dating a guy with OCD

[reallyconfused]

Hi , I'm new to the forum and am desperate for some help. I know this isn't a relationship forum but would really like advice from OCD sufferers about someone I have very strong feeling for. I've known this guy for around a year, we are both late 30's and we have dated around a dozen times. He asked me out to discuss work and to be honest for the first couple of times I couldn't make out if he was interested or not, although we didn't discuss work! On our first date he told me had had OCD. He handwashes and has to have everything in order, hates dirt, stains etc. To be honest I didn't really take much notice.
On the outside he seems really confident and has a great job but it was me who made the first move after 3 or 4 dates so I was really confused. After we had got pretty intimate on one date he really backed off for a while. When we eventually talked he told me he was painfully shy, he told me that he really likes me but needs to take things at his own pace and that things were moving too fast. He has been single since his divorce 10 years ago and not dated since. I have left things to him but although he says he wants to see me, it is usually 4 or 5 weeks between dates and then we just have dinner. He also told me he wants to take things further but is not ready yet. I have told that I will wait. I usually text him a couple of times a week and he always texts back but I always make the first move or ask to see him first and sometimes I feel like a stalker. I left it for a couple of weeks and he text to say he would like to see me, but that was 3 weeks ago.I am really confused but after doing a little bit of research on OCD and shyness I now understand a bit better but I don't know how to move on with this. I know I am ignorant but I didn't understand it was an illnes until I read this forum.
I have really strong feelings for him and want to tread carefully . I don't know what to do or what not to do or say to him. I'm not sure if I should keep reassuring him that I am interested or if he will think I am pushing him. My friends tell me to leave this one alone and give up but I don't want to. He has promised to let me know if he doesn't want to see me again but I am finding it hard to understand why he leaves it so long between dates. I would be so grateful for any advise, please.

 

[foxdude]

If you truly love this guy then you shouldn't give up on him! The reason he acts strange is not you, it's because he has issues with himselve that only he can solve...OCD and SA are very complex situations that even sufferers often don't completely understand. Without being too needy or clingy, keep showing interest in him, and make clear to him that, no matter how long it takes him to overcome his issues, you will be there for him...
When you're around him, just try to be your natural self...I would hate it if someone would thread me different because they knew I had SA...
I know this might sound a little cheesy, but if you truly love eachother, then you just need to have patience, in the end it will be rewarded...

Remember to be yourself and be there for him, no matter what he does...
He might not show, but I'm sure he appreciates it...
hope I was helpful

 

[reallyconfused]

Thankyou for your reply, that means a lot. I have been going out of my mind, thinking it was me. Reading the posts on this forum has really opened my eyes to OCD. He tells me he finds it impossible to talk about his feelings and emotions, but I do love him, so thankyou.::

 

[LockieKermit]

Yep, I would recommend reading up on OCD a little bit. Help him with it especially on the bad days.

Good luck in your relationship and merry christmas

 

[reallyconfused]

Thanks, I've been checking out web sites. Can anyone recommend any reading material at all. It's not just the OCD but the shyness, awkwardness and withdrawel that goes with it that I am trying to understand. I have been feeling really low thinking that it's me but now I realise what he has been going through. Merry Christmas to everyone.

 

[LockieKermit]

Merry Christmas, good luck and good luck with your relationship. =) hes lucky to have you

 

[mrb]

he will break down in the end and trust you lol ........ im kind of the same with girls took my gf ages b4 i was ok around her .... but she said i can see the man inside gary im not going anywere ......did love her for that ::

 

[elek2ronik]

Yeah I agree, just continue to be yourself around him. The worst thing you could do is treat him differently because you know he has some OCD issues. I've been him many times, and when the girl found out i was actually really shy and had social anxiety issues, they changed and made things even more awkward to the point of us becoming completely disconnected. Good luck to both of you however the relationship pans out!

isaac

 

[Noca]

Welcome to SPW! Most guys find it hard to talk about their feelings and emotions.

I would agree that you should read up and educate yourself about OCD.

A forum called OCD Forums - Powered by vBulletin would be your best bet.

 

[TERESA01]

It would be ok for awhile but if you dont want to get hurt I suggest you not date him.. My ex just broke up with me out of nowhere about a month ago..I knew going into the relationship that he was bi polar, had really bad depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and kind of a drinking problem.
















Dating Advice

 

[reallyconfused]

Thank you so much for your replies and best wishes, they really help. We were supposed to go out this week but he is suddenly 'busy'. Although I then get lots of texts saying how much he wants to see me. I think the problem is that I didn't really understand when he first told me about his ocd, I wish I had taken more notice but I was really ignorant of the condition, i sort of dismissed it. I really need to understand how he is feeling now but he seems to freeze when I ask him questions. I am really confused but will listen to what you guys are saying and be patient and hope things improve. Thanks again.

 

[PhillyFlyersGrl]

Watch the movie "As Good As It Gets" its about a guy with OCD.
They have to do things a certain way until they finally feel comfortable. Its possible too he doesnt want to burden anyone with his problems and maybe he kinda feels more comfortable being single and doing his daily things..but yet wants a relationship.
If he didnt have OCD I would say hes not interested in you, but because he does have this illness...its a totally different story. Just keep the pace that you have with him now, but if it really starts bothering you and you can't take it this slow anymore then break it off..it would be the best thing for both of you.

 

[Mokkat]

Wow, lucky guy

 

[reallyconfused]

Hey, thanks guys. He told me this week that he really likes me a lot but wants to get to know each other as friends and that if things move too fast he will back off, so at least he's talking now, but I'm still not sure if he wants to take things further eventually and I don't want to push him. I still haven't had a date for a couple of months but I have been doing a lot of reading on ocd and I have watched a couple of films too.
I really respect you guys, I just want to understand and give him time to trust me as a friend. If we get to go out again I will give him to opportunity to talk about it and this time I will really listen. I'm so grateful for your replies. Thankyou.

 

[LockieKermit]

your welcome.

I respect you.
Not many people are willing to do what your doing. He's a lucky guy.

 

[reallyconfused]

Just a final update, things seemed to be going so well, we had dinner for the first time in months, we talked, things were looking good and then I said something that apparantly put his integrity into question. Now he's clammed up completely and has told me that he may or may not want to see me again, he will let me know when he has made a decision, but that it will not be for a while. I know it's the OCD but this is so hard. Then again, I know it's so much harder for him.......Back to square one!

 

[overcome.]

To him, this OCD is probably even crippling in certain aspects, and he cannot control it. I'm sure he'd be devastated if he thought he'd blown things with you just because of something that he cannot control. I'm sure if you have feelings for him, you can work through this and show him good support. I know it's easier said than done, but keep being patient. Good things come to those who wait (corny, but often true).

 

[Brokenx]

I think you need to set him straight on how you feel about him, just so it's out there.. I also think you should tell him you have read up on OCD and are begining to understand.. explain too him that you want to support him in his illness.
Try to get as much info on OCD as possible, study it for a while that way it will be clear why when he acts oddly, i think if you explain too him you want to support him, he will open up a little more.. best of luck and keep us updated!

 

[overcome.]

When I told a girl that I suffered with real bad anxiety, she told me that she'd want to take things at my pace for a while, because she wanted to support me. Of course, this made me feel great and more comfortable around her, and I wanted to open up to her more. It's all about comfort, especially when dealing with a problem as bothering as this.

 

[reallyconfused]

Thanks, I have read lots of books so I do understand a lot more now than I did. We are going to stay just friends so there is no emotional pressure from me. Hopefully he will learn to trust me a bit more. Thanks for being there for me to chat to, he is so private, I wouldn't want to talk to any of my friends about this.