Decision/university

[thor01]

I had to go in today, to enroll. However I dont feel to goo about it TBH, ATM hah.

No, nothing "bad" happened, and it was just sitting in a room listening to people, then "enrolling". But for a start the sitting in room part is uncomfortable for me.

But most of all the general feeling I got was not such a good one. I always generally feel in these things so far, im with the wrong group of people in some way overall. However on my previous BTEC course somewhere else, on the last year, it felt slightly better, and in a way more comfortable at times. I miss this, in a way. Even just the place.

I know I shoul give it a chance to actually start, but right now I feel ive used all energy, and feel little motivation t go tomorrow. DP feels quite high. Along with some depression after going.

Again there are many less girls than boys, and of course all the others boys are more confident. I dont even wanna be like that anyway though.

 

[Road to recovery]

Edited Message

 

[thor01]

I see.

But I am not, and have no desire to fight the anxiety I feel with these things. It is just me. I'm not looking to change me, and become like everyone else. Alot of the time when its there its just because the situation doesn't match me. And thats fine. If people don't like me with SP and being shy, no problem, its their problem.

I refuse to compromise and become part of a herd. In anything in life.

because i sometimes feel wht I think could be "depersonalization" I appreciate when I feel like myself, including "faults" like shyness. I will remain shy as it is how I am and I prefer it to loud.

Today was a bit more tolerable. Ive kind of partly got over the shock of not fitting in, once again. But I feel maybe I can just go through, and not care about weather I have friends or not an seehow far I can manage. Maybe I'm better off alone most times anyway. Sometimes it might get to me, but I should be able to get through it.
With a nothing to lose attitude.

If, however, the actual work when it comes in becomes too much I will quit or if it just starts to feel worse. As I am only trying it, with nothing to lose

I repeat I have no desire for the qualification itself. I don't go by societies materialistic standards and stuff.

I'm atm only taking advantage of a system of institutions because it seems a slightly better option to atleast try before having to finda job right away. Its an effort to prolong that just a bit.

I am no seeing it as some big thing, or something to "change" me for the better. Thats not what I want. I only want a replacement for what Ive done for the previous 3 years. And if/when it becomes far too much more than that, it might be time to quit.

Anyway Im off for 3 days so i can rest and hopfully get it out of my head until tuesday.

 

[thor01]

I don't feel its a bad idea for me, if I go by what feels right/comfortable. We cant all be good at everything in this area. Im not going to try and cover up my shyness/whatever anxiety I have.

If it were all "real" people as I think of it, people would accept individual differences, rather than expect a certain thing. One thing about the past 3 years at college, was even though it wasn't perfect, (most) people seemed pretty unjudging in this way. And (by the last year mainly) I atleast felt accepted how I was in my group. So I dislike the idea of now because its a "uni" technically, that people might not be genuine and will expect a certain thing.

I did tick the box on a personal info sheet to say I have a "mental condition such as depression etc....." on it.

So to me that means I can try how I am, since they obviously let people with such "conditions" on. If how I am made it impossible to do it somehohow at some point then I'd just have to accept Id gone as far as I could

If I had an oppertunity to "socialialise" and it felt right at the time, I would try. But if around a group of people I don't feel right with and have no desire to with them, I only would if they were talking to me.

Yes! True! BUT........the detail that people don't seem to remember is......you only have to pay that debt back, when you CAN, ie. have a job, with a certain wage. And that wage is pretty high if I remember rightly. Now I have no desire for a high paid job. I would rather have a small job and concentrate on music outside of that. Rather than a "carreer" in something else.

To me therefore that debt would only be numbers on a computer whch won't even matter.

I can honestly say I will be HAPPY to never have a job that reaches that requirment. And I mean it! Unless I can actually make that much money just by doing music, which is very rare! And difficult. Especially now. My desires do not include a nice big house, a car, and a family. For me it would be having enough to survive, and the time/gear to be able to work on music projects.

Alot of the jobs people want with this type of qualification, in this area would seem a nightmare to me, like teaching music, or anything else like that, or even in a different area, like managing something. I'd hate that and its not for me.

I can put my all into it, but naturally I would probably do this more with the playing side of it. If other work becomes so much that I cant handle it, or it started involving presentations etc, then it might not be a good idea to keep on. And I don't want something that will take over my life. Its the last thing I need ATM. Really I'm trying it as a replacement for college Ive had for the past 3 years. I know its not the right way to go about it. But I cant help it. Thats just the way Im going about it.

I would have found it hard to turn down the chance to try, and am finding it hard to try, in a way. So either way I'd find it hard to deal with to an extent. So it seems in this situation I'm doing the best thing out of what I can, for now, in a way to me, don't know what you think about that?