Compensation

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Fearforbrains

New member
Hello peaple,

I am 20 years old, feel like an old man, i look tall and thin but not too thin lol. Dont think im ugly but also dont agree that im good looking.. i have 4 brothers, only i and one of my brothers still live with my parents, that brother suffers from a form of autism, hes ALWAYS irritated by the slitest sounds etc.

For about 9 years and still, im suffering from SA/SP, i have no confidence i have no motivation i feel lonely and unsatisfied with my life because i have to be social sometimes, most of the time i feel like this. I think im stubborn because i just cant change.

i spend 85% of my life looking at a computer screen waching shows/movies/anime's to satisfy myself. Thanks to my curiosity i am now also struggling with addiction (cannabis).

To make it as short as possible; Im a coward and have no fire in me, if i dont get something to get more grip on my so called 'life' i have almost no reason to live. For years i have wanted to play russian roulette with a fcking revolver, maybe then i would get over myself if only for a short period.

Lately i also feel miserable when i think of a location or person that i know. For me everything is just a wasteland, i cant build anything in my life that would make me feel ok.

Sorry for all the negativity, but this is the only way to dump a small portion of my miserable feelings, ofcourse this is not enough because you are all strangers to me and i to you, peaple dont give a shit not because they dont want to, they just cant. Also sorry for typing so much shit here that is probably all really just nonsence for anyone who reads this.
 
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F

Feathers

Well-known member
Hi FB,

Welcome to the forums!

Hope you manage to find a way to quit cannabis and what looks possibly like computer addiction (?). Too much computer time (more than 4 or 5 hours a day) can cause depression and hence lack of motivation etc.
Please don't think russian roulette could solve anything!

It's probably not easy to live with an autistic brother. I've had sound sensitivity too and it was difficult for my family at first too...

If you take some time, you'll find some nice and caring people here. Do you have a therapist or some sort of help? It's not easy to change, some people on the site managed to. You're still young and have your whole life in front of you!

PS Can't figure out the title of the post either - care to elaborate?
 
F

Fearforbrains

New member
Nah the title is dumb, i meant that there isnt enough joy to compensate for all the shit feelings.

I am definitely spending way too much time on my computer, its what keeps me calm.
I have a psychologist, i had CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) with her but it wasnt enough, way too short.

I also have a psychologist for my adiction but it isnt really helping that much, most of the time i have clean periods (about 4 or 5 weeks) and then i start to use it again, most of the time 2 weeks long all day long, with a vaporizer btw so it doesnt really cost much money, it makes movies/series a little more interesting but it comes with alot of negative feelings when i stop again.. mostly anxiety when i try to sleep, too much thoughts about weard things i dont want to think of, plus weard uncomfortable dreams or nightmares.

But anyway i feel like im not really trying my best, i just dont feel the fire in me, or motivation, whatever you want to call it :l
 
Steiner

Steiner

Well-known member
Where do you live that you can easily get weed. I've been wanting to get some but I am too SA to get any. I am 20 as well and have never smoked before. Would think the SA would help prevent you from getting more weed. I feel old because I get chest pain from the stress and my hair is getting lighter/going gray.

I tried the CBT and that didn't do anything. Though I have been feeling better since I started exercising more and going outside more. Though I don't know if you have the option of that since I live in a much more desolate area.
 
Diend

Diend

Well-known member
I felt better when I got more sleep and reduced some stressors like school rigor.
 
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