Communication Skills

[Rainman]

I was wondering, if anybody has taken a course in communcation skills or can share resources on improving communcation skills or tips/advise.

I think lack of of interpersonal communcation skills is one of the main contributing factors to SA. I have often found, that I communicate much more coherently and lucidly in writing(particularly on the net) than I do in person. Even then, it depends on the person.

It is quite evident that SA present many obstacles when talking to person, which are considerably less than on the net, some of those are:

* You have to actually speak and effective speaking is based on tone of voice, volume, pitch, something that is affected by anxiety.

* You are constantly getting feedback from your partner/s, through verbal and non verbal language, even while you are still speaking. I know, that I am acutely aware of every facial expression when talkin, and that tends to affect how I talk.

* You cannot really revise what you are saying, at least not like how you would on the net. On the net, you have more time to collect your thoughts and revise as you type, often articulating what you want to say more clearly. While in person, you have much lesser time to collect your thoughts and much lesser scope for revision.

It is probably normal for there to be such differences, because of the different medium of communcation, but in saying that, I think for those who can communicate well in general, can adopt any medium.

Sometimes, I am left in awe of how some people can talk. It sounds like something in the movies, or in books and I realise that we can actually communicate just as well in person, if only we learn and practice these skills.

Being able to communicate effectively in most situations, in various mediums, would lessen SA's hold on us considerably.

 

[Falcon]

Good post. One thing I would add is that body language plays an extremely important part in communication. I would even go so far as to say that with people you've known for less than a few hours, body language is far more important than the words you say, in creating an impression.

As I try to kick my SA, body language is one of the things I've been focusing on. Here are some pointers.

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* Stand tall. Your chin should be level, not down, and your shoulders should be thrown back (for women too).

* Smile. A small smile or grin does wonders for the appearance you project. Practice it in the mirror, and make sure you're smiling with your whole face and not just your mouth.

* Take up space. This is more for guys than girls, I'm not sure what girls should do. But guys: stand with your legs apart. Don't lean into the conversation or lean in with your elbows on the table. Lean back, sprawl out, take some space for yourself. Don't look like you're cringing away from someone else.

* Slow motions. Don't walk too fast or flit your eyes around like you're on the lam. No nervous gestures.

* Eye contact. Make it. If you just can't make eye contact at all, you can try two exercises I did. First, go to the mall with sunglasses on and look in the eyes of everyone you see. Second, without sunglasses, look into the eyes of young children. They'll be eager to stare back (kids love faces) and you'll get some experience being looked at.

* Be open. This one is for guys again. Don't cross anything: your legs, your arms, your fingers, whatever. It connotes fear. For girls, it's okay to cross your legs, but crossing your arms still shows discomfort.
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I think body language is extremely important. Here's some concrete results that my body language focus helped me to get. On St. Patrick's day, I went to a bar with my friends (yes, I have friends now!) I'm completely average looking compared to both my friends and the general populace...yet all night, women were coming up and chatting with me and trying to dance! Why was this? Because of a simple fact - I had great body language. I didn't have to say anything to the women. No pickup lines, no anything. I just stood there talking to my friends, projecting great body language, and the women approached ME.

Body language is extremely powerful. A big problem with the internet is that, though you can KIND of practice conversation online (via IM and VOIP stuff, even though it's not like real life talking), you get absolutely no practice with body language.

[note...the women at the bar I was at were about 10 yrs older than me (i.e. in their late 30's), I don't expect to get approached like that at a college bar . But still, out of all of my friends, they kept coming to me]

 

[Hauntedhead]

smileing sucks

 

[Rainman]

I think body language is extremely important. Here's some concrete results that my body language focus helped me to get. On St. Patrick's day, I went to a bar with my friends (yes, I have friends now!) I'm completely average looking compared to both my friends and the general populace...yet all night, women were coming up and chatting with me and trying to dance! Why was this? Because of a simple fact - I had great body language. I didn't have to say anything to the women. No pickup lines, no anything. I just stood there talking to my friends, projecting great body language, and the women approached ME.

That certainly does sound powerful. Yeah, body language is very important, but it is also the most difficult to maintain. It can easily give you away when there are mismatches im what you say and how you say it

Sometimes, when you have some anxiety creeping on you, it's really difficult maintaining confident body language.

I think I get too hung up about having to say something, so I can heed your advice about saying more with body language.

Anybody else got any more tips, resources and personal strories?

 

[Septor]

Thats very good advice.Your right about body language being very important,especially when it come to people meeting for the first time.It can sometimes be more important then words.

My problem is a lot of my body language I do is unconscious.I don't know i'm doing it.Something I have to work on and then you add on anxiety which makes it hard to have confident body language.

No wonder people don't warm up to me.

 

[Richey]

* You cannot really revise what you are saying, at least not like how you would on the net. On the net, you have more time to collect your thoughts and revise as you type, often articulating what you want to say more clearly. While in person, you have much lesser time to collect your thoughts and much lesser scope for revision.
.

And that is such an important point, you have literally a split second to respond where as on the net you have time to write out exactly what you want to say, so online relationships while being honest dont reprasent how you come across socially at all, so its important to practice tone of voice and read alot. Its so hard for me to express myself how in real life as opposed to on a forum, and it takes practice and courage to step up and take a few falls, like going into battle, but im the kind of person that welcomes any kind of person, my biggest problem is i despise the way i come across so its a self-esteem issue with me, if i feel im not coming across as interesting or chatty then i beat myself up internally by feeling tense and overly nervous, so i guess you just have to keep testing yourself, im just really sad that ive never been able to relax or feel atease at University or at home, i just feel like i try but it never comes off