Conversational issues
- Thread starter KJC
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PinkFrog
Active member
When I "talk" to people, I try and do it quickly so no one notices me getting nervous. I tend to get all flushed in the face, and my facial expressions just look quite unnatural.
I think what you're experiencing has to do with your phobia. It's how you perceive yourself as "boring". If you think you are, you'll think others will think so too.
I think what you're experiencing has to do with your phobia. It's how you perceive yourself as "boring". If you think you are, you'll think others will think so too.
manicexpressyv
Member
In a way, the answer is yes to all your questions.
First, I can't tell if it's social phobia or some other psychological condition, nor can anyone else on these forums. You need a doctor for that. However, it is socially-related the way you describe it, and you obviously came to these forums for a reason, so I think there's a good chance that you can find someone else with a similar issue that you can relate to.
There was a point when I realized that people NEVER approached me. I ALWAYS was the one that had to initiate any kind of interaction. This made me so angry. How come I had to do all the work? What's wrong with me that people didn't want to approach me?
Allowing this frustration to live within me didn't help. If anything it made me bitter towards those around me. The turning point came when I stopped thinking about why things were the way they were, and started thinking about what I was going to do about it. So people don't approach me. So what. Am I going to let that stop me from being happy and pursuing my goals and desires? Am I going to let that be the thing that prevents me from interacting with others? I came to a place mentally where I deeply accepted the fact that others are not going to initiate conversation with me, and I moved beyond it to a belief that the only thing stopping me from engaging people is my own fear. At least that is something I have control over. That's something I can work on.
Now that I've told you to forget about why... I'm going to tell you a little bit why
. It's probably because you're sending out signals that convey nervousness and insecurity. These can be expressed in tone of voice, eye movements, and various aspects body language. Just as you are sending these signals without thinking, most people are picking up on them without consciously thinking. Part of the solution is to learn about body language and raise your awareness of the signals you are sending out. The other part is to conquer that fear of being judged, which has far-reaching effects on the way you carry yourself and interact with others.Do you really think you're boring? If the answer is yes, you've got some self-esteem issues! You are a unique, worthwhile being! You just aren't in tune with that currently. If the answer is no, then other people are clearly just missing out! A lot of people just aren't willing to put in the effort to discover what is unique about someone if it isn't obvious at first glance. Unfortunately that uniqueness is usually not that superficial and it will take some digging to figure it out. Don't worry though, there are lots of things you can do to help. In fact, you may get so good at them that your uniqueness will be brightly visible and attract many more people than you could expect.
For example, growing up I was taught that modesty was an essential quality of a young man. However, being overly modest led me to hold things back and prevented others from seeing who I really was. I was proud of a lot, but I didn't want others to think I was arrogant, so I kept it inside. Bragging is a sign of deep insecurity as you are trying to prove yourself to others. But if you already know your self-worth, you can express your strengths out of a desire to connect with people. If others react negatively, they are probably dissatisfied with something about themselves. To tie this back in to the concern of boringness, you probably know you're not boring, and if others get that impression (mistakenly) it is only because you are not yet expressing yourself with oppenness and confidence.
Other symptoms of social phobia can also get in the way of expressing your true self to people. I'm not surprised at all that people didn't want to be around me when I was insecure and socially awkward. I wouldn't have wanted to hang out with me either. But working on my fears and working on improving myself has given me the ability to interact with others comfortably and express myself confidently. It is rare that someone doesn't like me after they get to know me
. Now, every once and a while, someone approaches me first. It's a tiny thing, but it has a big impact on me. It's a sign that I'm heading in the right direction.
SickJoke
Well-known member
That's definitely a huge cause of social anxiety. After getting so many reactions like that, you start to perceive yourself that way, and you internalize the belief "I'm less worthwhile than everyone else." And any time you enter a social situation, that belief lurks in your subconscious - instead of enjoying the interaction, you'll be searching for evidence to reinforce your belief that "I'm less worthwhile than everyone else."
