation about anything else, about her stuff - how her job is going, etc. - she just says things are fine then clams up. I also feel a bit 'not right' about saying, 'this is going on and it's fantastic; that's going on and it's great' etc., as I think that it can sound like boasting to try and talk about my own good fortune. And talking about stuff that isn't to do with me or her just seems out of place, especially when we've just met up and are making shop talk until we find somewhere to settle.
After a couple of beers we tend to relax a bit, but I still keep getting suggestions from her that she'd rather not contribute to the conversation and wants me to speak instead. I can come up with anecdotes, state opinions about things and the like, but I worry this is making me look egotistical. Personally, I'd rather not talk that much; I wish she'd say more so I didn't have to cover for her.
That's another thing: she worries greatly about stating her own opinions on things; she'd much rather let others say what theirs are and just agree, to keep things sweet.
This means that, if we hang around together for a whole afternoon chatting (usually in the pub, because Vicky and her partner don't really like doing much else. We've tried talking them into visiting attractions and stuff, but that's an uphill struggle), I find I'll eventually push things too far and say something wrong. This Saturday we got onto the subject of our next door neighbours' bedroom noises, which are pretty loud, and tend to be a bit... well, strange. I made a comment regarding this that made everyone a bit uncomfortable, assuming at, as we'd all had a few drinks, we'd all be okay with it. But it backfired.
I don't get this problem with friends we can just hunker down with and have in-depth conversations about farming, or swine flu, or whether you can have capitalism without democracy, or whatever. It's just with people (mostly Vicky, at this point) that I feel I have to carry in some way. But it happens, I find, generally with people who don't want to get into 'deep' conversations or have problems expressing differing opinions.
It's not practical to try and avoid Vicky; that would just set up tensions within the family, and there are already one or two. But carrying Vicky through a meet-up like this, plus trying to genuinely enjoy the gathering myself, plus the seductive quality of alcohol for opening up and chatting, it's forming a trend in which I offend the others.
Any suggestions?
My sister in law, Vicky, is a lovely woman. I don't meet with her very often, but maybe every 6 months or so, we do. She's very bubbly by nature, but is also very timid, and whenever we have a meet-up with her and my brother in law coming up, I worry about dealing with this.
Take this Saturday just gone, for example. We met at the agreed spot, and while my other half and his brother chatted about their own stuff, Vicky and I brought up the rear, trying to hold a conversation. Vicky tends to assume I'll want to complain about stuff from the moment we meet (which usually I don't) so she tries from the outset to sympathise with me over what she guesses to be potential problems. I've responded before to this behaviour from previous acquaintances and friends, and that just sets up a dynamic where they think I want to do nothing but complain, so I try not to respond too much to Vicky when she does this.
Only trouble is, if I try to draw her into a conversation about anything else, about her stuff - how her job is going, etc. - she just says things are fine then clams up. I also feel a bit 'not right' about saying, 'this is going on and it's fantastic; that's going on and it's great' etc., as I think that it can sound like boasting to try and talk about my own good fortune. And talking about stuff that isn't to do with me or her just seems out of place, especially when we've just met up and are making shop talk until we find somewhere to settle.
After a couple of beers we tend to relax a bit, but I still keep getting suggestions from her that she'd rather not contribute to the conversation and wants me to speak instead. I can come up with anecdotes, state opinions about things and the like, but I worry this is making me look egotistical. Personally, I'd rather not talk that much; I wish she'd say more so I didn't have to cover for her.
That's another thing: she worries greatly about stating her own opinions on things; she'd much rather let others say what theirs are and just agree, to keep things sweet.
This means that, if we hang around together for a whole afternoon chatting (usually in the pub, because Vicky and her partner don't really like doing much else. We've tried talking them into visiting attractions and stuff, but that's an uphill struggle), I find I'll eventually push things too far and say something wrong. This Saturday we got onto the subject of our next door neighbours' bedroom noises, which are pretty loud, and tend to be a bit... well, strange. I made a comment regarding this that made everyone a bit uncomfortable, assuming at, as we'd all had a few drinks, we'd all be okay with it. But it backfired.
I don't get this problem with friends we can just hunker down with and have in-depth conversations about farming, or swine flu, or whether you can have capitalism without democracy, or whatever. It's just with people (mostly Vicky, at this point) that I feel I have to carry in some way. But it happens, I find, generally with people who don't want to get into 'deep' conversations or have problems expressing differing opinions.
It's not practical to try and avoid Vicky; that would just set up tensions within the family, and there are already one or two. But carrying Vicky through a meet-up like this, plus trying to genuinely enjoy the gathering myself, plus the seductive quality of alcohol for opening up and chatting, it's forming a trend in which I offend the others.
Any suggestions?
