Causes of Social Isolation (SI)

[theslowesthand]

I'm just trying to "pin-it-down" (mini) and "see the overall picture" (maxi) as to why i have SI (from the programmer's perspective (dependencies/etc) )...



VERY EARLY IN MY LIFE

• Over-sensitive, Trait Anxiety (nervy/timid), [HSP], [Aspergers]

QUITE EARLY ON

Interests
• Not interested in doing the things that "normal" people do (socializing, going out, partying, movies,..)
. . • Don't enjoy doing such activities
• Not interested in people
. . • Don't enjoy socializing/people

Fears
• Don't like doing the things that "normal" people do
. . • Dislike doing such activities
. . . . • Fear of doing such activities
. . . . . . • Fear of the activities
. . . . . . . . • Fear of discomfort (activity-related)
. . . . . . . . . . • Fear of feeling of boredom
. . . . . . . . . . • Fear of feeling of homesickness
. . . . . . . . . . • Fear of feeling other uncomfortable activity-triggered feelings
. . . . . . • Fear of people
. . . . . . . . • Fear of verbal attack/abuse (cruelty/ridicule/put-down/laughter/criticism/manipulation/etc & resulting negative feelings of
. . . . . . . . . . shame/humilation/outrage/anger/hatred/low-self-worth/powerlessnesss/helplessness/etc)
. . . . . . . . . . • Fear of discomfort (people-related)
. . . . . . . . . . . . • Fear of feeling ignored
. . . . . . . . . . . . • Fear of feeling attacked
. . . . . . . . . . . . • Fear of feeling ridiculed
. . . . . . . . . . . . • Fear of feeling other uncomfortable people-triggered feelings

Other
• Low self-confidence (with socializing; i think 'why bother, i'm crap at it, and i gain no pleasure/use from it')
• Social Anxiety (SA)

THEN

• Habits
• AvPD

AND THEN

• Personality

THE FINAL PRODUCT !

• Lifestyle (habitual)
. . • I have developed, over my life, a lifestyle that has almost zero real-life dealings with people

 

[PunkRotten]

Theres only one thing to do. Start going out and try finding some relationships with people. Start thinking about your values and interests, and find like-minded people. If you choose to do nothing you can look forward to a life you are living now for the rest of your life. It gets harder when you get older too.

I was decently social when I was younger. After high school I started going out less and became more and more reclusive. But thinking about my future it looks scary. I know that if I don't do something now, and during the next few years, its more than possible I will have a reclusive and isolated, lonely life for the rest of my life. Try discovering who you are then that will guide you. This will guide you on the type of relationships you make. (Note I did not say relationships as in actually dating, but any relationships with any person.)

 

[theslowesthand]

Theres only one thing to do. Start going out and try finding some relationships with people

Agreed. The trouble is that i don't see WHY i need people-contact, nor do i have any DESIRE for people-contact. I just see people (in real life) as WAY more trouble than they're worth.

Start thinking about your values and interests

I've recently been "wading into" all that life/success stuff, and am in the process of identifying my "values"

If you choose to do nothing you can look forward to a life you are living now for the rest of your life

Basically this where i am at in my life right now:
- I have accepted loneliness as my one-and-only eternal constant "companion" (& that i am all alone in this universe)
- I realise that i have a fairly major problem with "identity" (unsure of how to resolve, or if it can be resolved)
- I am starting to comprehend my own mortality (& am actually, rightly or wrongly, looking foward to death!)

Also, I am gradually easing more into various new (for me) ways of thinking about life (esp Eastern). But me being me (essentially logical- & system-bound), i refuse to do most things that may benefit me, as i don't fully understand them (& they don't fit into my system; everything must be done exactly "by-the-book").

I will continue the route i'm taking, as that's the only way i know, and IF perchance by discovering more of who i am, etc, leads me towards having people in my life, then so be it - but if not, then not.

Edit: But the route has taken me to a place i have never quite been before (at somewhat of a crises/crossroads right now), and that place can affect what/where the route will be/go (so, even a seemingly hopeless/futile route CAN lead to unexpected & needed twists-and-turns in the route)

 

[Kiwong]

Very good summary Smallest loser.

I do enjoy acitivities that normal people do. It is the putting myself out there to do those activities which is extremely hard. I enjoy the activities, and the positive interactions. However, there are very real negative reactions to my anxiety, that make me want me to avoid those reactions, and the only way to do that is is stop the activity.

 

[fuzzylogic]

If your happy then what matters ?

 

[Ignace]

Nice post indeed thesmallestloser. Why that nickname btw ? It doesn't make u a loser.

 

[skins]

Agreed. The trouble is that i don't see WHY i need people-contact, nor do i have any DESIRE for people-contact. I just see people (in real life) as WAY more trouble than they're worth.


I've recently been "wading into" all that life/success stuff, and am in the process of identifying my "values"


Basically this where i am at in my life right now:
- I have accepted loneliness as my one-and-only eternal constant "companion" (& that i am all alone in this universe)
- I realise that i have a fairly major problem with "identity" (unsure of how to resolve, or if it can be resolved)
- I am starting to comprehend my own mortality (& am actually, rightly or wrongly, looking foward to death!)

Also, I am gradually easing more into various new (for me) ways of thinking about life (esp Eastern). But me being me (essentially logical- & system-bound), i refuse to do most things that may benefit me, as i don't fully understand them (& they don't fit into my system; everything must be done exactly "by-the-book").

