Hey,
I'm really sorry to hear about your mom. That must really hurt. But's it's not anything that should break you. This is YOUR life, try not to let her break your heart and ruin your life. You have a chance to be happy, take it and run with it. I struggle with my mother not really knowing how to love me, and it hurts from time to time and it killed me for a long time, but she doesn't know any better, she wasn't raised with love either. They have problems and they're doing the best they can, the only way they know how. And in your situation the best thing to do is maybe try to get her help, but if she just refuses, then you have to learn how to release it the best way you can. There's nothing you can do for her. She's wrapped up in her addiction and you can't MAKE someone change.
Hey, so there you are, here we are..we're on this planet, so what are we going to do with our time? Doubt ourselves? Or learn to heal our wounds, to love ourselves and do what WE LOVE TO DO, DO WHAT MAKES AND BRINGS US HAPPINESS.
You have to come to the realization that you are suffering from low self-esteem and you think negatively, constantly doubting your every moment of existence.
Plus, it sounds as if you have some serious hurts that you need to work through...and make peace with in your heart, which is a mental and spiritual journey.
We all have chance to be happy, we really do. We make choices every moment and some of us have gotten into the habit of making choices where we get the shit end of the stick or simply making choices that make us feel badly about ourselves and our lives and situations.
You have to change your mind. Your thought patterns are what is causing your self-doubt.
I say, you need to make peace with your past/your mother, and then slowly start working on raising your self-esteem, you need to learn how to respect and love yourself, for WHO YOU ARE. YOu need to learn how to appreciate WHO YOU ARE.
Only then, will you free yourself from the chains that you've put around yourself.
Life can do that sometimes, it can taint your vision. but you have to learn to choose to think more positively about it for your own sanity and happiness.
I've seen some pretty sad and fearful situations, maybe that's what caused me to think so negatively about life and things, but I realize that I have a choice: think negatively about it and let it drag me down to hell with my nails scraping on the ground trying to just barely hold on to life, OR, choose to not let the things that have happened to me decide my fate. I decide it, and when you realize that YOU are the master of your life, the master of YOUR SHOW, you gain power and control.
Now? You probably feel out of control, powerless, like you're a victim to the situations that happen in your life, when you realize that you MAKE choices about the situations that happen in your life, you gain that control back.
Therapy is good. A good caring therapist will hold your hand through this all and they will help keep you on the right track.
Good luck. "I feel your pain". I know what it feels like to slowly see your own mother drift away, even though they're still alive.
But, it's taken some time, and I feel in control in the situation. I'm okay without her. I've got me to lean on now.
Hug::
Jess