UnOccupied
Well-known member
Feeling depressed right now, needing to vent. I have been so busy with school lately. usually i tell myself i am not allowed to feel depressed and sad, but i know this is irrational. I have a stupid belief that im not allowed to feel this way unless i am a starving child in Africa in one of those commercials. I know its so stupid, but whenever i am feeling bad, i ignore my feelings, because i think i shouldn't feel this way because i have no visible hardships in my life. Like, i have food, shelter, and family. Why should i feel this way??
Anyway, i am feeling sad, for a number of reasons, and i want to just let them out please. First, i am coasting by in school, not doing good, or bad, and i am a senior, and won't have the college life for much longer. Which i WAS looking forward to, but now that i have been doing CBT, and feeling better, in general, i am sad that it is going to end so soon. isnt it funny how these things happen. I have hated college for so many years, and now when it is finally coming to an end, i am sad i didn't live the "normal" college life. I know it is stupid, but now that i have some of these good college things, i am dwelling on the fact i havn't had them in the past. Like, i have finally started talking to a few nice girls, and i can actually say i have fun on a regular basis. These are nice feelings, and i want to feel them more, but at the same time, my mind wants to keep me trapped in my past, and keep me dwelling in the mucky past.
Also, i still have some situations i do TERRIBLE in socially. I cannot help but get scared as heck every time i have to walk to class past all those people i may or may know. Also, when i try to just talk to people, i have so much trouble sometimes still with just saying what i want. Like, i say something, and just immediately tell myself i shoudln't be saying that, because they won't understand me, or will think i am weird, or i am being weird, or awkward, or that i am not conversing normal, so they will automatically assume i am being mean. Also, i am still having trouble with the cafeteria......i know these few situations are not AS bad as they used to be, and i am getting better and better at coping with them. But nonetheless, a part of me still tells me, i will never be normal, and i will ALWAYS be nervous in these situations...BUT, I WILL OVERCOME THESE SITUATIONS, I KNOW DEEP DOWN I CAN BE SUPER COMFORTABLE AND IN CONTROL IN THE SITUATIONS, AND THAT I PROBABLY DO A WAY BETTER JOB THAN I GIVE MYSELF CREDIT FOR, AND I WILL GET TO A POINT WHERE I CAN NOT HAVE ANY FEAR ABOUT THESE CHALLENGES I FACE, AND I WILL BE ABLE TO COUNT ON MYSELF EVERY TIME I ENTER THESE SITUATIONS TO TALK TO ANYONE THERE AND JUST BE MYSELF AND LET GO AT ALL TIMES.
...sorry for the caps, but i am a little upset, that was my attempt at getting some anger out. But, i also do truly feel this way. Is this bad, in your opinion? Like do i set too high expectations for myself? Like, is this belief i have maybe too much for me too handle, and is it maybe just setting me up for worse failure and depression when i don't achieve? I don't know?? I always just figured it was good to believe this, and i do feel deep down this is the truth, but after writing it out angerly in caps like that, i realize it maybe is causing me to have too high of expectations for myself?
Ok, and also, i am depressed because i CANNOT stop dwelling on these things. Like, i know i should be focusing on how my therapy has been helping, and how in 10 short weeks, i have become a totally new person. But, it is just hard when you are CONSTANTLY reminded how you still have social anxiety. I guess this has to do with accepting myself as i am RIGHT NOW. Does anyone else have any suggestions or quotes about this? I like to tell myself helpful things when i am down, but i cannot think of one myself to tell to myself when i am thinking that.
Another good thing is that i can't remember the last time i had a suicidal thought! Like, i know in general when the last one was, because it was a bad time(probably two and a half months ago), but i am far away from that now.
I KNOW i am getting better, i just am having a little setback. The therapy i am doing really helps me to realize this, and i actually wrote down in my book the other day that "I LOVE LIFE." I havn't felt like that in a longgggg time, or ever. Haha, ok this is getting too long, and i don't want to sound any cheesier. Thanks for reading, any thoughts or feelings about my entry are greatly appreciated. Even just to let me know you made it this far would be nice, and i would appreciate that.
