Dark angel
Well-known member
I do not understand how people do it, seriously, how they interact with each other, how they manage to achieve success, to not be afraid, to talk, to be simply part of a society. It is a mystery to me.
I say this because almost a week ago, my brother had a birthday and he organized the real deal, I mean, he went over the top. He and other 5 of his friends, who also share birthdays on December decided to rent a space on a lounge club and they invited over 50 people. Because my mom also has a birthday on the same month, he told us to please come along and spend a little time with him.
I was delighted to go at first 'cause it was an opportunity for me to do something different, something that I havent done in a long while. My mom invited a friend of her to come along and when we arrived there was like 25 people already at the place. Some of his friends I know rather well, while others I got to meet them there but even when I wasnt visually nervous, and I didn't felt like I was, I noticed that my face was sweating profusely everytime I had to talk with someone while the other person didn't had a single drop of sweat on the face and the place was in front of the beach so the climate was quite breezy, I notice it was only me. It is like my own body rejects this kind of situations.
In one of the moments while I was there, a friend of my brother say hello to me and tried to had a conversation with me trying to know how everything was going in my life and I couldn't feel more weird than I did because I'm not a great conversationalist, I tend to be more of an obsever and be more quiet, so I could see him trying to struggle on what to ask me or what to say.
Once the awkward silence came along I made my act of escape and said to him that I was going back to sit down on one of the bench close the beach.
I couldn't feel more alone in a ridiculously crowded space, even my mom had a better time than I did because she had someone to spend her time with, but all I did was sit on the bench beside her looking at the night and at the waves on the beach trying to escape from there somehow. Then my brother's best friend( almost like his brother) arrived and he immediately salute me and chat with me for a while but then again I felt soooo out of place (and I've known him all my life). Eventually, my mom's friend wanted to leave so, mom asked me if I wanted to stay a little bit more or if I wanted to leave with them and I said that I would do whatever they wanted to do. So we left. When I got home I started crying...
... yes, sounds stupid but I started crying because I've always wanted to have more friends, yet when I have the opportunity of meeting new people I can't do it, I just can't. Or if I meet someone new, after a while of knowing them, I start pushing them away, it is like a constant struggle between two sides of me; one side is my desire to have friends, socialize and the other side of me just want to be the f**k alone but the latter side is stronger than the first one.
Then to feel more like sh** I saw the pictures of the birthday the other day on facebook and after my mom and I left more people arrived to the place; without joking I think there was more than 60 people over there. I adore my brother, and admire the capacity he has to interact with others, and how everybody else perceives and trusts him. Yet I dont understand how, or why am I like this, because I certainly did not inherit my traits from mom because he is more like my brother, social, friendly and outgoing and then...
... there's me.
Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that maybe I am not going to change, that I'm basically predisposed to be like this always. :idontknow:
PS: Sorry for the long post and for any mistakes I made while writing this, enlgish is not my first language.
I say this because almost a week ago, my brother had a birthday and he organized the real deal, I mean, he went over the top. He and other 5 of his friends, who also share birthdays on December decided to rent a space on a lounge club and they invited over 50 people. Because my mom also has a birthday on the same month, he told us to please come along and spend a little time with him.
I was delighted to go at first 'cause it was an opportunity for me to do something different, something that I havent done in a long while. My mom invited a friend of her to come along and when we arrived there was like 25 people already at the place. Some of his friends I know rather well, while others I got to meet them there but even when I wasnt visually nervous, and I didn't felt like I was, I noticed that my face was sweating profusely everytime I had to talk with someone while the other person didn't had a single drop of sweat on the face and the place was in front of the beach so the climate was quite breezy, I notice it was only me. It is like my own body rejects this kind of situations.
In one of the moments while I was there, a friend of my brother say hello to me and tried to had a conversation with me trying to know how everything was going in my life and I couldn't feel more weird than I did because I'm not a great conversationalist, I tend to be more of an obsever and be more quiet, so I could see him trying to struggle on what to ask me or what to say.
Once the awkward silence came along I made my act of escape and said to him that I was going back to sit down on one of the bench close the beach.
I couldn't feel more alone in a ridiculously crowded space, even my mom had a better time than I did because she had someone to spend her time with, but all I did was sit on the bench beside her looking at the night and at the waves on the beach trying to escape from there somehow. Then my brother's best friend( almost like his brother) arrived and he immediately salute me and chat with me for a while but then again I felt soooo out of place (and I've known him all my life). Eventually, my mom's friend wanted to leave so, mom asked me if I wanted to stay a little bit more or if I wanted to leave with them and I said that I would do whatever they wanted to do. So we left. When I got home I started crying...
... yes, sounds stupid but I started crying because I've always wanted to have more friends, yet when I have the opportunity of meeting new people I can't do it, I just can't. Or if I meet someone new, after a while of knowing them, I start pushing them away, it is like a constant struggle between two sides of me; one side is my desire to have friends, socialize and the other side of me just want to be the f**k alone but the latter side is stronger than the first one.
Then to feel more like sh** I saw the pictures of the birthday the other day on facebook and after my mom and I left more people arrived to the place; without joking I think there was more than 60 people over there. I adore my brother, and admire the capacity he has to interact with others, and how everybody else perceives and trusts him. Yet I dont understand how, or why am I like this, because I certainly did not inherit my traits from mom because he is more like my brother, social, friendly and outgoing and then...
... there's me.
Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that maybe I am not going to change, that I'm basically predisposed to be like this always. :idontknow:
PS: Sorry for the long post and for any mistakes I made while writing this, enlgish is not my first language.