You mentioned that you also perceive yourself as boring, so that's another belief: "I am boring." And during interactions, you'll look for evidence to reinforce that belief as well.
What happens is you'll actually start to behave like you're boring and not worthwhile, simply because you have those beliefs in your head.
So you've identified 2 limiting beliefs, that's a good start. Now you can start going to work on yourself to remove those beliefs. You can form 2 opposing beliefs: "I am worthwhile" and "I am interesting."
How can you form those new beliefs? Well, what would it take for you to see yourself and worthwhile and interesting? Set some reasonable goals, and start working toward them. As you work toward the goals, remind yourself that every day you are becoming more worthwhile and interesting.
As soon as your brain accepts: "OK, I've been improving myself. I think I'm ready to consider myself worthwhile and interesting," then BAM you'll have a paradigm shift, you'll see yourself differently, and you'll see the world differently. Our minds are incredible.
manicexpressyv
Member
I believe you when you say you can't see anything wrong with your body language. This is often the hardest part! Raising your awareness of the messages you send out to people is a long process, and involves bringing to light many aspects of our personality that we might not be happy about.
First, you must realize that some of your statements simply make so sense. How can people "instinctively" not like you? What are these instincts? How can they single out you if it's not based on some difference from others in your behavior? And what do you mean "fundamentally wrong"? Like it's something hereditary? People overcome those disadvantages all the time! If anything it just means you're starting a little behind. However, you will be farther ahead in awareness than most people when you do what it takes to catch up!
The fact is, there's probably nothing people here can say to convince you otherwise if you choose to believe that there's something fundamentally wrong with you. Because it is a choice. You're not going to recieve hard evidence one way or another. You may get hints and clues, but ultimately you're going to have to decide for yourself how you view yourself. Are you going to choose to take control and believe you can overcome your challenges? Or are you going to choose to believe there's no hope and there are things about yourself you just can't change? It's up to you.
First, you must realize that some of your statements simply make so sense. How can people "instinctively" not like you? What are these instincts? How can they single out you if it's not based on some difference from others in your behavior? And what do you mean "fundamentally wrong"? Like it's something hereditary? People overcome those disadvantages all the time! If anything it just means you're starting a little behind. However, you will be farther ahead in awareness than most people when you do what it takes to catch up!
The fact is, there's probably nothing people here can say to convince you otherwise if you choose to believe that there's something fundamentally wrong with you. Because it is a choice. You're not going to recieve hard evidence one way or another. You may get hints and clues, but ultimately you're going to have to decide for yourself how you view yourself. Are you going to choose to take control and believe you can overcome your challenges? Or are you going to choose to believe there's no hope and there are things about yourself you just can't change? It's up to you.
manicexpressyv
Member
I'm glad to hear you're determined. Sticking points like this where you can't figure out what's wrong are definitely tough.
Since you say you can't think of anything specific to improve, let's do a little brainstorming. What are some specific behaviors that can be used to positive effect in social situations?
Do you make strong eye contact?
Do you smile a lot?
Do you sit up straight?
Do you keep your arms open and not folded?
Do you use smooth, confident movements?
Do you gesture with your hands while you speak?
Do you nod occasionally to encourage who is speaking?
Do you relate to what the other person is saying?
Do you reward the other person when they share something interesting about themselves?
I would be surprised if you could answer yes to all these questions. These are things that I try to think about and work on when I'm interacting with people. Maybe this will give you an idea of something you can work on yourself.
Since you say you can't think of anything specific to improve, let's do a little brainstorming. What are some specific behaviors that can be used to positive effect in social situations?
Do you make strong eye contact?
Do you smile a lot?
Do you sit up straight?
Do you keep your arms open and not folded?
Do you use smooth, confident movements?
Do you gesture with your hands while you speak?
Do you nod occasionally to encourage who is speaking?
Do you relate to what the other person is saying?
Do you reward the other person when they share something interesting about themselves?
I would be surprised if you could answer yes to all these questions. These are things that I try to think about and work on when I'm interacting with people. Maybe this will give you an idea of something you can work on yourself.