I will continue the route i'm taking, as that's the only way i know, and IF perchance by discovering more of who i am, etc, leads me towards having people in my life, then so be it - but if not, then not.

Edit: But the route has taken me to a place i have never quite been before (at somewhat of a crises/crossroads right now), and that place can affect what/where the route will be/go (so, even a seemingly hopeless/futile route CAN lead to unexpected & needed twists-and-turns in the route)

interesting...if you are learning new ways of thinking about your existance esp that of eastern beliefs, then you will soon learn that you are not alone in the universe but ARE in fact the universe itself, experiancing itself in a unique way. when you truely realise this then you are not alone. i recommend you read teachings of taoism.

be comforatble with the fact that socialising is not somthing you enjoy or desire to persue. be comfortable with the fact that this is the way you are and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being this way...there is no shame in being someone who is born witout great desire to be a very social person. i have fought this my whole life before finally comming to my senses and realising fighting it was causing more problems as i was always going against the flow of the universe and the path it it carved for me. after accepting the way i was and embracing it i found i became more attractive to people and that people actually wanted to socialise with me without me even trying or wanting it..be comfortable in your own skin..and people will soon be drawn to you. but do not place emphasis on it or you will again push it away. ackowledge it and observe, that is all.
do you find being the way you are you are much more able to contemplate things such as the meaning of life and existance then others? thats is why you are made the way you are...people who have eveything in life rarely think on this level and it becomes hard for them to think of anything deeper beyound superficial things in this earthly exisitance. its especially becomes hard for them to think of their own mortality and when faced with it, such as a sudden cancer, it becomes very confronting and hard to deal with. be greatful for the fact that the way you are has given you the gift to be comforatble with your own death.

 

[theslowesthand]

If your happy then what matters ?

Exactly. Being socially-isolated hardly bothers me at all these days. Ever so occasionally, when i'm say feeling resentful/jealous/etc, i might find it quite a handy thing to blame, but otherwise i'm fine with it.

The main reason why i created this thread was due to things like boredom, creativity, self-expression, simplying things in my mind, love of order, etc ::

 

[theslowesthand]

Nice post indeed thesmallestloser. Why that nickname btw ? It doesn't make u a loser.

As with any nickname, whether by friends or enemies (or "frenemies"), there is almost always an element of truth in the label .. and an element of falsity (which could explain the fascination people have with nicknames & name-calling, as there's a lot of scope for personal interpretation). Really i don't see it as any different from many other spw screen names - PunkRotten, SickJoke, etc, etc. As these names are informal, anybody can decide whether or not to use them at all, or exactly as given. You could say, address me with "small" if you don't feel right using "thesmallestloser"

Edit: I do feel overall like a "loser", and "small", so this nickname has some personal relevance/meaning for me.

 

[theslowesthand]

interesting...if you are learning new ways of thinking about your existance esp that of eastern beliefs, then you will soon learn that you are not alone in the universe but ARE in fact the universe itself, experiancing itself in a unique way. when you truely realise this then you are not alone

Maybe it should be

I am gradually easing more into various new (for me) ways of thinking about life (eg Eastern)

or

I am gradually easing more into various new (for me) ways of thinking about life (eg alternative philosophies)

i recommend you read teachings of taoism

Thanks for that. I will look into it
For about the last 20 years i have been "getting into" all sorts of "alternative" therapies/philosophies (but never investigated Taoism). One issue i have always had though, and something that i need to overcome, is my inability to "stick" to anything - i am always starting new things, but seldom reach any level of expertise with anything. I must learn to "commit" myself to things, to "see them through". Not sure if that's due to procrastination, taking on too many things at once, impatience, or what.

be comforatble with the fact that socialising is not somthing you enjoy or desire to persue. be comfortable with the fact that this is the way you are and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being this way...there is no shame in being someone who is born witout great desire to be a very social person

I'm completely comforatble with that

i have fought this my whole life before finally comming to my senses and realising fighting it was causing more problems as i was always going against the flow of the universe and the path it it carved for me. after accepting the way i was and embracing it i found i became .....

Yes, i believe very much in "going with the flow".
Edit: But the question is: how much "going with the flow" to do (as sometimes going against the flow can get you out of comfort zone to do what is "best" for you (??)

...be comfortable in your own skin..and people will soon be drawn to you. but do not place emphasis on it or you will again push it away

I don't know if i'll ever be comfortable in my own skin. I don't think that's possible for me. But time will tell.

do you find being the way you are you are much more able to contemplate things such as the meaning of life and existance then others? thats is why you are made the way you are...people who have eveything in life rarely think on this level and it becomes hard for them to think of anything deeper beyound superficial things in this earthly exisitance. its especially becomes hard for them to think of their own mortality and when faced with it, such as a sudden cancer, it becomes very confronting and hard to deal with. be greatful for the fact that the way you are has given you the gift to be comforatble with your own death

That's quite possibly true, but since i fill my time with much academic-type stuff (ie i keep very busy mentally), i've never really spent that much time just "pondering life", so its maybe true to a lesser extent.
I can't say that i've reached the point of actually feeling comfortable with the death of me yet, but i have started to really (deadly!) seriously ponder it for the first time.
Edit: But in saying that, my logical side has analysed/philosophized almost everything under the sun!