I'm new to this forum so you'll have to forgive my naivete in constructing a new thread from a very specific personal problem.
I was diagnosed with OCD in July of 2010. I received therapy and medication, but my health insurance ran out in May of 2011 and I lost access to both. No weening off of the medication, no goodbye session with tips on how to deal with my OCD solo, just a clean break. I was unemployed or working temp jobs from May until December, so I've been unable to obtain health insurance. I'm working in an office right now and I'm set to enroll in the benefits program, but I've already been there for a month and I'm not eligible for health insurance for another three.
I honestly don't think I can wait that long. I get maybe three hours of sleep a night now. I hate my job so much I sit at my desk and do absolutely nothing all day long and spend my nights plotting my suicide. Every morning I get up, I walk into the kitchen, grab the butcher knife and I set the point over my carotid artery. The only reason I don't plunge it into my neck is because I'm afraid of the debt I'll accrue if I don't successfully kill myself.
In the process of looking up firearms dealers I started wondering whether or not this was a rational thing to do--so here are the circumstances: I'm in massive debt from student loans, I can't find a job that pays well enough so I won't go into default, I'm basically alone in fighting my OCD (I have a boyfriend and we discuss it, but these days it's just a constant source of frustration for us both and is driving us apart), I can't eat because of obsessive thoughts around food and I'm literally tearing my hair out. I'm no longer productive; I can't read philosophy anymore because I can't focus long enough. Everything that I identified with has been systematically stripped from my by this disorder and the prospect of waiting another three months before I go through the process of finding a doctor and beginning medication all over again seems too daunting a task, especially after having gone this long without and suffering every single day as a result.
I've been on suicide hotlines. I think the operators are condescending and they never help me after I explain that I don't have health insurance. I've tried to apply for state health insurance but was denied and I don't make enough money to afford to pay a private insurer. I've visited clinics with sliding scales but because of my income bracket and complete absence of insurance they refuse to see me. Even the state clinics designed for the unemployed and the underemployed won't see me. I'm 22. I look healthy. I have a stellar academic record. I'm totally normal but for the OCD and I believe wholeheartedly that it will kill me any day now.
Pathos is an unintended consequence here. My ultimate intention is to find someone, anyone, who is in or has been in similar circumstances who might be able to help me. If anyone has advice, I would greatly appreciate it.
I was diagnosed with OCD in July of 2010. I received therapy and medication, but my health insurance ran out in May of 2011 and I lost access to both. No weening off of the medication, no goodbye session with tips on how to deal with my OCD solo, just a clean break. I was unemployed or working temp jobs from May until December, so I've been unable to obtain health insurance. I'm working in an office right now and I'm set to enroll in the benefits program, but I've already been there for a month and I'm not eligible for health insurance for another three.
I honestly don't think I can wait that long. I get maybe three hours of sleep a night now. I hate my job so much I sit at my desk and do absolutely nothing all day long and spend my nights plotting my suicide. Every morning I get up, I walk into the kitchen, grab the butcher knife and I set the point over my carotid artery. The only reason I don't plunge it into my neck is because I'm afraid of the debt I'll accrue if I don't successfully kill myself.
In the process of looking up firearms dealers I started wondering whether or not this was a rational thing to do--so here are the circumstances: I'm in massive debt from student loans, I can't find a job that pays well enough so I won't go into default, I'm basically alone in fighting my OCD (I have a boyfriend and we discuss it, but these days it's just a constant source of frustration for us both and is driving us apart), I can't eat because of obsessive thoughts around food and I'm literally tearing my hair out. I'm no longer productive; I can't read philosophy anymore because I can't focus long enough. Everything that I identified with has been systematically stripped from my by this disorder and the prospect of waiting another three months before I go through the process of finding a doctor and beginning medication all over again seems too daunting a task, especially after having gone this long without and suffering every single day as a result.
I've been on suicide hotlines. I think the operators are condescending and they never help me after I explain that I don't have health insurance. I've tried to apply for state health insurance but was denied and I don't make enough money to afford to pay a private insurer. I've visited clinics with sliding scales but because of my income bracket and complete absence of insurance they refuse to see me. Even the state clinics designed for the unemployed and the underemployed won't see me. I'm 22. I look healthy. I have a stellar academic record. I'm totally normal but for the OCD and I believe wholeheartedly that it will kill me any day now.
Pathos is an unintended consequence here. My ultimate intention is to find someone, anyone, who is in or has been in similar circumstances who might be able to help me. If anyone has advice, I would greatly appreciate it.
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:. Your mind is going haywire right now due to lack to sleep, as I'm sure that you're aware, so (I hope) your mind isn't saying what it really means. Concerning your boyfriend, how is he a form of stress? What is it about what he does that adds onto your problems? One day, sit him down and just peacefully talk about it. Just bring it up to him and ask him if he could stop because it's really stressing you out. Job-wise, even if you hate your job, still try your best in it. A half-assed attitude won't make anything better; you might just end up losing your job, in fact. There's no guarantee that there'll be another job waiting for you once you get out, so hold on to that one and look for other jobs in the area. Once you've found one that works for you, and you get accepted, then you can quit. Now, about eating, can't you force yourself to eat? I don't have OCD so I can't really help you, but, if you haven't eaten in a while, can't you just pick up something to eat in the house, even if it's nothing but a sandwich or an apple, because you need something in your system to get you through the days. I'm sorry if I wasn't of any help.
