Dealing with an unsupportive spouse HELP!!!

[whycantibenormal]

I talked to a friend of mine today who has bi-polar disorder and has had to leave jobs bc of it and had panic attacks and the whole nine yards. She made me see a lot of things about my marriage that may have been making my anxiety worse. My husband is gung ho about building a house. Which for him is awesome. It is not for me bc
1. It's land his grandparents gave him. His uncle is jealous we got the land and has been makng it hard for us to get things done with the land so there has been nothing but family trouble over it
2. It's next to his parents and his mother has a BIG influence on him.
3. I don't want to live where the land is.

But my husband insists its what HE wants and this is HIS dream and I should be a better wife and make it happen for him. So basically my friend and I came to the conclusion that I'm my husband's workhorse saddled with the responsibility of making HIS dream come true, bc that's what good wives do. And basically I must do it any expense (health etc.) bc that's teh way things are and we should have more at our ages (35 & 26) bc people younger than us have more than we do now.

I just realized all this today. I mean I guess I knew in the back of my head but never had a friend reflect my words back to me. My husband looks at me as a bad wife that can't do anything right bc I'm not making his dream come true. And basically I need to sacrifice for him. Even tho I moved 3 hours away to a place I don't like after we got married and have taken jobs I hate to make money so he would get off my back. I am happy in the apartment we live at now and don't mind staying here a few more years. But my husband says that he CAN'T be in an apartment when he's 40. We must get this house built and move ASAP at any costs.

This has just added to all my anxiety. I don't think I'd have the problems and stress I do if my husband wasn't putting this pressure on me. I'm losing myself. I find myself stifling a lot of my wants, desires and doing things I love bc it doesn't fit in with his plan for us.

I don't know what to do. Do I leave him? Do I put my foot down? Do I become as big a bitch as he is a dictator and stand up to him? Help!!!

 

[whycantibenormal]

Sorry we're 35 & 36 not 26. LOL

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

hi

Dont know if i am in any kind of posotion to be comenting since you seem to of done a lot already. I mean maried +house .You done way more than most of us on here.

Any way seems to me like your relationship is way past being one sided. It seems like you husband has fallen into the trap of keeping up with the jones. I mean theres no rule that you must be married at such and such age and that you must do this and that by such and such time.

Whose script is your husband following? Is this what he wants or is it what someone else think he should want? Why cant you sell the land to that nasty family? You will get him off your back plus make some money at the same time. Actualy why not sell the land to him then use the money? Think about it. YOu got the land free. Your other family members want it realy bad. so why not kill 2 birds with one stone?

 

[whycantibenormal]

Tampa Bay
I wish it was that easy. We can't sell it to anyone outside the family bc he grandparents made it a condition that we can't sell it if we accepted it. Plus my husband would never sell it.

We have a lot we can be grateful for but my husband can't see that. All he sees is the next thing. It is always "I'll be happy when I have a new truck, or have a new house, etc." BUt he never is! That's the kicker! My husband is miserable. He hates his job. He is stressed out and that makes him physically sick with allergies and stomach problems. He doesn't know how to be happy.

We're stuck with this damn land.

 

[A-UK-Lovely]

hey, can i ask before i write anything wether u have the sorta money to build this house and keep ur current house?

 

[dottie]

why don't you accept the land then sell it to someone in your family for a really low price? have you already told your husband you are tired of being the one to compromise for HIS wants? :[

 

[VioletTears]

Wow, your life once again reminds me of mine.

When I went to my therapist last weekend she was suggesting that I stop working or cut my hours in half, and I feel like I need that, but my DH has always made clear that he wouldn't go for such a thing... We would have to downsize and he wants to move up... I always thought I was being selfish and unreasonable to even want that but hearing it from my therapist made me realize that, yes, part of me DOES feel like he's choosing material assets over my well being.

I really have no advice because I'm sort of in the same situation... I think that the answers to these questions are often inside us though, we just have to look deep to find them... and we have to find the strength to follow through, which is often the hardest thing.