Depression and Mind Blankness

[nickbutler88]

For years I have suffered from very bad depression, since I was a young kid at school. I was severely bullied by people at school, even those who I spent time with because I thought they were friends, though I only hung out with them because I was lonely. I struggled to fit in socially and had very little emotional support from both parents which made me very insecure and wanted to take my own life because I had had enough and felt like I was just completely useless and unwanted.

Since then I grew up feeling enormously insecure and depressed at college, university (which I dropped out of because I hated the course) and all the jobs I've had since then. I am 23 and have now reached a point in my life where I feel like I have no direction, friends or purpose. What bothers me the most is my social phobia. I am terrified of meeting people, particularly those I already know (e.g. the people I live with - because I am under pressure to maintain a good impression) mainly because of my cognitive difficulties. I feel intensely sad and helpless all the time and every day feels like a repeat of the previous one. I avoid people a lot because I am embarrassed by my inability to think of something to say initially and to keep a good conversation going. For example, at home, I lock myself in my room a lot because I am too terrified of having to greet someone and talk to them as it will be awkward. Conversation starters are the worst for me because my mind is literally blank as a piece of paper and my memory is terrible. I find it really hard organising thoughts and information in my head that I completely forget what I did 5 minutes ago! I always fail to follow a train of thought through to a natural conclusion - my mind usually derails off the topic and onto something completely unrelated when I cannot let the conversation flow organically and logically. This is really tearing me apart. How can somebody enjoy life if they repel everybody around them? I have a lot of trust issues because I feel that nobody really understands me, even if they say they do (my girlfriend for example, who I fear will eventually get sick of me).

It's always been this way for me and I am starting to get ideas that maybe I am cursed or that there is something seriously wrong with my brain that I should get checked out. It's affecting every aspect of my life (e.g. work, relationships, friendships, family, etc) and I don't know how much longer I can keep on living like this. Whenever I am at a party or at the pub or even just chatting to somebody, I really struggle with words to a degree where I just don't see the point in talking because I will either chat rubbish or appear boring or weird so I don't even bother making the effort any more because I know I fail miserably, I have talked to a counsellor about this but I think she underestimates the severity of it, which makes me feel even worse and like I'm going completely mad! I also went to an "overcoming depression" workshop but I couldn't relate to any of it - so I've put myself out there and taken the help that's offered to me as I want to get better and hope that there is some light at the end of this tunnel, but I haven't gotten anything useful out of it. So now I'm feeling like I am the only one of my kind and that my future is totally bleak. It's not just a passing "blue" mood, I have felt depressed for years and feel like it's just going to get worse and worse.

Does anyone have any words of advice or feel the same way? I would really appreciate it. Please help me.

 

[fitftw]

I do feel the same way. I see my neighbors outside every other day or so and they say "hey how's it going" and I'm like "oh, you know, same ****, just another day..." and that's usually the end of our little chat. Many of us are terrified of having to interact socially. That's why we're on here. I absolutely hate speaking in class when nobody else is speaking. I hate having eyes on me, having people judge me. There's not much you can do honestly.

If hibernating away from people isn't causing you problems financially, I wouldn't worry about it yet.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

I literally feel as if you were describing my situation - bullied at school, even by those who I thought were my friends, feelings of insecurity and unworthyness, mind blanks, inability of accessing memories, organizing thoughts and drawing conclusions.

I like to describe myself as very one dimensional. Especially when talking to people, I can for example describe something that happend to me or that I saw, but my mind doesn't go behind it, I don't see any kinds of implications or can't draw conclusions or form an opinion of something. Not to speak of seeing a funny side to something.

My theory is that because of my insecurities I never wanted to draw any attention to myself. But every of the things above would imply that. For example if you form an opinion, it is very likely that somebody has a different one and critizises or opposes you. To protect us from that, our mind keeps us dull.

Don't know who to ****ing come over that.
Regards Seeker