Also, i feel SOOOO much better just from writing about this. Thank you SPWorld.
Anyway, i am feeling sad, for a number of reasons, and i want to just let them out please. First, i am coasting by in school, not doing good, or bad, and i am a senior, and won't have the college life for much longer. Which i WAS looking forward to, but now that i have been doing CBT, and feeling better, in general, i am sad that it is going to end so soon. isnt it funny how these things happen. I have hated college for so many years, and now when it is finally coming to an end, i am sad i didn't live the "normal" college life. I know it is stupid, but now that i have some of these good college things, i am dwelling on the fact i havn't had them in the past. Like, i have finally started talking to a few nice girls, and i can actually say i have fun on a regular basis. These are nice feelings, and i want to feel them more, but at the same time, my mind wants to keep me trapped in my past, and keep me dwelling in the mucky past.
Also, i still have some situations i do TERRIBLE in socially. I cannot help but get scared as heck every time i have to walk to class past all those people i may or may know. Also, when i try to just talk to people, i have so much trouble sometimes still with just saying what i want. Like, i say something, and just immediately tell myself i shoudln't be saying that, because they won't understand me, or will think i am weird, or i am being weird, or awkward, or that i am not conversing normal, so they will automatically assume i am being mean. Also, i am still having trouble with the cafeteria......i know these few situations are not AS bad as they used to be, and i am getting better and better at coping with them. But nonetheless, a part of me still tells me, i will never be normal, and i will ALWAYS be nervous in these situations...BUT, I WILL OVERCOME THESE SITUATIONS, I KNOW DEEP DOWN I CAN BE SUPER COMFORTABLE AND IN CONTROL IN THE SITUATIONS, AND THAT I PROBABLY DO A WAY BETTER JOB THAN I GIVE MYSELF CREDIT FOR, AND I WILL GET TO A POINT WHERE I CAN NOT HAVE ANY FEAR ABOUT THESE CHALLENGES I FACE, AND I WILL BE ABLE TO COUNT ON MYSELF EVERY TIME I ENTER THESE SITUATIONS TO TALK TO ANYONE THERE AND JUST BE MYSELF AND LET GO AT ALL TIMES.
...sorry for the caps, but i am a little upset, that was my attempt at getting some anger out. But, i also do truly feel this way. Is this bad, in your opinion? Like do i set too high expectations for myself? Like, is this belief i have maybe too much for me too handle, and is it maybe just setting me up for worse failure and depression when i don't achieve? I don't know?? I always just figured it was good to believe this, and i do feel deep down this is the truth, but after writing it out angerly in caps like that, i realize it maybe is causing me to have too high of expectations for myself?
Ok, and also, i am depressed because i CANNOT stop dwelling on these things. Like, i know i should be focusing on how my therapy has been helping, and how in 10 short weeks, i have become a totally new person. But, it is just hard when you are CONSTANTLY reminded how you still have social anxiety. I guess this has to do with accepting myself as i am RIGHT NOW. Does anyone else have any suggestions or quotes about this? I like to tell myself helpful things when i am down, but i cannot think of one myself to tell to myself when i am thinking that.
Another good thing is that i can't remember the last time i had a suicidal thought! Like, i know in general when the last one was, because it was a bad time(probably two and a half months ago), but i am far away from that now.
I KNOW i am getting better, i just am having a little setback. The therapy i am doing really helps me to realize this, and i actually wrote down in my book the other day that "I LOVE LIFE." I havn't felt like that in a longgggg time, or ever. Haha, ok this is getting too long, and i don't want to sound any cheesier. Thanks for reading, any thoughts or feelings about my entry are greatly appreciated. Even just to let me know you made it this far would be nice, and i would appreciate that.
Also, i feel SOOOO much better just from writing about this. Thank you SPWorld.
