Depression worsening...

[ScaredToBreathe]

So depression runs in my family and I've always had it since I was little. I was feeling better for a while but now my depression is coming back even worse and it feels like I'm just sinking deeper and deeper into an empty state where nothing feels good and I'm never truly happy.

It's not that there's anything causing me to be depressed... I have severe SA but have been working on it and it's getting a lot better. Other than that everything in my life is great...I have a place of my own, I have friends and family I can see or talk to if I need anything, I have a very caring boyfriend who's always there for me, I'll be starting college at the end of the summer in a program I know I'll enjoy, I have a secure job that I love doing, etc. But I just don't feel happy at all. It feels like the life is being pulled out of me every day and I'm always so tired all the time, it's hard to focus on things, and every day just feels so useless. The things I used to love doing don't even make me happy anymore.

I am still young but when I think back to when I was just a little kid it makes me feel even more depressed. Where did all that time go? Going to grade school, meeting my first friends, playing in the park, having an amusing imagination, seeing the world so differently...everything seemed so bright and vivid and full of life and energy back then and now the world has turned so dull, it just does feel the same anymore.

I've been on some different anti-depressants and so far none of them have worked for me. I'm on another now and waiting to see if it helps with anything. I've tried changing my state of mind trying to think happier things or go out and do things I enjoy but I still feel so depressed. We all die in the end anyways and I really don't think I want to live the rest of my life this way, everyday just feels the same and it makes me sad to think about it. I'd like to die but I know I don't have the courage to commit suicide myself or anything like that, so don't worry I'm not trying to hurt myself. It just feels like there's no escape. "Things will get better" but they never do...or there are better times but they don't last.

Sorry for the rambling I just don't know what to do anymore and I need some support.

 

[MikeyC]

You have a loving boyfriend, a job you love, a good college tuition coming up, family and friends around you, a place of your own. And you're still depressed.

I would say it's definitely hereditary. There's possibly some sort of imbalance in your mind that's causing this.

Definitely keep trying on anti-depressants and hopefully one will work. Otherwise therapy and CBT might be the way to go. You appear to have a stable life so it won't be difficult to pinpoint the issue. Good luck.