Dear Diary...

EnhanceYourself

New member
Hi everyone, I'm new here, 24 female from the UK. Have been reading a lot of posts & could do with a good vent myself if that's okay. I decided to write it 'dear diary' style.

There is a few things 'depressing' me in life at the moment.

After a long time of feeling unwell I got diagnosed with a brain tumour. Shock of my life. Made a lot of sense though. & thank god I pushes the doctors when they told me I was normal. To look at me you'd never know. It's internally I feel it - my moods, headaches...I'm going to be OK after I have surgery but it has made me feel what I've done to deserve this bad luck in my life recently from this and other things... How can I blame karma when there are sick children in this world and they never did a thing. I dont believe in karma anyway. I think if anything I am going through this to make me not take life for granted and appreciate it more.

Friendships. Friend A we will call her has been my best friend since high school but since she has married the wrong man who wants to keep our friendship apart she's started flirting with me. This is extremely confusing having your female friend do this seeing she has never ever done anything of the sort before...and when I asked her about it she denied but it felt obvious. Is she in love with me or is it something i am only seeing myself. Whatever happened it has felt like I am dealing with a guy rather than a girl let alone a friend and a guy who wants to play games...very high school and immature. Friend B - i feel good for getting back in touch, but, i forgot how depressed Friend B can make me feel. I feel her depression. I miss having 'positive non game playing' friends and at 24 I am sick of my friends settling down with marriage, babies and mortgages. I know that not everyone has the same dream but I just wish there were more girls around who shared me thoughts - enjoy your independence whilst you're young, get out there, there is plenty of time for responsibilities.

First love - Mr Wrong - was a great experience, i dont really regret it...but when i think about the betrayal of his deceiving me, though he was 'there for me' i get really angry/negative and bitter about all men. He makes me think all guys watch porn and will cheat on you with any female given the chance. I think this & Friend A & me not knowing who i am anymore, has me questioning parts of my sexuality. Parts of me feel defensive I am scared of meeting someone who might stop me in focusing on me again. & I am terrified of trusting someone romantically as my first love was lying to me for 2 years unbeknownst to me...how can someone pull the wool for so long and without my gut instinct to check up on them, I'd never know....that hurts.

Travelling. For me i see this as the biggest success a person could do. This is what drives me. I feel like ive wasted the last 2 years. Wish i could rewind to a time I worked abroad. I felt happiest then knowing i had a future ahead of me. I was ambitious and extremely confident. God i want that back so badly.

I guess i'm tired of waiting for things to happen for me. & I'm tired of listening to my mind say this when I don't do much to make it better. I'm not a procrastinator...if there is a name for it...I'm the person who gives a little but expects it to come to her, destiny/fate/dreamy/naive...maybe.

Death of others. Losing my grandad was a cold shock. We miss him so badly. Then gran, my neighbour, everyone seems to be dying and it is so depressing. Family is not the same, it is hard to laugh anymore...to really laugh and smile. Life got cold. It places emphasis on how important it is to have fun and do what u want to in life which is a good thing, but it also has panicked me into staying idle waiting for the day i die. I worry who is next.

Personality. I have the most perfect family/parents but for some reason I am afraid to do anything at the cost of my family's judgement. I tend to enjoy being private. I have a few secrets no one knows - i'm still unsure if i feel better this way or not. Id like to meet a guy i can talk about to my friends but i seem to be attracted to guy in complicated situations. I game play myself with Friend A now but i feel i need to, to stay ahead of myself and feel good. I insist on being good all the time - no sleeping around, no one night stands, if i kiss a guy i feel guilty, no smoking, drugs, such like...no making fun of someone, no bitching unless necessary, but with all this being good i am not happy...how can this be.

I sometimes don't understand how good people get crapped on.

I consider myself a pretty good therapist to others. I tend to take on other peoples problems, i live it for them, i breathe it and it emotionally wears me down sometimes. Friend A and her marriage, Friend Bs depression, lack of self esteem. I think if it happens to them its happening to me, but i need to realise i am separate, i need to remove myself from their issues and focus on my own.

Job - Offices, computers for a job, is not me. I really dont understand why i get picked on by older women each time. Its definitely had an impact on my self esteem. If someone criticises me now it feels like a gun-shot. I never cared what people thought before, sincerely didnt but now i do, worryingly i do. I at this point have a very negative view of not just men but women too - people - and I hate thinking like this but my experience so far is men are liars and women are jealous, catty b*tches. Now I know not ALL are like this but I'll never understand how someone can hurt another person for no reason and when they didn't deserve it.

I fancy the idea of travelling/perhaps outdoors training later in the year. That makes me feel a bit more focused. My dreams are only prevented by me, nobody else.

Positives - all bad things happen for reasons. There can be no rainbow without rain. I am a beautiful person, i love how i am internally and externally, i just need a bit of work right now on each. It's never over, if i were my friend i'd be telling me all these things right now. I wish i could meet 'me' as a friend. I am intelligent and i know i wont ever settle for 2nd best. This is something to be proud of...
 
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recluse

Well-known member
Hi welcome:) I have to admit i am lazy when it comes to reading but i read all your post.

God! You have been having a difficult time! All the crap you are going through puts me to shame for whingeing about how crap my life is. You sound a really level headed girl:)
 

Nicholas

Well-known member
Welcome! :)
As recluse said... you seem to be a very strong girl!!! And confident... and a nice girl as well. :)
It's almost like you were sensitive and strong at the same time, that must be an interesting personality.
Here you will find lots of depressed pussies though, we are like that on average, so please put up with us!!! ::p:
 
Welcome! :)
As recluse said... you seem to be a very strong girl!!! And confident... and a nice girl as well. :)
It's almost like you were sensitive and strong at the same time, that must be an interesting personality.
Here you will find lots of depressed pussies though, we are like that on average, so please put up with us!!! ::p:

Lmao @ depressed pussies. That is a astute observation.
 
You are so brave and strong to take this so well. Im so happy that you are going to be okay. I know a few people who have had brain tumours years and years earlier when they were small children. They were totally fine. My mother has had cancer for years and its very frightening but she is okay now and apparently will remain that way. So I really empathize with your situation. Best of luck, and if you want to talk, just give me a pm.
 
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